#4. Will Smith Maintains Eye Contact at All Costs
Actually, Will Smith and the millions of dollars every single one of his movies makes at the box office beg to differ. They also beg to peer INTO YOUR SOUL!
But unlike Zoolander, Smith has had a second look from the start: a goofy grin that seems to say, "Your daughter is safe with me, sir."
Or son, as the case may be.
#3. Jet Li Only Owns One Pair of Sunglasses
Sure Jet Li makes the same facial expression on every single movie poster. But that could be said about every single frame of every movie he's ever appeared in. The man isn't here to smile or crack wise.
Really, the only reason we include Li is because we feel sorry for him, and hope that between the lot of them, his co-stars can chip in and buy him a new pair of sunglasses.
... pair ...
... every ...
#2. Bruce Willis Hides Half His Face, or Tilts to the Right
Bruce Willis' look has been a work in progress. From 1988 to 1995 Bruce Wills was not allowed to show more than half of his face on the poster of any major motion picture.
Then from 2002 to 2003 there was his short-lived attempt to become the go-to guy when you needed a soldier's head to loom over an aerial bombardment ...
But on the poster for Die Hard reject Hostage, he saw something he liked.
Not the borderline cartoon-ish De Niro impression, but the precise angle of his bald head, cocked slightly towards his left shoulder. He liked it so much that he cocked his head at the exact same angle on every single one of the posters for Hostage.
And then on the posters for his next two movies.
When the designers of his next two movie posters tried to shoot him standing up straight, he apparently had someone tilt the posters so he appeared to be listing to his left.
Again, we must be seeing some larger rule in play here that applies to other actors equally, right? We'll let Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren take that one.
#1. Tom Cruise Shows Only the Right Side of His Face
Look, we're not going to claim that Tom Cruise is the inspiration for Derek Zoolander. The guy is obviously capable of having an intelligent thought once in a while.
Sure Cruise was illiterate for most of his life, like Zoolander.
And sure, Ben Stiller does love making fun of Cruise.
But it's not like Cruise only has one look, or worse yet, one side of his face from which he can sell a movie poster.
Because that would just about seal it.
OK, Tom Cruise was totally the inspiration for Zoolander. Hell, he might be the inspiration for Two Face. Not only does he only have one look, he might not even have a left side to his face.
What a dork. Hey everyone. Let's laugh at Tom Cruise!
Wait. What's he doing? Oh no. Oh God. He's going for a 360. This is unprecedented in the history of movie poster appearances.
OK, Tom Cruise ain't nothing to fuck with.
You can read more from Eric Yosomono at his site.
For more hilarious movie posters, check out 15 Grossly Misleading Movie Posters and Lost In Translation: 20 Baffling Foreign Movie Posters.