They say you can't make every problem go away just by throwing money at it. But by God, society is doing its best to make that a lie.
Wherever there is money and even the slightest demand for a service, there is someone out there willing to provide it, no matter how bizarre, pathetic or borderline illegal. That's why for the right amount of cash, you can get ...
If you want to experience what it's like to be famous for absolutely no reason, you can actually hire paparazzi to follow you around for an hour or two and harass you, because this is clearly the most appealing part of being famous. The company, Celeb 4 A Day, has branches in L.A., Austin, New York and San Francisco, and it can provide its services for birthdays, corporate events, or shits and giggles.
"My friends think tragically little of me!"
Basically, you schedule a time and place, and the company sends its photographers out to call out your name, barrage you with questions and take endless photos of you. It has packages starting at $500 for 30 minutes of irritation and going all the way up to a heroic $2,500 for two full hours. With that package, you also get a freaking bodyguard to protect you from the fake paparazzi, a publicist to field the fake questions for you, a goddamned limo, a fake gossip magazine with you on the cover and after the whole thing is over a DVD with a handful of the pictures that your pretend entourage took of your sad bastard ass.
This, right here, will cost you two and a half thousand dollars.
We'd like to point out that all you are managing to accomplish with this service is giving away a large amount of money to get shouted at. Though if you could write the paparazzi's questions beforehand, it might actually be worth $500 to have a group of people hound you in the parking lot of the mall demanding to know whether the rumors are true that you're actually the Batman.
Let's say you're showing up late for work because you spent last night drinking 17 beers and half a bottle of vodka and woke up in a hotel where you may or may not have had sex with someone in a donkey suit. You hope it's a suit, anyway. Normally, you would have to try to make up some excuse on your own ...
"Yeah, um ... my grandmother died."
... but backing up your massive whopper is not the easiest thing to do. You were sick? Where's your doctor's note? You were in a car crash? Why is your car in the parking lot with no damage? Well, fear not, because now you have the Alibi Network.
The Alibi Network bills itself as a "cutting edge full service discreet agency providing alibis and excuses for absences as well as assistance with a variety of sensitive issues." Essentially, it is a company that makes shit up for you and backs it up with convincing documentation and other necessary things to prove your alibi.
"That's right, Mr. and Mrs. Harris. Little Timmy needs to play at least four hours of video games every day until his dropsy improves."
It will come up with some crazy story like how you were actually going for a secret job interview, but on the way you were in a car crash and the hospital had to remove your kidney to save your life, and you're groggy from all the morphine -- and you will have all the documents from the "hospital" and "job interview" to prove it. It's as if Machiavelli ran a drive-thru.
Pictured: "Job Interview"
You can even get the company to help you fool potential employers into believing that you have attended certain classes and seminars to boost your resume. The prices run $75 and up, depending on how much effort is required to back up your story, though apparently the price to help you cover up an affair is negotiable depending on the situation. Before you decide to go and murder someone, though, please note that the Alibi Network refuses to help when criminal activity is involved.
Sometimes you just have to end relationships, whether it be because you've grown apart from your boyfriend or because your girlfriend caught you masturbating to ThunderCats. That conversation, be it on the phone or face to face, is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do.
Next to shooting Old Yeller.
But what if you are shy or scared or don't know what to say when the time comes? The company iDUMP4U has decided to capitalize on your pain (or happiness, depending on which side of the breakup you're on) by offering its services to dump your significant other. It charges $10 for a basic breakup, $25 to call off an engagement and $50 to announce a divorce, and it records the whole thing to play on its YouTube channel, because anything worth doing is worth doing for Internet fame.
On the application form, the company specifically states: "Remember, we are ASSHOLES ... we dump people for a living. So if you feed us fake information, or wrong info, and waste our time. We will make fun of you on the web. That is what we do ..." We'd like to take that threat seriously, but we're wondering just how effective making fun of someone's fake identity is going to be, since, you know, it's a fake identity. Imagine taking the time and resources to dedicate an entire YouTube clip to berating a client whose only known handle is "Captain Bonertopia."
Followed by a three-part expose on "Chronic_smoke112"'s history of drug abuse.