#3. Toe Rings
Show us a girl with a toe ring and we'll show you a girl with a butterfly tramp stamp. (Hint - It's the same girl.) But seriously, toe rings have long been considered the go-to jewelry of sassy broads and floozy foxes alike for years. And we're thinking those girls are going to shit a brick when they find out there are some rings that are specifically marketed to help women lose weight.
Which is more of a bonus than "Making you irresistible to foot fetishists."
Not by forcing them to run from the dozens of suitors chasing them on account of their sexy ass toe jewelry, as you probably assumed, but by making them silly walk.
Slim Rings consist of a pair of flexible silicone plastic rings that fasten around your big toes. Their main feature is a small bump that points downwards, so each time you put pressure on your foot, you shift the distribution of your weight. This causes the way you stand and walk to change, putting strain on less used muscles and thus supposedly making the muscles from your head to toe work more efficiently. The program is supposed to particularly affect the problem areas of the stomach and inner thighs, making fatassed people less fatassed and skinny people even skinnier.
Or photoshopped people even more photoshopped.
Of course, affecting an unnatural walking style can screw up your legs and posture. Or that you're voluntarily wearing the equivalent of a nasty callus on both your big toes instead of addressing any of the actual causes of weight gain, like diet or real exercise. Calorie counting is for the birds. Birds who aren't wearing magic rings on their toes.
#2. Flava Spray
Obviously the biggest downside of dieting is the fact that the foods you're supposed to eat taste like Bland City, USA. But guess what? This is the future, bro. There's no reason you can't get all the taste you want out of a taste can.
Flavor Spray is a calorie-free spray-on flavor by gourmet chef David Burke that claims to add, say, Parmesan flavor to your pasta without all those cheesy calories. There's a range of 25 flavors available, so you can go nuts: root beer float liverwurst, hot and sour oranges, banana split chicken, mango raspberry bubblegum parmesan cheese teriyaki whiskey.
Is anyone else craving a mango raspberry Parmesan cheese salad right now?
And yes, of course there is a bacon flavor, which is probably why Flavor Spray was actually named one of the best inventions of the year 2005 by the Time Magazine.
The problem is unless you're looking to make a minor and inconsequential change to what you're eating (i.e., making your cracker taste like a spicy cracker) eating something sprayed with Flavor Spray would be like having your common sense pelted with monkey asses. You know what you're having, you know what it should be tasting like, yet your taste buds claim it's something completely different. Bacon-flavored celery isn't going to say "bacon" to our taste buds. It's going to say, "Celery dipped in pork chemicals, thanks to the hubris of a man trying to play God."
David Burke is a madman, and he will perish by his own foul creation.
It's at this point you realize, hey, Flavor Spray is just another spice. As this review points out, spices aren't what make your foods fatty. If you want to spice up some plain almonds, you can do that with salt or pepper or chili powder or any number of things in your cabinet without adding calories. But no spray will make your rice crackers taste like a cheeseburger. So selling it as a magical diet product ("Replace Fat with Flavor!") falls into "bullshit" territory.
#1. Pregnant Lady Pee
So you've tried every weight loss method known to man, outside of diet and exercise. There's got to be something you've missed, some wonder drug that's going to take you back to the measurements where you can fit into your swimming suit or, failing that, even the room where you keep your swimming suit.
We've heard that a few years in a forced labor camp does wonders for your waistline.
And then you find out about something you've not yet tried: losing weight through hCG hormone injections.
Congratulations, you have just won the gold medal in Wrong Olympics! If you'd bothered to Google around a bit before plunging that syringe in, you'd have found that the hCG hormone -- the one now flowing in your veins -- is attained from a very specific source:
Namely, the piss of pregnant women.
A small, sad percentage of you are ordering right now.
While the idea of hCG as a weight loss drug has been around since the 1950s, author Kevin Trudeau was the guy to take this pee rocket to the moon with his best-selling book, The Weight Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You to Know About. The book, by the way, was the latest installment in a line of self help health books that had so far taught us how to rip a new one to diseases such as cancer, herpes, AIDS, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, attention deficit disorder and muscular dystrophy.
Now, there's a few things you should know about Kevin. 1) the man is telling you to syringe piss in your body, and 2) he is a convicted felon with a criminal record the length of your arm who has no medical training or proof of his claims whatsoever. Three, he looks like this:
We might buy drugs from this man, but definitely not medicine.
Kevin's little scam didn't make him a millionaire, it made him a goddamn BILLIONAIRE and paved the way for countless hacks peddling hCG as a valid obesity cure. Which it's not, by the way. At the same time practitioners are injecting wee-wee into their thighs, they're also subsisting on 500 calories a day. So yeah, they're losing weight, but it's because they're officially anorexic, not because of the lady lemonade flowing through their veins.
Pauli Poisuo is a freelance writer, visit his humble virtual home here.
And since you aren't going to exercise, you might as well check out our bestselling book.