Comic books have been known to do some crazy things to keep readers interested. After all, there's only so many times you can see Superman and Lois Lane make out without getting bored, so sometimes writers will push the envelope a bit. The envelope of sex.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it just makes us feel like putting the comic book face down, leaving the room and taking a shower. Like the time ...
#8. Superman and Batman Cry Over Alien Tentacle Sex
As you probably already know if you've ever taken an Introduction to Comics class, nothing good can come of combining the phrase "tentacle sex" with Batman (it's, like, the first lesson in comics).
Let's do it anyway!
Well, someone skipped that class and made a Batman/Superman/tentacle sex comic and -- be prepared to be shocked -- it had nothing to do with Japanese manga. This happened in the official DC universe.
Don't go celebrating, Japan. The score is still like one to 38 million.
This terribly awkward adventure begins when Superman realizes that he and Batman are both pretty stressed from all that saving-the-world nonsense they do every day, so he invites Batman over for a goddamn sleepover at the Fortress of Solitude to discuss their feelings and have pillow fights and so forth. Batman accepts, because dealing with stressful situations in an emotionally healthy way has always been a trademark of Batman.
We weren't kidding about the whole "discuss their feelings" bit.
Their emotionally naked staring contest is interrupted by a meteor full of aliens, which is a godsend to anyone who didn't want to see Batman and Superman kiss, but total blue balls to that small fringe group that did. The aliens crashed at the Fortress, we learn, because it was currently the most emotionally honest place on the whole planet. In short, Batman and Superman were being so lame that aliens from another planet came just to stop them, and we thank them for it.
At least, we did until it turned out they looked like pineapple dicks.
The tentacle aliens feed off Batman and Superman's emotions like some kind of supercharged Ecstasy and immediately start growing and mating with one another in what will quickly become the epicenter of your darkest nightmares.
Our heroes just kind of stand around, watching the copious amounts of tentacle sex happen and avoiding eye contact with each other for a few minutes, because "watching emotion-snorting tentacles fuck each other" is right at the top of the list of Things That Ruin Sleepovers. And then things get weird. The tentacles, which were already pretty dick-like to begin with, grow their own hairy dicks. It's like someone challenged God's apprentice to invent a new animal using only dicks and fear.
"So we're going to die, but we really appreciate you letting us plow each other all over your house. Cannot believe you did that."
The aliens need to feed on emotions to live, but rather than drain all of the emotions out of Earth, they decide to let themselves die, making this the easiest, yet most psychologically scarring, victory in history. Instead of just saying, "Thanks, we appreciate that," Batman and Superman beg the aliens to live and then, in a moment we'd love to erase from history, they cry and hug each other as the tentacle aliens die, along with a little bit of our souls.
Why do the tears fall outside the mask? Better question: What the fuck?!
#7. Iron Man's Abusive Boyfriend
Tony Stark, billionaire playboy and part-time advanced technology hoarder, has been in a lot of relationships throughout the course of his comic book, dating or nailing every female character who crossed his path. Sure, that's cool and interesting and appropriate for his character and everything, but has he ever had an abusive relationship with a machine? What's that? You never would've thought to ask that question? Oh. Well, someone did.
After being struck by lightning, Tony's armor suddenly becomes sentient due to a combination of badly constructed fail-safes and Y2K, because, sure, who gives a shit, it's a series about a giant robot knight who fights space monsters. Lightning + Y2K = Life. That's fine.
The main problem with this is that the Iron Man armor is one of the most powerful weapons on Earth and is now being controlled by a mind only a few hours old that, oh by the way, also shows signs of being hopelessly in love with Tony. It's like an obsessed Twilight fan following Robert Pattinson around all day in a tank that could fly.
Though there is no truly good way for a machine to be in love with someone, the armor unfortunately doesn't love Tony in a ground-worshipping, "I'll do anything" kind of way, but more in a "mine, mine, MINE!" kind of way. Like all good future abusers, the armor convinces Tony that their being together is a good idea and that they will be able to fight crime more efficiently once Tony is inside him. Tony decides to give it a chance, and they go out together to fight Whiplash. The relationship takes a downward spiral, however, when the armor gets pissed and straight up murders Whiplash against Tony's orders.
It's like Of Mice and Men, if George had built Lennie to be unstoppable.
The armor then proceeds to lock Tony in his own house so they can be alone together and threatens to kill Tony's girlfriend to eliminate any competition for Tony's affection. It is at this point that Tony becomes infinitely grateful that he never built Iron Man an Iron-dick, or he would undoubtedly be getting his ass Iron-raped any minute now.
Seeing how shit has just gotten real, Tony straps on an old version of his Iron Man armor and tries to kill the psychotic version. Things don't go well, as the armor kicks his ass since it feels cheated on by Tony wearing any other armor. No, seriously.
"I'm genuinely asking because I'm still just a baby!"
After destroying Tony's cheating armor, the suit takes the next logical step and kidnaps Tony, takes him to a deserted island, ties him spread-eagle to a tree and tortures him until he admits he loves it back.
After the love torture, the armor again falls into the abusive-partner stereotype by immediately apologizing to Tony and then starts monologuing about its love for him and how it's so hard and confusing and this was all Tony's fault for loving a real-life human girl instead of his hollow, inanimate, demon-spawn armor like the natural order of things clearly mandates.
Really? Being a dick now, Tony?
Things blissfully come to an end when the armor flies off to answer an Avengers distress call, giving Tony time to escape. When the armor returns, Tony tries to fight it and ends up giving himself a heart attack, which is either the worst strategy ever or sheer brilliance, as it actually makes the armor stop trying to kill him.
In fact, the armor is so determined to save him that it rips out its own heart and uses it to fix Tony's somehow, sacrificing itself for love and killing itself in the process and destroying a beautiful relationship that was clearly going somewhere.
Well, at least throughout this whole ordeal we can take comfort in the fact that Tony was as freaked out by this whole thing as us, the readers. Or at least we could have assumed that up until this point, where it seems as though Tony might actually, kind of, sort of love the armor back. Instead of cheering in victory that he's defeated his murdering, abusive robo-stalker, Tony begs the armor to live, tells it he wants to get inside it and desperately tries to fix it.
Maybe Tony was simply suffering from Stockholm syndrome after days of captivity and torture, but we can't help but think that this is really just terrifying insight into Tony Stark's true mind and that the reason he's never settled down is the fact that he's never dated a girl who can, and will, kick the shit out of him on a daily basis.
#6. Jean Grey Makes Cyclops and Emma Frost Make Out ... On Her Grave
Ever since the character Emma Frost was introduced into X-Men, there's been kind of a thing going on between her and Cyclops, despite the fact that Scott and Jean Grey have been married the whole time she's been around. When Jean Grey dies again, as she likes to do every second week or so, her spirit gets catapulted 150 years into future.
The future Jean sees is a grim, post-apocalyptic wasteland, and she discovers that the reason the world fell apart is because Cyclops couldn't man up after her death and get his shit together long enough to lead the team and save the day. (No one was shocked by this revelation.)
"Your huuuusssband is a pussssssy."
Jean is even shown the exact moment that Scott gave up: He turns down a romantic request from Emma a few days after Jean dies (also shocking no one).
Managing not to roll her eyes as she does Cyclops' job for him, she sends a psychic message back through time that she wants him to live and move on without her, which is much nicer than the "No one should have to force you to make out with a hot magic chick" message we probably would have sent.
The message works, and we see Emma and Scott start making out, just a few days after Jean's death, in the middle of a graveyard ... standing on Jean's grave!
Now it's not made clear just how specific this message was, so the only theories we have about the whole thing are that Scott was mind-controlled into the kiss and Emma was simply OK with getting down and dirty while surrounded by the dead bodies of people she knows, or that Jean found the afterlife a little boring and wanted a show for herself and the other ghosts hanging around watching and perpetrated the whole thing.
A third theory is that Emma dressed like this:
We don't care how much you love your dead wife: A high-class snow harlot in the middle of a cemetery trumps true love and psychic future magic any day of the week.
#5. Wolverine Tries to Bang a Teenage Mary Jane
This story is set in Marvel's Ultimates Universe, which involves gritty reboots of all the original characters. Since original Wolverine is already basically a gritty reboot of the concept of grittiness, he is basically the exact same character. Peter Parker's major change is that even though he is called Spider-Man, he is actually only 15-years old. This is important information, as the story opens up with Wolverine and Peter waking up in each other's bodies.
While Peter starts freaking out about getting back into his body, Wolverine agrees to go to school so Peter doesn't get expelled and takes this as a chance to ogle teenage girls as much as humanly possible. Even though he's in Peter's body, we mentioned that Wolverine's still mega old, right? And these are high school girls? Good.
Well, the whole cheerleader gawking thing is soon forgotten for something much, much worse as Wolverine finds out that Mary Jane is his girlfriend -- and he is stoked about it. Now in the normal Marvel universe this wouldn't be a big deal, but in the Ultimates universe, Mary Jane is 15-fucking-years old! Making the fact that Wolverine is not just OK with, but excited about, making out with her extremely creepy and disturbing and illegal.
Wolverine is in your body, molesting your teenage girlfriend. And he's one of the good guys.
After some horribly bad hijinks, such as Peter continually impaling himself on Wolverine's claws, it's revealed that they got stuck in each other's bodies because Wolverine is in a perpetual state of not being able to keep it in his pants around teenagers. Jean Grey, who is also a teenager in this universe, switched their minds as payback when Wolverine wouldn't stop hitting on her.
With classic story lines like this, we have to wonder why they ever canceled the Ultimates universe.
Finally back in his own body, Peter returns home and apologizes to Mary Jane for acting weird and badass all day. Oh, and then he learns that Wolverine didn't just make out with Mary Jane -- he tried to full-on tap that ass.