#3. Neon Pubic Dyes
Are your carpet and curtains naturally mismatched? Do your genitals want to express their punk individuality and show that they don't cater to society's stodgy conventions? Don't worry -- Betty Beauty pubic hair dyes are here for you.
A handy way of offering your significant other some variety without having to bother with all that "shaving" nonsense, these marvelous pube dyes are available in subtle, natural colors like green and pink.
Have you ever dyed your hair at home? It's tricky, the results are unpredictable and there are all manner of potential side effects, none of which you really want to associate with your crotch -- which, we'd like to remind you, is approximately a gazillion times more sensitive than your scalp. Then again, if you're the type of person dyeing your vagina electric green, you're probably already an old hand at coping with pain.
Now with free stencils!
Most notable, however, are the various ways that Betty Beauty spins its product line as something other than pure torture and clown-bush. Here are some excerpts from the boxes:
On Bridal Betty (which is exactly what you imagine):
Something old, something new, something borrowed and now that something blue can be you, and your bottle of Bridal Betty Malibu Blue!
On Sunburst Betty:
Transform your downstairs hair into a ball of sunlight that will truly brighten up a birthday or other special occasion! You might need sunglasses when confronted with the radiance of Betty Sunburst Orange, such is the force of its luminous qualities.
Above: Either a vagina or a solar flare.
The thing is, if this or any product could really make our crotch shine with such "radiance" that other people would need sunglasses to look at it, we'd own it already. Maybe move to some remote part of the world and convince the natives to worship our magical genitals.
Despite what the name may suggest, vatooing has nothing to do with inky needles and questionable drunken decisions. It's a process where the picture or wording of your choice is painstakingly airbrush-painted onto your lady bits, turning them into a seven-day art exhibition.
Longer, if you aren't a big fan of showers.
Vatooing lasts for a week, assuming there is no friction -- friction that might occur from, say, sex or wearing clothes. So while there may be a point in turning female genitalia into something even more worth seeing and even more untouchable, we have no idea what said point could be; men already have a way to see vaginas they can't touch. It's called the Internet.
Also, here are a few of the stunning displays of craftsmanship responsible for the dry spell of each girl who goes under the gun:
As quick note to women everywhere: A spider climbing out of your crotch is about as effective a form of birth control as a chastity belt.
#1. Genital Bleaching
Ever heard of anal bleaching? The trend where you let people rub cleaning agents on your anus until it shines white? Turns out that's not all you can bleach.
All pigment must go!
Yes, if earlier you decided you wouldn't be satisfied with just changing the color of your pubes, you can totally bleach the brown hell out of the actual flesh on your genitalia.
And yes, of course you can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. But wait, there's more! Should you, for some petty reason, be wary of subjecting your soft tissues to detergents, you can also dye the area with the hue of your choice.
My New Pink Button, which is simultaneously the most accurate and the most horrifying product name we've ever heard, allows you to choose from four colors, not all of which -- if any -- are all that normal. One, in fact, flat-out admits to be basically vaginal lipstick.
Fun fact: My New Pink Button can also be used for nipples. The bleach, too.
My New Pink Button has a reputation for hurting like hell.
But at least no one will mock the color of her vagina.
As for bleaching, the drawback is ... everything. Don't do it. The bleach has horrific side effects. Hydroquinone and kojic acid -- both common ingredients in skin bleaches -- can cause some itchiness and rashes, but also liver, kidney, reproductive, cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and respiratory problems, and even cancer.
And if your date has a problem with the color of your genitals after getting close enough to see them, it probably wasn't going to work out anyway.
Pauli is a freelance writer. You can find more about him here.
There's plenty of more dongtacular articles in our book.
For more horrifying things you can do to your genitals, check out 8 Terrifying Instruments Old-Time Doctors Used on Your Junk and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover whether or not David Wong penazzles.