CRACKED ROUND-UP: Food Poisoning Edition
Life lesson, everybody. Apparently bacon can go bad, even if you store it in the basement under a sofa. Turns out those green spots weren't jalapenos after all.
Are you a bully, looking for a sense of purpose in a world that seems to have passed you by? Read Soren's article and learn how YOU can stay relevant in the "post-nerd" world. Looking for the Internet's most comprehensive guide to sexting, written by a grown-ass man? Bucholz has you covered. Next, why not take a break from thinking and just gape in terror at the creepiest robots Brockway can find. If you're ready for another fright, you can move on to Seanbaby's horrific vision of a world without violent games. Last, Dan O'Brien exposed us all to a double-barreled blast from Charlie Sheen's mind. Thanks, asshole.
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COMING DISASTER
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 6 Important Things You Didn't Know We're Running Out Of
Don't worry, y'all. Our sexiest politicians are hard at work finding ways to pretend these shortages aren't coming.
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Notable Comment: "then we just go to other planets and do it the old fashioned western way and start raping them of resources. easy."
Fhatthewuck? is the great-great grandfather of the corporate douchebag from Avatar.
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SPOT DECISIONS
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 6 Classic Series You Didn't Know Were Made Up on the Fly
Planning is the first step on the road to failure.
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Notable Comment: "All I can say about X-Files, 24, and Lost...and BSG, is DUH they were made up. That's why it wasn't about the story it was about the suspense/mystery. Can't believe people actually like CSI for that matter..."
CSI had about as much mystery as a vegan's bowel movements, Dem0n5.
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FACEBOOK FAIL
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 6 Things Social Networking Sites Need to Stop Doing
Guys, we've got some bad news. In order to protect your privacy, Cracked.com is going to need credit card, social security and routing numbers from all of you. Also blood type. Just walk outside and start shouting the info to everyone you see. Our hidden cameras will pick it up.
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Notable Comment:"f**king scary. That's it, I'm off to orchestrate my digital suicide...."
Remember diode. Down the Information Superhighway, not across the street.
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SCIENCE STARTS DRINKING
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 7 Useful Genetic Experiments That Are Creepy as Hell
Yeah science. That's what we need. Louder mice. Way to identify a major social problem and then solve the shit out of it.
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Notable Comment:"I can't wait for living Gummy bears. Cus you know that would rock.."
Rynarl knows that the best candy screams when you eat it.
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CHILD ENDANGERMENT
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 6 Movie Guardians Who Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Children
More evidence that Hollywood writers seldom breed..
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Notable Comment: "Kids were taken on exploration ships many years ago. They kept time, scrubbed the deck, manned cannons, etc. They were probably snuggle companions, too. Maybe the Federation is going through a historical cycle of no child welfare."
If sopwith is right, Picard Day just got a whole lot creepier.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 Ads for Products that Apparently Exist in Movies
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, What Villains Do in Their Spare Time and How Human Evolution Will Adapt to Modern Gadgets.
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WINNERS! The Craption Contest!
Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.
3.03.11:
Just a bit to the left....there. Hold it. Hold it. We're picking up channel 24 again. Don't move.
by DanDavis
Editor's pick:
Your first time was in the back of a Volkswagen? Pfft..big deal. My first time....
by sharonp
3.02.11:
Everyone decided to wait for the next bus.
by Leaf
Editor's pick:
Tim Burton's "Gumby".
by MattBlack
3.01.11:
"You both know the rules. First one to sober up loses."
by Mario!!!
Editor's pick:
Sure, it looks bad ass. Then you find out it started as Kirk vs. Piccard argument.
by Malaclips
2.28.11:
Catholic (left), Protestant (centre), Mormon (right), Scientologist (front).
by Leaf
Editor's pick:
"But I don't want to be Archduke Ferdinand"
by Wonkypops
2.27.11:
Dog fighting in Ireland is done a little differently.
by Mario!!!
Editor's pick:
Huh.... and I thought "Box the dog" was a euphemism for masturbation.
by DHooligan
2.26.11:
In Soviet Russia, suit picks you up from cleaners on way to work.
by puppy528
Editor's pick:
It's about time they built a commemorative statue to the Bush/Cheney presidency.
by sephiroth3
2.25.11:
You usually have to give Scientology at least $50,000 before they'll show you this.
by RevolutionTime
Editor's pick:
They realized it was pregnant. Soon, all eyes began to drift toward Captain Kirk, who was suddenly VERY interested in his communicator.
by jtklove
Meh, the editor's pick's of the Craptions are always so very lazy, in that they just seem to scroll down slightly. If you don't submit your craption pretty quickly most people won't see it as it get's lost in the tide. Even the editor refuses to look more than 5 craptions down. What a sorry world we live in, woe is me.
ReplyWould you want to sort through around 500 probably bad jokes every week or so?
^ word. and afterall, it's not like every craption you type is a total gem, lyco...
also, the editor's picks were actually pretty good this time
Mic test mic test, hello mic 123...ehem
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesWhere is AoC?? It's March now.
d;=)
Umm, excuse me, I'm trying to find my seat- do you know what row this is?
This way please Mr. Hole. Your seat is no. 36A. Thank you for flying with Oceanic Airlines
d;=)
I needs a complimentary drunk! My buzz is wearin' off!
This is your Captain speaking. If the passengers on the left row would like to look out their windows you'll have a great snapshot opportunity of mediocrity... ha ha, no I'm just kidding. But seriously folks, we are crashing so if you would like to first fasten the supplied oxygen masks to yourself before helping another, then we'll all be high as f_ck before we hit the water. We know you have a choice in international airlines and would like to thank you for choosing Oceanic Airlines. Once again that's Oceanic Airlines "See the sea for a fraction of our competitors price."
And I'd just like to remind everyone that the screaming baby in the row behind you will not float, and is useless as a life raft, so it would be a good idea to discard the extra weight. Thank you for flying with Oceanic Airlines, enjoy your fiery decent into Cthulu's back yard.
Last but not least, this message is for anyone using the bathrooms: Do not flush once we've entered the sea, consequences might be devastating for the rest of the world. And it's not like we need to be blamed for any more catastrophes and international conflicts.
None of you are funny.