CRACKED ROUND-UP: Love is Terrible Edition

Valentine's Day isn't an easy holiday for those of us in the Internet comedy business. Danish prostitutes won't take candy hearts as payment, and the warmth of a good gin doesn't quite make up for decades of loneliness. On the up side? Candy chalk hearts.

Soren Bowie kicked off our train of failed love with the storied history of his relationship with Sandra Bullock. Like most relationships with Cracked writers, it ended in legal threats. Bucholz gave the lonely, trembling masses a guide to coping with Valentines Day fallout, and Brockway exposed Japan's dark heart to the Internet at large. Seanbaby took a look at the greatest generation's horrifying ad campaigns, which were pretty much all about getting children killed. Last was Dan O'Brien, with a face-meltingly awesome expose on Abraham Lincoln's hidden badassitude.

SEX BRAIN

6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With "Alcohol" and "guilt" would be the two not-so-secret factors.

Notable Comment: "Two of my exes also used to get boners when I cried, and only one of them was possibly a psycho."

We're guessing the story of DivvTheKid's romantic past is as depressing as it is filled with felonies.

FOR REAL

5 Amazing Things Invented by Donald Duck (Seriously) So yeah. Donald Duck controls the world. To be honest, we always suspected it was true.

Notable Comment: "The point is people were influenced by an indecently exposed duck."

expired pretty much sums it all up.

BE PREPARED

5 Sci-Fi Apocalypses The Government is Actually Planning For Would you rather they didn't prepare for this shit?

Notable Comment:"Zombies are not a threat the government worries about, as politicians have nothing the zombies want."

MaybeNever is a pithy fellow.

READ BEFORE EATING

The 7 Most Baffling Things Ever Discovered in the Human Body Just imagine what kind of crazy shit is stuck in your body.

Notable Comment:"What if you combine a teratoma with a fetus in fetu? Best movie monster ever. (I do have a weakness for things that attack you from the inside.)"

Someone get TehCezar a movie deal. And some therapy.

THANKS, MOM AND DAD

7 Life-Altering Decisions Made For You Before Your Birth On the plus side, you can use this list to craft your child into the perfect athlete. Until you get lazy and decide to leave the rest of the 'raising' up to TV.

Notable Comment: "I've imposed myself a limited sum over the amount of times an article forces me to mentally picture my mother's vagina, and this article is way past that point. Thanks, cracked."

You're welcome, Refined_Sir.

Michael Swaim, Cody Johnston

If the Independence Day Speech Had a Heckler "Are you musing?"

YOU YOU YOU!

Movie Plots Summed Up in Venn Diagrams We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, 11 Things You Didn't Know about Being President and If Google Results Had a Sense of Humor.

2.17.11:

2 Sex and the City movies later and she STILL looks good!
by Ceveron

Editor's pick:

Apparently, the fourth pigeon fancied himself a horse proctologist.
by Abaddonalpha

2.16.11:

Historians don't know much about it, since this is the only mummy they found from the Fabulous ages.
by Bator

Editor's pick:

Add one good sized bolt and a couple of nuts, and the thing could be anatomically correct.
by jtklove

2.15.11:

Sorry, we don't have a kids menu... legal reasons.
by WarrenMockle

Editor's pick:

Just make sure the sandwich is wearing a condiment.
by hadleydb

2.14.11:

After every performance, various parts of Lady Gaga must be replaced.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

So I've basically counted up and added all parts involved. This pretty much qualifies as the first ever two-and-one-half-some.
by ThePoop

2.13.11:

Science finally proves that absolutely nothing can make a Prius cool.
by RevolutionTime

Editor's pick:

"YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS... THIS DRIVING EXAM!!"
by Linux fan

2.12.11:

It's just what Arizona always feared...the immigrants have evolved.
by RodneyHardman

Editor's pick:

Real men smoke methane cigarettes.
by RevolutionTime

2.11.11:

It was really cruel of them to put this in front of the State Prison.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

The stamp is fairly harmless but the giant letter-opener has already killed three and injured twelve.
by Leaf