6 New Anti-Pervert Technologies (We Really Shouldn't Need)

#3. Shutter Sound

The Perversion:

Using cell phone cameras to take upskirt and downblouse photos of women without them being aware. Along with being small and inconspicuous, cell phones further aid perverts by the lacking a shutter sound to indicate that a picture has been taken.

He could be texting or making pornography right now.

The Counter:

Force cell phone makers to include a sound, light or other cue that indicates when a photo is snapped. Many countries consider the upskirt problem to be so severe that they've already put laws into effect, ensuring that your camera can never be muted. Sure, there are plenty of older cameras and cell phones that can be muted, and sure, they could always just use the video recording option, which isn't legally required to make sound, or sure, they could just go do a quick Google search to find one of the many, many threads dedicated to getting around the anti-muting option, but combating perversion isn't like building a great wall that dongs cannot scale. It's more like building a thousand little hurdles so that the dongs will be too tired to do anything too pervy when they finally reach the finish line.

#2. Anti-Sexting Technology

The Perversion:

Sexting is the process of sending sexually explicit content from phone to phone. If you haven't heard of it before, just turn on the news: Roughly 45 percent of the modern-day newscast consists of plastic anchor-people crying and wringing their hands while the word "sexting" repeatedly flashes on the screen in giant, bloody letters.

The Counter:

Apple is introducing text-recognition software to prevent (at least the boring, text-based kind of) sexting. The phone's administrator can set the software up to block certain words and phrases. Though honestly, slang changes so fast that there's no way mere software can keep up where hip, 40-something guys going through mid-life crises have failed for generations. But wait -- why even resort to new words when you could just start substituting letters with numbers, misspellings and abbreviations -- you know, like 99 percent of texts already do? No, sexting will probably continue as long as there are boners and daddy issues; we've just ensured that it will be more annoyingly spelled.

You'll have to be more creative than "c0ck" to fool the future, young pervert.

#1. Video Dick Detection

The Perversion:

Remember last year, when the "video chat with a random stranger" program Chatroulette was a thing people did? Remember how 70% of the video was dicks? No? Shit, sounds like you've got a good hypnotherapist. What's his number?

The Counter(s):

Dick-recognition software. Yes, somebody out there had to design an algorithm that recognized dongs. He had to look at thousands upon thousands of dicks, day in and day out, examining every little fold and vein, trying to determine what truly makes a dick a dick. Then he had to convert the very concept of dicks into math, and program it in a computer, which presumably learned to hate right after that.

"What the fuck are you doing, Dave?"

But hey, even when there aren't more wangs onscreen than in a Dynasty Warriors game, online chatting still may not be safe. Perversion comes in many flavors, after all (and they're probably all really gross, like black licorice jelly beans). That's where pedophile-recognition software comes in: Linkable to Facebook, Twitter and most other chat sites, it analyzes language to look for inappropriate levels of literacy and coherence for a pre-set age group, then lets your kid know if there is something off about user NoI'mTotally13. Weighing in at an astonishing 90 percent reliability on tests, it's very effective at protecting your children from sick predators way outside their own age bracket, as well as any lame grammar nerds within it. Once again punishing the literate while letting the most idiotic of perverts prevail.

"Please use worse grammar to avoid arousing suspicion."

When not writing comedy, Mark M. freelances and dispenses bad philosophy and relationship advice. Paul K Pickett is a Canadian writer. He can be contacted at paulkpickett@hotmail.com.

Our book also doubles as pervert resistant underwear. Make sure you purchase it.

Need more tech and sex? Check out 11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.

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