In 1987, a 20-year-old man was admitted to the hospital complaining of rectal pain. X-rays revealed a hard, stony mass. The man admitted it was concrete that his boyfriend had poured into his ass while they were "fooling around" that had subsequently hardened into the equivalent of a massive concrete shit-brick.
Because nothing says "I love you" like a funnel and quick-drying cement.
The concrete was removed in a perfect cast of the inside of the man's butthole, sort of like those wax hands you can have made at carnivals.
Like this, only more ass-tastic.
The man was kept in the hospital overnight and discharged the next morning in perfect condition, having somehow managed to not injure himself in the slightest during the whole bout of concrete friskiness. Interestingly, the cement had hardened around another object that was removed along with the cast -- a ping-pong ball, fully intact. Presumably the doctors then carefully excavated the cast like paleontologists, searching for errant hamster bones.
This is what the inside of an asshole looks like.
A 27-year-old woman was admitted to a hospital in India after experiencing six grueling months of coughing, spitting up phlegm and running a fever. Despite four months of antibiotics and tuberculosis treatments, her health was not improving. The doctors then decided to do a videobronchoscopy (when they use those tiny cameras attached to tubes) to examine her airway. They found a strange baglike structure in her bronchus, which you may notice is not generally a symptom associated with bronchial infections. Utilizing the most advanced techniques of modern medicine, the doctors reached down her throat with a pair of forceps and pulled out the tattered remains of a condom.
Worst water balloon fight ever?
Now it was time to conduct a "detailed retrospective history," which is apparently what doctors call their job when the truth is too embarrassing and they want to make it seem like they're doing rad CSI style lab work. Eventually, they deduced that she had accidently inhaled the condom while giving a blow job, though not before some pretty strenuous arguments over whether that was even possible.
Medical records don't indicate how the diagnosis was conveyed to the patient. Did they compliment her on practicing safe sex before outlining a medical treatment plan for giving less enthusiastic blow jobs? Did they simply sit there looking impressed?
"OK seriously, how drunk were you? I've got a bet with the interns."
WARNING: This next entry contains disturbing images.
Teratoma tumors are tumors that often contain hair, teeth and bones, and sometimes even eyes, hands or torsos. You may have heard that they're just a bullshit urban legend, but we assure you they are very real, and they look like the aliens from John Carpenter's The Thing.
Yes, those are freaking teeth.
A baby in Colorado Springs, Colo., was born with a microscopic tumor in his brain, causing doctors to take him into surgery even though he was only three days old. There, they removed the growth and found that it contained one fully formed foot, another partial foot and the beginnings of a hand and a thigh, leading us to wonder if a Smurf-sized twin would've burst through his skull like the Kool-Aid man had the tumor been left unattended.
Another infant, born in Korea, had two separate growths, one containing an eye, a trachea, various internal organs and even a goddamn brain. The other had bones, vertebrae, and intestines, and both were covered in a membrane that clearly contained an umbilical cord. Again, it's difficult to get the twin-bursting image out of our minds when a baby is born with 90 percent of another human being attached to it in two separate lumps.
They don't show up just in babies, either. A 25-year-old Japanese woman had to have one removed from her ovary that contained a lump holding a head, one fully formed eye and numerous internal organs.
We know. The word "Japanese" had us expecting a sentient tentacle tumor too.
Why, nature? You just took every beautiful, complex part of life, then stuffed it into a tiny meat sack and put it in our bodies. It's like finding a cosplayer with giant boobs, then crumpling her up into a bloody heap and shoving her in an ice cream cake.
They've even been known to show up on men. Specifically, the testes. So for all our male readers out there, it turns out that on the spectrum of "worst things to find attached to your junk," not even the lady who inhaled a condom tops the list in the category of "things with teeth."
Yeah, suddenly that big fancy doctor salary doesn't seem so impressive.
We've got stuff more horrifying than that in our new book. So pick it up!
We're not finished giving you nightmares yet. Be sure to check out 19 Unintentionally Terrifying Children's Album Covers and The 7 Most Horrifying Museums on Earth.
And stop by Linkstorm to cleanse your mind (and your mind).
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