Cracked Round Up: 2011 (?) Edition

Wait, what? It's 2011? Son of a whore...what the fuck did Brockway dose us with? And why do we have these strange scars at the base of our necks? Oh God, everything's getting fuzshhhyyyytffhghgh

There's nothing like wild, pointless violence to kick off the new year. Seanbaby agrees, which is why he gave us this column on insane moments in kickboxing for New Years. Soren took us from "amped up" to "unsettled" with the eight least sexy pieces of purported erotica. Bucholz presented a more realistic set of resolutions for a less irrational New Year, while Brockway wrote about the Gor movie. Someone had to. Seanbaby sandwiched our week with even more man comics, and Dan O'Brien finished up with disaster movie explanations for the recent mass bird die-offs.

CRIME AND GENIUS

6 Supervillains From History That Make Joker Look Subtle Once again, Cracked shows that the crazy recluses who draw comic books have nothing on real world mad-fucks.

Notable Comment:

"Also, you forgot to mention that Mussolini once commissioned a statue of himself riding nude astride... a bust of his own head. I don't think even Blofeld was that demented."

Maybe we're crazy, AllenbysEyes, but nothing about that seems the least bit off to us.

OVAL OFFICE MADNESS

6 Presidential Secrets Your History Teacher Didn't Mention By our count, history teachers are responsible for roughly 87.4% of the world's problems.

Notable Comment:"You're wrong about Grant. He was NOT a "hard drinker" he hardly ever drank..."

kudude1, we rarely get the chance to say this, but every single reputable historian on planet earth agrees that you are 100% full of shit.

SECRET LIVES

6 Real People With Secret Identities Nobody Saw Coming So yes, the entire plot of the Superman series is perfectly plausible.

Notable Comment:"How is Garth Brooks not on this list with Chris Gaines or whatever he called himself?"

JesseJohnson, Cracked operates on a strict "never ever mention Garth Brooks" policy. In fact, your post has forced us to purge our entire Intern pool with fire and chlorine gas.

ANIMEDDLING

8 Terrifying Animal Swarms Created By Human Stupidity The obvious lesson from this article is that human beings need to get to work exterminating every other species on earth. It's the only way to save mother nature.

Notable Comment:

"There is absolutely no problem on this list that can't be solved with a simple flame-thrower. I'm including the fish"

crax, flamethrowers are like heroin. Sure, they solve all your problems. But then you never have to grow to meet a challenge. It's a boring man who solves all of his problems via fire.

JOURNALISM

The 5 Ballsiest Acts of Undercover Journalism Ever But yeah, you're totally gutsy for walking home from work that one night even though it was kind of a crappy neighborhood.

Notable Comment:

"Now that I think about it, aren't all acts of undercover journalism ballsy? You never hear about someone going undercover as a meteorologist or a French teacher; it's always dangerous people you have to hang out with."

Actually Pedgerow, one of our interns went undercover as a meteorologist. You'd be surprised at how much coke those guys can put away.

Cracked!

If TMZ's Reporters Were Self-Aware TMZ's like "WHAAAT?"

YOU YOU YOU!

If Spam Emails Were Telling The Truth All Along We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Movies If They'd Been Made In Japan

1.06.11:

India, having difficulties with its space program, decides to orbit the planet on land.
by LilMcGil

Editor's pick:

It turns out that a communist agenda was the true function of Conjunction Junction.
by metsfan

1.05.11:

"Uh..Sorry New Jersey..We took a vote and well...we just can't take it anymore.."
by Discorocks

Editor's pick:

Gentlemen, we've done it. We've weaponized the dick joke.
by bcanders

1.04.11:

Blink 1882
by Billy12step

Editor's pick:

Custer's Last Band.
by MARCS

1.03.11:

I like to kick back and relax after getting blown too.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

Great. Now because of this one idiot, none of us can bring our 80 ft. clear human balloons onto flights.
by Julius_Goat

1.02.11:

Remember before the internet? When porno films actually had storylines?
by Abaddonalpha

Editor's pick:

Hey. I'm booty. You called?
by Abaddonalpha

1.01.11:

this monument was built to honor the people who died building it
by something247

Editor's pick:

Well at least we know that when it breaks we have a giant dustpan to pick it all up.
by yeeeaah

12.31.11:

When you said Elton John got arrested for nailing some dude in public, this isn't what I had in mind.
by DizzleDrizzle

Editor's pick:

Help, help, I'm being re-pressed!
by savinator