5Masturbation-Powered Motion Controller
For anyone who's ever longed for a jerking-activated PowerPoint presentation of porn, we have your patent. It works like this: You put the jerking glove on, then sensors register your, umm, jerkingness, and respond to your arousal by putting appropriate images on your computer screen. This man uses more science to put porn on his monitor than NASA used to put man on the moon. Behold:
And by the way, in order to get that whole "sensing how stimulated you are" bit just right, he's got rubber and metal rings on the jerking hand. And apparently has no problem with that. It's like he doesn't even understand how masturbation works. He's either Hellraiser or a T-1000 who's forgotten his programming -- those of us with non-metallic/masochistic genitals aren't excited by electrically power-sanding them.
We're not sure what this is, but it looks very painful.
The rest of the patent reads like Lieutenant Commander Data just discovered his own crotch and spent the rest of his life wiring it to things. High technology and gratuitous self-manipulation haven't been so blatantly combined since Evangelion.
Every person involved in this show did his job one-handed.
4Budget Vagina Dentata Cleaner/Exciter
Patent # US 20070244418A1
This is exactly what it looks like: a product that converts a woman's toothbrush into a vibrator.
Stuart Harkness' electric toothbrush conversion kit has a target market of less than zero. It's like releasing a Pokemon-brand condom: Nobody wants to use it, or if they do, they certainly shouldn't be allowed to. Anyone OK with combining crotch and dental care is probably growing enough cultures in both regions that this will act as a shuttle bus between the two civilizations.
"You guys hear? The Lion King is playing in Taint tonight."
The crazy thing doesn't even fit over regular electric toothbrushes -- it requires users to buy his special Swiss Army Orifice toothbrush, which can be connected not only to a brush but also to various terrifying drills. Apparently, Harkness thinks the birth canal is part of a Constructo set. He'll probably include a bidet hose and colonoscopy probe as soon as he finds out girls have that hole, too. This is something a nine-year-old boy would invent before working out he was gay, and even then it wouldn't matter because he was going to stay a virgin anyway.