Skeletons are kind of scary. Or at least, they used to be. They were a horror staple back in the day, but they've become anachronistic and kind of goofy now. They're right up there with wart-nosed witches and sheet ghosts on the scare-o-meter. But that's just because we've been looking at the wrong skeletons. As with everything, it's really the cute creatures that are harboring the true horror, just beneath the skin ...
This is like something that crawled out of the deepest depths of the Bermuda Triangle, most likely from the wreckage of an ancient alien spacecraft from a distant planet that has evolved beyond compassion and mercy.
But Actually is...
We love platypuses: They have the grace of a duck, the furriness of an otter and the lethal poison-injecting feet of, uh ... what was that from again, platypus? But all that affection is gone now that we know they're packing a pair of industrial-size shears inside their goddamn heads. The playtpus' inexplicable existence has always been arguably the best evidence for the absence of an intelligent and loving creator within the universe. But now that we know the platypus has been hiding gargantuan mandibles inside its face this whole time, a few things have changed. Now we're sure of two things:
1. God absolutely does exist.
2. He's easily the best horror writer working today.
7Night of the Thing That Should Not Be!
How should a man react when he finds a thing like this in the woods, reeking of death metal and Satan? Would you crack it open to free the imprisoned souls of the orphans that it no doubt contains? Or rub it three times to summon an apocalypse genie who will grant you an army of zombies? Or just run home, grab your Teddy bear and cuddle the shakes away?
But Actually is...
Oh God, look at that son of a bitch. He's the daintiest, most adorable little motherfucker in existence. He's so cute he's kind of making us mad. He's the animal equivalent of Tiny Tim. He might be small, but you just know he has big dreams.
That cute bastard, and the owner of that terrifying skull up there, is a muntjac deer. They're a small breed native to South Asia but have spread all throughout the world, as far as Japan and even England. And it's easy to see why: You'd take that overwhelmingly cute little fuckhead anywhere. You'd name him Carl, and he'd wear tiny turtlenecks. And then, when you finally got back to your native land, he would strip off his skin, play a bitchin' guitar riff and raise his army of hell-bangers from beneath the Earth. And you know what? You'd still kind of love him. He's just ... he's in your heart now, y'know?