#4. Lois Lane and Lana Lang Brainwash Superbaby Into Loving Them
Back in the 60s, before Lois Lane and Superman tied the knot, Lois and Lana Lang used to be in a continual battle for Superman's affections and would go to extremely insane lengths to get his attention. Easily the creepiest, most disturbing plan they ever had was to brainwash Superman into loving them, as a baby.
This isn't part of the brainwashing. It's just a really weird thing that also happened.
The story starts with Superman saying goodbye to both girls as he is going to his Fortress of Solitude to do youth-restoring experiments. A few hours later, Lois finds Superbaby on the street and assumes Superman has gotten himself stuck in child form.
Instead of trying to get Superman back to normal, Lois and Lana both decide to take advantage of the situation and hypnotize Superbaby into loving each of them so he will marry them when he goes back to normal, because everyone knows that brainwashing is the foundation to a loving, lasting relationship.
Nothing weird here.
But they don't just leave a short hypnotic message in the kid -- they full on condition him to be their love slave, making him practice proposing to them, kissing them on the cheek and feeling like he genuinely loves them.
"I'm going to fuck that baby! Haw!"
The manipulative, rapey nature of this whole plan is almost too much to believe. If the true horror of this isn't sinking in, pretend that it's two adult men brainwashing a young girl to love and kiss them against her will when she gets older, and suddenly, we've reached into story lines that even German porn won't touch.
When Superman shows up the next day, de-babified and unhypnotized, the girls freak out, thoroughly pissed off at Superman that all that brainwashing they did was for nothing.
How about, on the way, you tell me once more what the fuck you did?
Superman is oddly OK with the fact that they tried to brainwash him, but he is curious anout who that Superbaby was, so he takes the girls back to his Fortress, where one of his super-machines explains that Superbaby was from a different dimension and returned there when he aged back to normal. As a creepy bonus, we find out that their brainwashing actually worked and that the Superman of that reality has proposed to both of them. It's legal in that universe.
Superman seems fine with the idea of an alternate version of himself living a lie and being married against his will and laughs at the whole thing, ignoring the fact that it easily could have been him stuck in a relationship with the two manipulative bitches.
"Everyone would be cool if we just ... kept watching through the honeymoon, right? It's not just me who's curious, yeah?"
#3. Green Lantern Dates a 13-Year-Old
Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, is basically considered on equal footing with Superman when it comes to the whole righteousness and high moral standards thing, which is what made it so weird when Hal started dating a 13-year-old member of the Green Lantern Corps.
Green Lantern Dating Tip: Future sexual prospects love it when you call them "little sister."
Her name was Arisia, and she was an alien who came to Earth to help fight off the ridiculous number of villains we have on our planet. She was also completely in love with Hal, which she made clear as frequently as possible.
To be fair to Hal, he took her aside eventually and told her to back the fuck off and go after boys her own age before she got him into shit over her crush. She tried to argue that she really loved him, but eventually she was shot down and ran away in tears.
So, that's that then -- he broke a little girl's heart, but his integrity is fully intact. Nice work. Well, at least it is until Arisia uses her Green Lantern ring to make her body age itself into a fully grown woman in a matter of hours, and that changes everything!
"... a 13-year-old woman. Really unfamiliar with the space laws, on this one ..."
OK, so physically she looks older now, but that doesn't change the fact that she's still mentally and emotionally only 13. Hal explains to her that even if this was OK (which it's not!), he's not going to date anyone right now, as his girlfriend, Carol, has recently died. And on this point he is very firm, and sad.
Hal's iron will is able to fend off Arisia's advances for a whopping three more pages, when the rest of the Green Lantern Corps comes to rescue the two of them and finds:
"Look, I know we're just a stuffed beaver and a few pig monsters, but this is seriously fucked up."
So apparently all that morality and righteousness garbage goes flying out the window when developed breasts and long legs are involved. Arisia still has the mind-set and life experiences of a girl just 13-years old, but Hal, an intergalactic space cop, says, "No, yeah, I know, but still: titties." Then they date and act like the rest of the team are being assholes for questioning their relationship, as though this wasn't basically statutory rape.
So Hal's happy, Arisia's happy, and the readers at home are left shifting uncomfortably and wondering whether they have to turn these comics in to the cops as some kind of twisted child pornography.
#2. Superman Wants to Marry His Teenage Cousin
In this early Superman story, we find Superman's first cousin, Supergirl, starting to get worried that Superman will never choose a wife and will end up alone forever. He tells her that he's never going to get married, so he can devote his life to defending Earth, to which we Earth residents say, "Awesome!"
Deciding that meddling in his life in a totally unrequested way is her only obvious choice, she starts trying to set Superman up with famous women in history and other superheroes, all with disastrous results. She apologizes to her cousin for meddling, and we then learn the creepy truth -- that Superman isn't as opposed to marriage as he previously said, it's just that he totally, definitely wants to marry his cousin. Oh, and by the way, she's 16, just in case this wasn't quite creepy enough as is.
Superman makes it perfectly clear that if it wasn't against the law on their home planet, he and Supergirl would be knocking Super-boots right now. Hell, from the looks of things, he can barely restrain himself from pouring them some wine and having a two-person tango right there in the Fortress of Solitude. Still determined to get Superman a wife, Supergirl steals a play from the previously discussed creepy Superman comic and finds an exact copy of herself in an alternate dimension that is all grown up and suggests that Superman go marry that girl.
Man what an unsophisticated computer.
Instead of waving off her childish love fantasies, Superman thinks this is a great chance to fulfill his lifelong cousin-marrying fantasy and flies to the alternate reality, where he immediately starts macking on the clone of his cousin and asks her to marry him, no questions asked. Not even "Have you been tested lately?" or "Have you been my cousin forever?" Superman ends up being incredibly happy with his pseudo-cousin, and it seems like things have wrapped themselves up nicely in a beautiful, creepy bow.
The only reason we don't currently read Superman and the Adventures of his Cousin/Wife is because the girl can't survive on Earth, so Superman has to leave her behind, destroying that random parallel-universe Supergirl's life and leaving Superman completely emotionally wrecked. In the end, there's a whole lot of crying, some unresolved sexual tension and Superman flying away sadly, still pining after his teenage cousin.
Yeah, here's your superhero, folks -- a shining example of moral integrity. Don't worry about him being near your daughters, though -- he only likes people he's related to. You're good.
#1. Nightcrawler Dates His Sister
In the early days of X-Men, Nightcrawler's origin was a mystery, until the team got dragged into hell by Margali, Nightcrawler's adopted, gypsy mother, in order for him to go on trial for killing Margali's son, Stefan, who was Kurt's adopted brother.
During the middle of Nightcrawler's hell-trial, his adopted sister Jimaine, who we assume must have just been taking a casual stroll through hell at the time and came to see what was going on, appears in Kurt's defense. All three kids, Kurt, Jimaine and Stefan, were raised from birth together until they were in their 20s, but Kurt hasn't seen Jimaine in years, as he thought she also blamed him for killing their brother and had abandoned him. Kurt finds out he was very wrong about his sister, but very soon the readers at home begin to wish he had been right.
Kurt is found innocent, and they are all returned to Earth where Kurt asks his sister where she's been all this time. The answer is more disturbing than pretty much anything we could ever make up, as she reveals to him that she's actually been around for several months, disguised as a regular human named Amanda Sefton.
Why is that such a big deal? Amanda Sefton is Nightcrawler's girlfriend, and they've been banging for the last few months, which means that Kurt's sister secretly started dating him when she was fully aware that they were brother and sister the whole time. Sure, they're not related by blood, but they had been raised together since Kurt was "barely an hour old," and it doesn't matter what anyone tries to argue, anyone with siblings knows that's the exact same thing as being related, and totally and utterly gross. Kurt is very religious and didn't know anything about this, so of course he's got to freak out about the fact that he was sleeping with his sister all this time.
Or he could ... celebrate. That's normal.
This isn't Wolverine or Gambit we're talking about here, who have somewhat loose morals when it comes to women. Nightcrawler is the most righteous overly religious character the team's ever had. Maybe mutants really do need to be eliminated from the Earth if this is the kind of low moral guidelines they live their lives by.
And just for the record, other than Colossus' brief look of surprise, no one else has any kind of problem with this at all, even when they both start talking about their mom, making it very clear that they still really think of each other as siblings. Kurt even considers his girlfriend/sister combo as some kind of sick birthday present to himself. But maybe we can give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, he's been banging his sister, but that doesn't mean he's going to keep banging his sister, right? That would probably be going too far, especially for a hardcore Catholic like Kurt. This is going to be a strictly siblinglike relationship from now on.
Never mind. He's totally going to go fuck his sister later.
Be sure to pick up our new book. It's Stan Lee approved. Seriously!
And stop by Linkstorm to see who's quicker in the sack: Superman or Flash.
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