Ladies, we know how much you love a good cologne like Brut or Old Spice. And sex just isn't sex for guys unless we're tasting a full workday worth of dance-induced sweat and smoke on our chick from a night of bar-hopping. And while Biopac claims they designed their smell-dispensing system for use in military training, we're thinking there's a more lucrative market out there.
It's a device that contains some basic pre-packaged smells that can be thought of like primary colors. When those are mixed a certain way (regular PC software tells it how to mix them), they produce more complex aromas -- over one hundred of them, just to start. And to avoid making the joke about it possibly being used to produce the smell of sex just to fit in with the theme of this article ... they already beat us to it by actually doing it. It comes standard with the machine.
Without Biopac, virtual sex would just smell like your dog, who is sadly watching you air-fuck a virtual girl from your living room floor.
But it could also give you everything from her perfume, to the smoke at the nightclub, to the scented candles on her nightstand. The whole experience.
And now, it's time to get the tongue involved.
The University of Tsukuba (yes, Japan) has invented a machine that not only produces flavors, but also simulates texture and the feeling of chewing. It turns out that the chewing sensation isn't so much associated with the teeth and tongue as it is with the vibrations sent through the jawbone. That means it can simulate every squishy part of a body that you wish to have in your mouth.
Once again, Japan does us a solid.
And as disturbing as it is to type, it even ejaculates flavors onto your tongue.
"So all that together gets me pretty damn close to actual sex, but doesn't that still just boil down to a means of enhancing my masturbation? Where's the sex in that?" Right here.
That's the RealTouch, a robotic vagina designed by a former NASA engineer. It's already designed to sync up with porn videos, linking the sensation to what's happening onscreen. Though frankly there are tons of these devices, full of electric motors and massagers meant to simulate everything from oral to donkey.
Though we would like to know whatever happened to the Sex Suit. It was a prototype neoprene suit with sensors spread out across the parts that matter, creating heat, cold, vibrations, whatever.
Here's the scary part (besides the suit making you look like Freddie Mercury): Vivid Entertainment had to shelf the project ten years ago because the FCC was afraid it would give people heart attacks or crash their pacemakers. Now, we don't know about you, but the thought of a sex suit that is so powerful, it could fucking kill you ... we have to try that. Even if we were totally against the idea of boning our computers (we're not), we have to admit that there's one hell of a set of bragging rights to be had in riding the Vivid orgasm train and walking away unscathed.
And with that ... we've arrived. We've done it. We have the technology right now to convincingly simulate the one-night-stand experience, from the moment of eye contact across a crowded room through orgasm, relayed via sight, sound, smell, taste and touch.
Yes, I realize all of these technologies are made by different companies and that nobody has written software to make them work in conjunction. But if mankind can't cooperate to make this happen, then why do we have technology at all?
Hurry, ladies! We have much Mocap work to do!
Somebody out there, reading this, has the know-how to make it happen. I'll make you a deal: Build my sex simulator and in exchange, I won't stand in the way of you becoming the richest man on planet Earth.
There's plenty more sex in our new book. And check out more from John, in 5 Ways Television Went Crazy Since I Quit Watching in 2003.