In a landscape littered with unscientific and downright stupid weight loss products, it takes something extra stupid to get our attention. Fortunately, weight loss is a big business, and some of the products on the market today seem purely intended to find out how far they can go before we call bullshit. After all, surely nobody is really out there buying ...
#6. Weight Loss Sunglasses
One of the nicest gifts our ancestors left us is our sense of disgust. Not the look-at-that-tramp-Betty White-who-does-she-think-she-is kind of disgust -- though most of us have that in spades -- but our gut-churning sense of revulsion at the sight of spoiled food. Not just the smell, but the color of food is huge when it comes to our appetites. It keeps us from getting sick.
And according to some color theorists, blue is the most unappetizing color, partially because it's rarely found in food in nature, but also because blue food makes us think we're eating either mold or the droppings of a semi-retarded, well-dressed ghosts:
So, if blue ruins our appetites, it only make sense that turning all our food into blue ghost poop would help us lose weight. Thus the Diet Sunglasses were birthed.
The makers of Diet Sunglasses stuck blue lenses where cool mirrored ones should be because blue food looks gross, and who wants to eat stuff that looks gross?
Even if it means looking like a flamboyant aviator as you eat.
The really crazy thing is it might actually work ... just accidentally. There's no scientific data saying that blue is the least appetizing color ...
And about one thousand blue M&Ms that call bullshit.
But there is data that suggests it's the most relaxing color, and scientists think you're more likely to eat well if you're relaxed. That makes sense when you look at this testimony from a user. While her appetite wasn't exactly squelched, seeing the world in blue did relax her, and a relaxed belly is a less ravenous belly.
So basically, you could get the same effect by just playing Enya music while you eat. Or, you know, change your diet and try to exercise.
#5. Diet Dinnerware
On second though, exercise is hard. And let's face it, you're never going to be able to hear the soothing sounds of Enya over the loud and unsettling sounds you make when you're feeding. Maybe what you need is just some means of eating in a more controlled and civilized manner. Maybe you should try to get yourself a fork with traffic lights or talking plate that watches what you eat for you.
Ha, we bet you thought we were kidding about the traffic lights! Meet Diet Dinnerware:
The way the product works is pretty simple: Every 40 to 60 seconds the red light on the shaft turns green, indicating it's OK to have a mouthful. Then the light turns red again, leaving you to masticate like a farm animal while waiting patiently for the green light. Repeat until plate is empty / dinner is cold / you throw the fork out of the window.
Another fun feature of the product is its "stealth" restaurant mode, where the blinking signal comes from an external object on the table instead of the fork (because that would be just embarrassing). Said foreign object would be the blue fish thingy you see in the picture. Which you place on the table. Where it will flash red and green. STEALTHY.
It makes every meal as relaxing as gridlock traffic!
Another product called the Smart Plate, will talk to you once the dietitians have given up. Fortunately for fans of The Biggest Loser and intensely sad meals, the plate is programmed to insult the person eating off of it.
See, the Smart Plate is equipped with a weight sensor, which is connected to small speakers that will berate you with pre-recorded phrases such as "Where's your willpower?" and "Stop right there! What about excess weight?" whenever the pre-programmed weight limit is reached.
While dieting tends to be all about self esteem issues, the Smart Plate is designed to take whatever little crumbs of self-worth you have left, and make you beg for them because they know you like crumbs. But who are we to argue with the man who invented the musical condom?
Some men are too brilliant for any time.
#4. Ear Stapling
If you've ever been a little girl or a guy with earrings, you've probably experienced the rite of passage of going to the local mall to get your ears pierced. And when you did, you probably remember that thing that they used to stick pretty little studs into your ears. It kind of looked like a cross between a stapler and a nail gun and was less painful than a quick immunization shot.
And if that was your ear piercing experience, you're probably thinking that "ear stapling" for weight loss isn't the craziest thing in the world. The Chinese have been using acupuncture for a kajillion years, right? Isn't this the same thing?
If jamming needles into your back is healthy, stapling your earlobes HAS to be?
In a word, no. Not at all. Because even though ear stapling is loosely based on auricular acupuncture (which isn't an actual science, by the way), we're pretty sure practicing acupuncturists don't leave needles in their patients ears for weeks at a time.
Pierced earlobes, though nasty if infected, are soft tissue and tend to heal even if the guy doing the piercing is picking his nose and eating a hot dog during the procedure. Staples, however, need to be placed at the exact right spot so that they hit the correct acu-points. Said points are located in the hard cartilage of the ear.
Piercings in the area will hurt like a bastard and heal much more slowly. Plenty of people have also had to deal with permanently disfiguring infections thanks to the stapling process. Oh, and the holes caused by the procedure are also very likely going to be there forever.
So, potential pain, infection, scarring and the fact that you have goddamn staples in your ears? All risks totally worth taking for a diet procedure that has absolutely no scientific studies whatsoever to back up its effectiveness. But it beats switching to salad and going for a jog every now and then, right?
"I'm putting on weight! Time to mutilate my face."