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8 Terrifying Skeletons of Adorable Animals

#4.
Mars Attacks!


Looks Like:

Behold, we have unmistakable proof of extraterrestrial life! When the planet goes up in flames during the big invasion, we'll be sitting pretty in our underground shelter full of grenades and Twinkies, and you'll all be busy getting vaporized. Who's a "delusional man-child" now, Brenda?!

But Actually is...

Erm, no, actually. False alarm. It's just the skull of the minute and harmless-looking owl monkey, a species commonly found in Central and South America. Unlike the other entries on this list, whose skulls were seemingly designed for the sole purpose of causing anybody who saw them to evacuate his bowels while simultaneously calling his mother and finding religion, the owl monkey actually needs those gargantuan eye sockets to hold its equally gargantuan eyes, which help it see in the dark. To see ... you ... in the dark.

#3.
Sandworm Death Strike!

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Question: Which animal has a skull like a Star Destroyer with teeth? Give up? We did. We ran away screaming before the Jawas and sand people showed up.

These skulls have convinced us of two things: 1) The movie Dune was filmed on Earth without the aid of special effects, and 2) by some strange glitch in the time-space continuum, Charles Darwin was a huge H.R. Giger fan.

But Actually is...

Getty

Oh, of course. It's just a lovable, barrier-jumping, vandal-rehabilitating, crime-fighting killer whale. Admittedly, most of our whale knowledge comes from Free Willy, but we're pretty sure that's an accurate depiction of all marine life.

The absolute freakiest thing about this skull is the fact that it technically doesn't even exist. If you look again at the photo up top, you can see the total number of bones present in its head: three. That's it. We know the human skull is technically made up of only two bones (the mandible and the maxilla), but at least they make some kind of discernible shape vaguely reflective of the living creature. It was H.P. Lovecraft who once said that the scariest thing to witness was nothingness, and we're only just now realizing what he meant by that.

#2.
Attack of the Crossroads Chimera!

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Half of us thought this was a Chupacabra skull, and the other half believed it was a hellhound. We flipped a coin to settle the argument. The coin froze in midair for a full 10 seconds before it burst into flames and melted into a molten puddle in the shape of a pentagram. So we're just gonna agree to disagree and settle on Chupacabra hellhound for now.

But Actually is...

Getty

Seriously?! That's what a seal looks like if you remove all of the fur, blubber and love? Man, no wonder Mother Nature kept that shit hidden. It's difficult to decide what's most terrifying about that skull, but we'll go with the masses of teeth, which somehow seem to have sprouted their own tiny, razor-sharp teeth. We know these things eat fish, and you need some kind of teeth to deal with that, but goddammit, seals, we manage that shit just fine without the meta-fangs.

#1.
Here Be Dragons!

Via Wikimedia Commons

Looks Like:

Now don't take this the wrong way, but if you were a princess and we were the bravest knights in the land, we would let this thing kill you every single time. You could be beautiful, wealthy, magical, whatever. You would seriously die, a lot, and we would just let it happen, because there is no way in hell we're going near that thing.

But Actually is...

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We've had countless depictions of hippos as obese ...

... fun-loving ...

... lazy ...

... and otherwise comical characters since forever. It's hard to believe that at no point during these proceedings did a zoologist think to mention the fact that just beneath the surface, hippopotami are just really fat, flightless dragons.

Adam Wears leads a lonely existence over at the highly opinionated and up-til now skeleton-free Alert Level Stork! To see more of Mike Lamb's art, go to Degenerate Art Studios or check out his weekly humor column, Bad Acid.

Pick up our new book -- which is the only proven weapon that can defeat Mother Nature with one fell swoop. (Warning: That's not true at all.)

For more animals that we need to eliminate as soon as possible, check out 13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares and 6 Animals That Just Don't Give A F#@k.

And stop by Linkstorm to learn how you can better arm yourself of against nature's abominations.

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