Thanks to the know-it-all from second grade, we're all aware that dolphins and whales are mammals, not fish. But it's probably been a while since you've pondered just how incredibly, mind-blowingly weird it is that you and whales were the same animal more recently than whales and sharks. Or to put it in chart form, you and whales split up somewhere in the big tangle of bio diversity up top labeled "Age of Mammals" while whales and fish haven't been the same animals since way the hell down ...
... here where you see the word Selacchi. So how is it that our evolutionary cousins ended up with flippers and fins exactly where fish have them and we ended up needing swimming lessons?
Courtesy of Getty Images.
"You've changed man."
Turns out it's the same reason birds and bats both ended up flying around on wings: convergent evolution, the smarmy term for when completely unrelated species develop similar traits. It happens because, related or not, evolution is going to favor the folks with the best equipment. Here are some critters that prove sometimes evolution is just trying to screw with your head ...
10-9 Brown Antechinus
Image By Glen Fergus
What it looks like:
You don't need your wife standing next to you screaming, "MOUSE! OH MY GOD KILL IT, KILL IT NOW" to tell you what that thing is. If you saw one scamper across your floor, you'd bring out the mousetrap. The next day, when you found the little sucker impaled on the wall of spikes that your tiny mousetrap catapult flung it into, you'd toss it in the trash without a second thought. Well if you love adorable things, or are a fan of the posters in elementary school libraries, we've got some bad news.
What it actually is: A tiny little mutant koala
Image By Quartl
The brown antechinus' lack of a placenta makes it a marsupial, which means that long before it looked, acted and pooped all over your boxes of old family photographs like a mouse, it descended from the evolutionary great grandfather of the koala. Once they split up, the antechinus developed fast-twitch muscles and shrunk so that it didn't need much food to become self-sufficient. Meanwhile, the koala developed whatever the opposite of fast-twitch muscles are, and became a slow moving, constantly sleeping machine of eucalyptus consumption that kind of looks like a teddy bear.
Fortunately for the koala, its prime location on the "OHMYGODSOCUTE" end of the spectrum of reasons humans will freak out about animals is all that really matters in our eyes. Meanwhile, the antechinus secured itself a spot on the "kill it with whatever you happen to be holding at the time" end of the spectrum with mice, spiders and anything that looks like them. The moral of this story: hard work is good and all, but if you look like a teddy bear you can sleep for 18 hours a day and people will take an active interest in making sure you always have plenty of food and sex. Thus concludes the worst Aesop's fable ever.
Image By Cody Pope
The worst part? It's impossible to argue with that decision.