7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

#3. If He's Overly Protective of His Gadgets, He's Hiding Something

Look, our man here trusts his girlfriend and all, but lately she's been doing some odd stuff, like poisoning him and crushing his testicles. Maybe giving out personal passwords so readily just isn't a good idea. It's nothing personal. It's just not a smart thing to do. She'll understand, right? Surely ... surely Cosmo won't try to have you killed for exercising this very basic right to human privacy? P-please?


Nice try.

" 'The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,' says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive."

Get ready for either solitude or the joy of library computing.

He didn't feel it was her business to have complete, unrestricted access to his business email. There is literally no possible reason for that kind of mistrust; what has she done in the past to give him reason to doubt her? Was it the Sharpie mustache that may have gotten him fired? "Why aren't you over that? Who keeps bringing it up? Sarah? Is it that vacuum-hearted bitch from space, Sarah? IS IT?!"

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Naturally, Cosmo's revenge list has the perfect answer for this particular transgression:

"Donate his 60-inch plasma to charity."

"No, officer, you don't understand! It was a sassy act of revenge. Doesn't that grant me immunity?"

Well, so much for being overly protective of his gadgets. Just give her the goddamn passwords! That's what love is all about, you know: blind, mostly fear-based trust.

#2. If He's Happy, He's Cheating

Man, how did an uptight guy like him ever land a cool chick like her? He's always fretting over everyday things, but he'd better do something about that, before the stress tears them apart. So, he promises himself that, from now on, he's not gonna let the trivial things bother him. Not the theft, or the attempted murder, or even the genital mutilation. It's time to just let the small things slide.

A three-bar-a-day Xanax habit helps with that.

... aaand he's cheating on her again. Cosmo:

" 'If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added sex and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy,' Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships: 'If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.' "

This is how he should look at all times.

That's right. If, after all of the horrible things Cosmo has demanded she do to him, he is still capable of smiling at anything, it must be because he's getting some random sex and attention on the side.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

So he's not gonna sweat the small stuff, huh? Here's how his girlfriend might decide to test that, care of Cosmo:

"Invite your friends to a backyard bonfire using his clothes and prized sports equipment as kindling."

"Burning plastic gives off dangerous fumes, ma'am. All your friends will need to be hospitalized.
You're going to jail for creating a danger to public health."

Yes, wanton property damage and mild arson is the only fair punishment for a man's newfound pep.

That's right, you cheating pool of hateful filth. That's what you get for letting the little things go: having to let all of your big things go also. Got a smile on your face now? No? Good! Look how faithful you're being. You're really learning, aren't you?

There's nothing quite like love.

#1. If His Friends Don't Talk to You, He Doesn't Love You

Our hypothetical man, assuming he's still alive at this point, really appreciates that his best friend is so cool with the girlfriend tagging along on guys' night out. Our guy tried to go out on his own, at first, but she threw away his dog and crashed his car into the house repeatedly until he invited her to come with. The best friend is really being great about it, too; he even says hello and engages in friendly small talk with her.

"No, I wasn't aware he cried after sex. But I'd always kinda assumed."

According to Cosmo, that could be a sign that the guy is no longer in love wit-

What? No! He didn't even do anything this time! It's all his friend! Please, Cosmo!

Ahem. The friend's behavior could be a sign that he's no longer in love with her:

"Even though a player's bros may be friendly enough, they probably won't ask you many personal questions about your job, interests, etc. The ugly truth: They don't want to invest time and energy getting to know you because they figure you're not going to be around very long."

"I just don't have the extra mental energy to show basic human interest in any more attractive women. Two is my limit."

Yup. The fact that his buddy doesn't take the time to ask her personal questions (you know, stuff like, "What are your hopes and dreams for a brighter tomorrow?" ... or maybe, "How do you think we can simultaneously solve the oft-conflicting problems of world hunger and depleted rain forests?") is clearly a sign that the relationship is doomed.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Here's another appropriate item from Cosmo's revenge list:

"You know his best friend -- the guy he can't live without? Show up at his apartment wearing only a trench coat."

What man could say no to the sexual advances of his best friend's abusive, crazy girlfriend?

See, there you go. Your best friend wouldn't talk to her, which is clearly your fault, so now she's going to sexually destroy every meaningful relationship in your life. But on the upside, at least Cosmo's avatar of destruction on Earth has shifted its attention from you and focused the white hot laser of its wrath on your best friend instead. Now you're free! Sure, you're a broken, unemployed, impotent and psychologically ruined human being with no ties -- material or personal -- to the world at large. But hey, you're a perfect candidate for both homelessness and cultism ... things are looking up!

Enjoy pooping in boxes and muttering vaguely about "that bitch" for the rest of your natural life.

Check out more of Dennis' musings on dating and relationships here.

You know what that subscription to Cosmo could buy you instead? Our bestselling book.

For more reasons to never trust Cosmo, ever, check out 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital. Or learn about some other places you shouldn't got to for love advice, in The 5 Worst Places to Go for Online Sex Advice.

And stop by Linkstorm to learn the proper medical procedures for remedying all the terrible stuff above.

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