6 Douchebag Luxury Goods Originally Invented to Help People

#3. Boner Pills Keep the Blood Racing, Unfortunately

Open up a men's magazine, turn on a football game, or open the spam folder in your email and you'll find ads for erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction drugs such as Viagra and Cialis are among the most heavily advertised and profitable drugs on the market today. Viagra alone gets nearly $2 billion in sales annually. While these drugs are approved to only cure erectile dysfunction, that doesn't stop drugmakers from falsely implying that Viagra will give you better sex, make a good party drug or stop your wife from making you go antiquing.

A good portion of the market is also younger men who fit within the drugmaker's target market: men with disposable income and sexual insecurities. You have to imagine that dick pills must be one of the most amazing plots hatched by the pharmaceutical industry. While Jerry Lewis continues to spend his Labor Day trying to patch together a few million to cure muscular dystrophy, Viagra is raking in billions by making us all feel inadequate in the dick department.


It's like showering in gym class all over again.

Its Noble Origin

Like the butter substitute margarine, Viagra was accidentally discovered while someone was trying to cure hypertension. Trial studies of the phosphodiesterase Type 5 inhibitor sildenafil (Viagra) found that the pill was not effective on high blood pressure, but many patients who were tested reported increased boners. Pfizer decided the whole stiffy angle may be worth something and in 1998 got FDA approval for selling Viagra for erectile dysfunction. After Viagra made more than a billion dollars the first year, other brands, such as Cialis and Levitra, decided to jump on the dickwagon.


There's a reason it's covered.

The good news for heart disease-riddled chumps who don't have problems getting woodies is that after the introduction of Viagra, Pfizer actually did figure out how to use the drug to treat hypertension. In 2005, it came out with a version that treats a rare disease called pulmonary arterial hypertension, marketed under the name Revatio.

#2. Nose Jobs Invented for Cheaters

Rhinoplasty is the term for the plastic surgery techniques that alter the shape and function of patients' noses. While it can be used for reconstruction purposes or to aid in breathing, we know that for the most part, it's used for pure vanity and is the second-most-common plastic surgery procedure.

Its Noble Origin

Rhinoplasty was created to rebuild noses for criminals whose own noses had been amputated for their crimes.

Although plastic surgery seems like a relatively recent invention, the creation of rhinoplasty dates back to 600 B.C. India, when it was invented by an Indian surgical genius named Sushruta. And rather than being used by some shallow ancient Indian socialites, the procedure was actually invented because Dr. Sushruta had pity on criminals.


He also had the ancient world's greatest hairdresser.

Back then, Indian laws dictated cutting off the noses of certain criminals for their crimes. What crime could be heinous enough to permanently disfigure a person for life? Murder? Rape? Kidnapping? Try adultery.

So, 300 years before Hippocrates started doctoring it up in Greece, Sushruta wrote a whole book telling ancient medical experts how to perform complicated surgeries such as nose jobs and cataract removals. And apparently Indians liked to screw around, because he got a lot of practice in the nose job department. Sushruta actually got so good at fixing noses that his techniques ended up in medieval Italy from translated texts, starting a whole plastic surgery industry to the west.


Happily ever after.

#1. Ecstasy

We've all heard about all-night raves chock-full of gaudily dressed, pacifier-sucking rich kids dancing to crappy house music, all celebrating how they are all so individual, yet one. One of the reasons why some kids suck on baby chew toys is because they've taken the drug Ecstasy, which makes them grind their teeth. And we can only assume the reason why they're taking Ecstasy is so they can tolerate their crappy house music.


Everyone in this room is getting laid tonight. Also, syphilis.

Its Noble Origin

Ecstasy was originally synthesized by drugmaker Merck in 1912 as a blood-clotting medicine. Because apparently some people really need their blood to not exit their bodies uncontrollably every time they get cut. Since Merck's rival Bayer already had a successful blood-clotter on the market, Merck's scientists wanted to get in on the clot game with their own version using a chemical called 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA). Unfortunately, the drug didn't work and was scrapped right off the bat.

The company forgot it for 15 years before rediscovering it in 1927. Researchers did some tests on animals to see whether it was good for anything but apparently found nothing interesting.


Or at least that's what the newly invented hypnotoad led them to believe.

So the formula was scrapped once more, until the 1950s, when the CIA experimented with MDMA and many, many other drugs as possible truth serums. By 1967, the godfather of Ecstasy, a former scientist with Dow Chemical named Dr. Alexander Shulgin, had gotten his hands on the formula and made some for himself, testing it and encouraging others to do it as well.


This man has invented more drugs than most people ever take.

And that was when MDMA went from a failure of a blood-clotter to a winner of a euphoria-producing club drug. On the other hand, research indicates that MDMA might be a great tool for helping post-traumatic stress disorder victims and people with autism. Soooo, best illicit drug ever?

And learn how you can stick it to rich folk when you purchase our book.

Discover how you can easily purchase all this stuff in 5 Ways to Get Rich (Without a Single Discernible Skill). And then go out and buy something from 5 Awesome Vehicles for the Extremely Wealthy (And Insane).

And stop by Linkstorm to discover how Cracked was originally started as a Cancer foundation.

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