As Grandma always said, "The only drawback to fucking is the humans." That's why pretty much every horny, lonely person on earth has wished at some point for a convincing sex simulation, a realistic experience with no strings attached after they turn off the power.
Uh, yeah, here's the thing: The tech exists right now. I'm not talking about bullshit Japanese titty games, either. I'm saying the hardware exists for a full-immersion virtual boning session engaging all five senses. Most of it you can get off the shelf. A proactive hacker/pervert could write software to make it happen by the end of the month.
Here, let me walk you through it ...
5Getting Warmed Up With Kinect
We've all been there in the real world. It's the beginning of the night, you're feeling confident and you decide you're going to bed with someone even a sober person would call "hot." You'll not settle for less! At 6:15, you lower your goals to "cute, or at least no major deformities." Around last call, you're pretty sure you may have just dry humped an alley cat. At 3 a.m., it's again just you and Internet porn.
And back-of-the-fridge booze.
This is where technology comes in.
The first thing porn doesn't offer you is context, the thrill of meeting the girl and realizing she's into some casual, nasty sex. That's where the technology behind the XBox Kinect could work its magic.
Don't get me wrong, the high-tech wank potential of the Kinect was apparent about five seconds into the first demonstration of the device. Sex game developers have created crude "use your Kinect to grab the rendered titty" games ...
... but that's really missing the point, which is the many aspects of a fantasy the Kinect can bring to life.
Because real women apparently don't cotton to, "Hold still while I pet your butt like a dog.
After all, the device can not only make you look like a flailing imbecile by translating your movements into a video game, but can recognize you by both your face and your voice. So already it has the horsepower to put your dream girl on screen, make her look you in the eye (by tracking your head movements), respond to voice commands and call you by name (or rather, the name you told her, i.e., Rodd Thrashcock). The hardware is right there, all it takes to get the ball rolling is a programmer and an adviser to explain to him what sex is. There is no reason in the world your Xbox girl can't respond to your request to "get on all fours" or "now be Boba Fett."
Of course, it can only see the position of your body. It's not like the virtual girl can somehow detect how horny you are. But the Mindflex can.
There's nothing kids love more than having their minds violated.
It's a simple toy meant for kids, available at any department store, in which the player levitates a foam ball on a movable fan and attempts to navigate it through an obstacle course -- controlled entirely by their mind. The input device is a small headset that measures your brainwaves. It can't read your mind, it just measures how much activity is going on, and how much you're concentrating on the task. So the technology exists, off the shelf, to give us a virtual girl who knows how worked up you're getting.
From there it doesn't seem like it would take too much time in a room full of developers, under the pressuring eyes of a million horny gamers, to take this from "make the fan blow harder" to "make the virtual girl get over here and lick my situation."
"Stare headlong into the abyss of your impending cock-filled demise. But first, could you move over just a tad? My leg is cramping."
We're just getting warmed up here.