5If He Wants More Sex From His Girl, He's Cheating
Man, she's been looking extra-hot these past couple of weeks. Our guy sure is a lucky man, and maybe it's time to show her that. Too bad that's not what Cosmo is telling her.
According to Cosmo, a guy wanting more sex is yet another sign that he's hiding something:
"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations."
Like aliens. Women never blame the aliens.
Granted, they do say to rule out other explanations first. But notice they mention this only after they've already explained in detail how and why he's cheating. And they don't say to confirm the cheating - they say to simply rule out other factors. Then you're safe to assume he's banging somebody else. Why acknowledge a smidgen of reasonable doubt when assuming the worst possible scenario is so much more exciting?
"If my love life isn't as dramatic as Hollywood tells me it should be, I know something's wrong."
What kind of consequences he can expect:
He's in for a night in the hospital, because his girlfriend just read this:
"Challenge him to a naked wrestling match and whip out your signature move, the Ten-Fingered Ball-Crusher."
Congratulations -- your hand is now a war criminal.
Hey, he wanted to physically connect with his significant other. This is technically fulfilling that need, right? She's never been closer to his junk, now that her fingers are crushing it into a pulpy mass of shame and pain. It's probably a good thing that he'll never be capable of maintaining an erection again, because if wanting it means that he's cheating on her, being physically incapable of it must be the ultimate sign of fidelity.
4If He Starts Grooming Himself, He's Cheating
Double standards aren't fair. Why should a guy ask his significant other to keep up appearances if he's not willing to himself? So, in a show of solidarity, he shoves his percolating homophobia back into the deepest recesses of his subconscious, pulls his hair clippers out of the closet and start grooming his manly regions. Heck, he figures he might as well get in shape, too, so he tries a new workout routine at the gym.
Bad move: According to Cosmo, this isn't just a sign that he's hiding something, it's a sign that he's outright cheating on her:
His heart is true. And clogged.
" 'This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's spending more time naked,' says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym."
Who exactly are you trying to impress, hypothetical man, what with all the weightlifting and the pruning? Your girlfriend? That can't possibly be the case. She's got crippling self-esteem problems, thanks in no small part to all of these Cosmo articles, so she'll never believe that you started doing things out of consideration for her, nor even for your own health and personal well-being. No, the only possible explanation for your sudden interest in sit-ups is that later that night you're attending the most vile orgy that history has seen since Caligula.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What kind of consequences he can expect:
Fiery punishment awaits the man stupid enough to try to improve his physical appearance for his girlfriend without her asking:
"Dust the insides of his freshly washed boxers with hot chili powder."
That's what you get for exercising.
Hopefully the burning won't kick in until he's hip-deep in writhing skanks, so as to optimize the casualties, like a genital-based revenge grenade. That'll teach you to take up jogging, you morally bankrupt pervert.