Why Humanity Can't Get Past The 7 Deadly Sins

Ever since the Bible invented them, humanity has had just the damndest time kicking the seven vices known as deadly sins. Until now.

After months spent firming up our moral center and strengthening our resolve, we created a really boring training montage and, more importantly for our purposes here, the following game plan for fighting each of humanity's most common vices. Let's begin with one that we're all familiar with ...

#7. Lust

Excessive desires of a sexual nature.

You crave sex so much that you can't stop chasing women, wasting hours on Internet porn and dry-humping anything that's even slightly warm. All of your energy is devoted to getting as much ass as you can as often as you can get it.

The Cure!

Lose that energy! Your problem is that all of your attention and abilities are focused on sex, so you just need to purge yourself of all that deviant endurance. Remove all of your motivation and reduce yourself to an unmoving lump of apathy. Problem solved.

Oh, wait ... dammit! It looks like all of that lust-purging has rendered you guilty of ...

#6. Sloth

Laziness, indifference and the failure to utilize your gifts.

You sit around all day, wallowing in your own filth and sometimes you go for days without moving. You are just a pile of worthlessness.

The Cure!

What you need is a goal. Nothing motivates someone to get out of a slump like a goal. Find something that you want and go for it! Take your neighbor for instance. Look at his fancy car, and that fancy, smokin' hot wife of his. Sure, they're nice, but wouldn't they be nicer if they were yours? (Yes.) So pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get some of your own!

Well, I didn't mean literally take his wife, it was a metaphor for wanting a similar-

Hang on a second. Don't stare too hard at her, I know you want the wife but if you're not careful you'll be guilty of ...

#5. Envy

An insatiable desire, usually accompanied by a resentfulness of anyone who has the object you desire.

Well, here you are. You want her so bad that you've gone and committed another sin. You've got all of your own physical needs met, but you STILL want to take something that belongs to your neighbor, and that's no good.

The Cure!

Sure, your neighbor's wife is hot, but you've got plenty of good things going for you, why not build on that? Instead of focusing on your neighbor's stuff, just work on your own. Take your house and polish it up real nice, make it the nicest house on the block! Fix your car up, make it run like a dream, so you'll be the envy of the neighborhood! Go out and have a paradoxical amount of perfect children.

Pretty soon, your neighbor's wife and car will look like sacks of wet garbage next to all of your trophies! But, hey, there's no reason for you to go and actually buy trophies for yourself ... sort of looks like you might run into the sin of ...

#4. Greed

An excess of wealth, status and/or power.

You just had to have everything, didn't you? You had to go out and buy the biggest TV, the loudest toys, the fanciest clothes, didn't you? Had to make sure everyone in town knew that you had the biggest dick, huh? Well, way to go, Smart Guy, because you've committed another deadly sin.

The Cure!

Get rid of those material possessions, you don't need them. All you need in order to have a fulfilling life is yourself. You don't need a bunch of expensive gadgets to keep you happy, the secret to happiness lives within you.

Oh, oh crap, I know where this is going.

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