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17 Images That Will Ruin Your Childhood

#11.
The Time Traveler Just Couldn't Stop Laughing

The Child Saw:

Jurassic Park brought dinosaur mania back so hard that it hasn't completely dissipated 17 years later. And of course we know the T-Rex was made of rubber and enhanced with some CGI. We're not here to tell you that it was in fact full of Chinese orphans or anything.

No, we're going to look at what a T-Rex would actually look like if we brought one back using the miracle of genetic cloning.

Ruined By:

Uh ... what the shit is that?

That, friends, is a rendering by illustrator Sammy Hall, created after scientists in 2004 published a report on how the T-Rex probably had feathers (at least, the ones that lived in cooler climates). Yeah, so imagine the famous jeep chase scene, only it's this in the rear view:


"Eeep! Eeep!"

If it makes you feel better, I can't find any scientific support for its colorings being that, uh, fabulous. For instance, Wikipedia thinks it merely looked like this:

Of course, they didn't know any of this when they shot the movie -- that's something we just found out over time. Time sort of ruins everything.

For example ...

#10.
"Mr. Henson, Mr. Jim Henson, Please Report to Baggage Claim Area 3 ..."

The Child Saw:

Hey, it's Hoggle! You know, the cranky dwarf who helps Jennifer Connelly's character in Labyrinth. An important film, since many a young girl learned everything she needed to know about male anatomy thanks to David Bowie's pants, which covered his manhood about as well as the vanishing steam from a hot morning shower.

Anyway. Hoggle. I wonder what ol' Hoggle is up to today ...

Ruined By:

Gah! Kill it! Kill it!

For the love of God, man, do it out of mercy!

That's what 19 years does to a foam and latex animatronic puppet. For reasons unknown, the original Hoggle puppet, instead of winding up in some movie memorabilia museum or auction, somehow got lost in an abandoned piece of unclaimed luggage, where it sat for years.

It was then unwittingly purchased by a company that buys unclaimed luggage from airports in bulk in hopes of finding something valuable. They dug out the now-deteriorated Jim Henson character, called doll collector/restorer Gary Sowatzka and said, "Yeah, uh, we have Hoggle here, and he's a rotted horror."

Sowatzka has restored Hoggle, which is nice, but you can't help but wonder what has become of some of our other childhood icons ...

#9.
"Yo, I'll Let You Sit on Me for Some Smack."

The Child Saw:

You know, like Chairy from Pee-Wee's Playhouse!

Ruined By:

OK, we don't know whether that's the actual Chairy or some knockoff that somebody photographed abandoned in an alley. Either way, sooner or later a hobo is going to shit on it.

Though it's probably silly to say that vagrant Chairy (who surely has a heroin addiction by now) ruined our childhood when Pee-Wee himself gave us this mug shot:

... after he was arrested for masturbating in a porno theater. Wait a second ... Paul Reubens was born in 1952. That means Pee-Wee Herman is nearly 60 years-old.

That's the thing about getting famous by playing an immature man-child -- that image kind of gets frozen in the public's mind, no matter how many years pass. Like ...

#8.
Urkel Will Wreck You

The Child Saw:

You've got to love the nerd character. So completely ridiculous and non-threatening. No matter how awkward you feel in your own life, you always know you're at least cooler than Urkel.

And if you had an Urkel in your life, no matter who intimidates you or pushes you around, you could always count on being able to stuff him into a locker.

Ruined By:

... And that's actor Jaleel White today. I was going to make some joke about how Urkel could beat us all up now -- but but he was recently arrested for domestic battery, so suddenly that doesn't seem funny any more.

Ah, but kid actors often go off the rails a little bit when they get older. No need to dwell on that. Besides, I actually find this just as depressing:

#7.
The Beastie Respectable Members of the Community

The Child Saw:

If by 1987 you were old enough to listen to music, and had negligent parents, the Beastie Boys were the most rebellious goddamned thing on planet Earth. Just like with Pee-Wee, when you get famous as the Beastie Boys and make your mark on music with a song about how your "mom threw away your best porno mag," it's impossible for people not to mentally picture rebellious kids every time they hear your name.

Ruined By:

OK, so since 1987 these guys have aged approximately 40 years. Remember the hilariously old and cranky parents from the beginning of the "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)" video?

Any of the current-day Beastie Boys could travel back in time, cast himself as the curmudgeonly old dad and fit right in.

To be clear, it's not that we somehow expect our celebrities to remain ageless. It's just that they look so ... distinguished. If you cast them in a cop movie, they'd be playing the guy on the verge of retirement, urging caution at every stage.

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