#7. Polystation 3
You could do a whole article on just sad knockoff game consoles, but this one seems to be on another level as it combines the disappointment of a knockoff with the lame graphics of cheap portable with the inability to take it anywhere.
Your new Polystation comes with its most popular game, "Soccer", on a 3" by 4" "Hygh Defunitian" screen. If you want to play a different game, you have to buy a different Polystation (other titles include "Formula 1" and something called "Space Guardian", which likely doesn't really exist).
#6. Transformatrix Optimus Prime
Source: Dollar Store Toy Box
This dandy of a knock off can be found at a number of dollar stores, probably right next to the can labeled "Meat Product." It actually resembles Optimus Prime, at least until you try to transform him, at which point you must remove his head and arms. This makes it less a "transformer" and more "a robot with leprosy".
If you leave the arms and head on, you end up with a nightmare tractor holding a battle ax, which admittedly is kind of awesome.
"Yeah, it only gets about four miles to the gallon. But, by God, the gridlock just melts away."
#5. Toy Story 3 Woody and Buzz Lightyear
At first glance these don't seem that bad, aside from the fact that Buzz is roughly the size of Herve Villechaize. But some failures only become apparent when you see them in action:
For some inexplicable reason, Woody screams "FIRE! FIRE! DROP THE GUN!" complete with machine gun sound effects while his chest lights up like Iron Man. Either he has serious PTSD or a rampaging crystal meth addiction. If this is an indication of the quality of the rest of the bootleg Toy Story line, we might have to take the packaging's advice and "collections them all".
Only for unlimited times.
#4. Superman Returns (with a Dinosaur)
Superman Come Back is probably the best toy ever associated with Superman Returns because it had the good sense to have absolutely nothing to do with the movie and instead put Superman on a goddamn dinosaur.
We'll even forgive that fact that Superman appears to be wearing a "C" on his chest instead of an "S", because they went all out and gave him a mullet and a face that looks like the result of melting Sylvester Stallone's head. But best of all? The tag pointing up the dinosaur's anus inviting the customer to "TRY ME."
#3. Super Hero Batman
Super-Hero Batman looks like a racist joke in body paint and comes with a light on his chest in case he can't find himself in the dark. He also has a giant bow and arrow, presumably so he can stand in it like Wiley Coyote and launch himself at criminals.
#2. Silverbat and Superbat
At first glance, we're not sure what Batman is doing on a skateboard or why he's gleefully punching his fist through gravel with radio antennae on both sides of his head. The description on the box, however, is incredibly instructive:
THIS JUSTICE MAN ON SKATEBOARD HASA AMAZING "NON-FALL" ACTION GO FORWARD AND TURN RIGHT AUTOMATICALLY AS SOON AS HE COMES TO AN "EDGE".
It's not just amazing, it's hasa amazing!
We're confused as to what the twice mentioned "non-fall action" could mean, especially since "not falling" isn't an action. Presumably his skateboard has training wheels. We especially like how the toymakers put "edge" in quotation marks, like they're referring to a metaphorical edge. We think the edge represents the line between Batman's need for vengeance and his sense of justice. It's a tortured, tormented line he must ride everyday...on his skateboard.
Silverbat is no less a mystery, although the box assures us that it's battery operated. Batman is wearing a random pile of mismatched clothing, presumably because it's laundry day at Wayne Manor, and it appears from looking at the horse's front legs that all the batteries do is make it kick itself in the face over and over again. Which, again, makes it a toy we'd totally buy.
#1. TMNT Gun
Nothing says "Turtle Power" like filleting your enemies with 200 rounds of searing metal death. Almost as baffling is the fact that the toy boasts a "moving barrel", which you may notice is something a gun should never, ever have.
The fact that the gun isn't turtle colored or green or branded in any way, indicates that this is a gun designed for shooting teenage mutant ninja turtles. Now look at the turtles at the bottom of the box. Specifically, look at the expression on the face of Leonardo, on the far right. "Billy? Why are you pointing that at us? Billy? We can talk about this..."
The Cracked gang just finished up a semester at Jedi School. Click here for the trailer to their new series.
For more toys you probably shouldn't buy for kids, check out 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children and The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.
And stop by Linkstorm to see who will win the fight for all the porn on the Internet.
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