CRACKED ROUND-UP: Snowed In Edition

Look, we could make some tired, totally expected joke about how the recent rash of snow storms forced the Cracked offices to vote out and cannibalize an intern. But that's what you're expecting, so instead we'll go with a clever observation about snow. Here it is:

....fuck. We've got nothing. Not a single joke. We all just miss Jerry so much. Why do the kind ones always taste so juicy?

The average Cracked reader knows only slightly more about filing taxes than he does about performing open-heart surgery. Thankfully, Soren's Uncle Frank has all the advice you need to get through tax season intact. Bucholz followed-up with a guide to mental domination for the relentlessly narcissistic, while Brockway presented photographic proof of hell. Gladstone sobered our readers up with a look at sex in a post-Internet world and Seanbaby taunted them with the most insane games never made. Dan O'Brien closed us off with Ben Rapelisberger's Super Bowl media address.

WUSSY KIDS

5 Complaints About Modern Life (That Are Statistically B.S.) Quit your bitching and get back to your X-Box and iPad.

Notable Comment: "Ok, some people here really don't know what propaganda means."

Sure we do, BuckRazzle. Propaganda is anything we disagree with.

FIRST WORST

5 Insane Early Drafts of Famous Movie Characters So yeah, here's to editors.

Notable Comment: "I can't unsee Magoo's head as scrotum shaped now. You never even gave me the chance to say 'no thank you, sir'. Where is the middle finger button?"

Sorry, tiger868, we had to remove it after the system was flooded with requests.

MANIPULATION

6 Subtle Ways You're Getting Screwed at the Grocery Store Actually getting screwed at the grocery store isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds. Broccoli kind of...stares.

Notable Comment:"Well, this certainly makes me feel better about my anorexia."

That's all we ever hope to do, LUKeeper.

SOCIAL PROGRAMMING

6 Weird Things That Influence Bad Behavior more than Laws If you want your kid to grow up real weird, paint eyes all up and down the walls and roof of his room.

Notable Comment:"I wonder if the Crack staff has anything on the study where they made an entire prison PINK. Walls, uniforms, etc. As I recall the violence took a nosedive...then skyrocketed up past previous levels."

We have no evidence to back up ZacharySimon's claim, but he has a trustworthy avatar.

FIGHT THE POWER

6 Comic Book Easter Eggs That Stuck It To The Man Comic book writers and editors might be the lamest incarnation of 'the man' ever.

Notable Comment: "I wrote a poem for my graduating class yearbook in which the letters down the left side spelled "f**k YOU ALL"...most satisfying experience of my life was having that published

Yeah, Dyl$nick, you and every other Freshman in college.

After Hours

How Breakfast Cereal Mascots Brainwashed You Like The Wire but everyone's Omar.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Everything Was Designed by 5-Year-Olds We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How One Typo Could Have Changed Everything and If Everything was made by Apple.

2.03.11:

"No Ma. He's my dog. I'll vaporize him."
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

"Shut up mom, I already have four stars and the cops don't give up at that point."
by Ceveron

2.02.11:

"When we finally found the fountain of youth, none of us dared to drink from it."
by satanity

Editor's pick:

Aphrodite was upset, but Poseidon explained it had been a long time and it happened to a lot of guys, and really it was a compliment.
by RodneyHardman

2.01.11:

Things not to get caught doing during a nuclear blast.
by cireone

Editor's pick:

These two never made it to the ark
by bcanders

1.31.11:

The extendo-grab failed to catch Cathy's mother in time
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

Due to an unfortunate typo, this was prosecuted as a hat crime.
by savinator

1.30.11:

See, this is why nerds and rednecks shouldn't breed.
by estomagordo

Editor's pick:

Good planning. They already have the police tape up.
by hadleydb

1.29.11:

Always check what's on the other side of the glory hole. ALWAYS.
by ThePoop

Editor's pick:

I'll bet you anything that my first blowjob was worse than yours
by zulu

1.28.11:

Some train wrecks occur before the engine even starts moving.
by Mario!!!

Editor's pick:

The train robbers walked away with $5.78, two bongs and some patchouli oil.
by Malaclips