At one time, every major rap album had to contain at least one track where the rapper recounted, in extreme detail and in first person, a boastful yet grossly implausible tale involving himself and perhaps his crew. Many believe the mid-80s to the mid-90s was the golden era of rap music storytelling.
This era ended in 1994, with Nate Dogg and Warren G's "Regulate," a song that details, among other events, Warren G looking so handsome that a group of women crashed their car from staring at him so hard. The medium's credibility was never regained, causing many of us to cast a skeptical eye on tales such as ...
5"Parents Just Don't Understand" - Will Smith
The very first time mainstream America heard from future worldwide superstar Will Smith was the 1988 single "Parents Just Don't Understand," back when Smith was going by The Fresh Prince. It's a bouncy, radio-friendly, lighthearted tale told from the point of view of a teenager that, partway through, takes a turn for the nightmarish.
The second verse, which depicts at least one felony that Smith was apparently never even indicted for, begins with Smith "borrowing" his parents' car while they're away. Then he finds a girl:
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
Above: What all women want. Forever.
She likes the Porsche and climbs in, then immediately starts desperately trying to seduce him:
She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
This girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh
She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far
At best, his eyes are on the road a third of the time.
At this point he's going so fast he attracts the attention of the police, which is a problem since he doesn't have license. And then:
I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a 12-year-old runaway
What. The. Fucking. Fuck. Motherfucker.
Let's review. Will Smith, future international superstar and Oscar nominee, says, "You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a middle school child. A child who says, "Drive fast, speed turns me on" before moving her hand toward his dick.
Finally, she seduces him by unbuttoning the top three buttons on her shirt to reveal her cleavage. Her 12-year-old cleavage.
Daaamn, girl, you're lookin' fine!
I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded
During this whole sequence, a confused Smith seems to think the problem is that he doesn't have a license. No, Will, the problem is that you just abducted a child off the street with the intention of molesting her.