6 Ways the Cracked Book Makes Your Xmas Gifts Look Like Shit

#3. New Apple iPods

With the iPhone becoming available on Verizon Networks in February of 2011, millions of people will be rewarded for patiently waiting out the AT&T stalemate. But not you. How could you justify purchasing one now that you have a digital camera and an iPod. You're a calculator and some masking tape away from having just enough to not be able to justify purchasing one.

2011: The iPhone comes to a carrier that isn't pure terrible.

What Can I Get For This Piece of Shit?

The iPhone will not come preloaded with Cracked.com's new book, You Might Be a Zombie.

#2. Favorite Accessories

ILoveIndia.com informs us that "This is especially for people who spend a lot of time with different things." As a for-example, they suggest that if your friend spends a lot of time on his laptop, "buy him something for his laptop and see his face light up. If he plays guitar, get him something related to that, even if it means buying that exotic pick! After all, this was something which he always wished for, isn't it?"

Pick, not tick. Although Lyme disease IS the gift that keeps on giving.

This line of reasoning perfectly encapsulates the No. 1 cause of terrible gift giving. See, we all fool ourselves into believing that other people, particularly our loved ones, give us a great deal of thought. "Hey, they knew I was graduating, they must have been paying attention to my scholastic career!"

Getting a "favorite accessory" for Christmas brings into sharp focus the fact that when you're not around, you are "Jim's kid who went to school back in the 80s, and therefore probably needs a protractor," or "Jane's kid with the feet, who probably needs shoelaces," or "the one who was into sharks as a kid and probably wants a copy of Jaws 4 on VHS even though he's 32 now."

What Can I Get For This Piece of Shit?

Nothing, unfortunately.

#1. Gift Certificate

Every gift card has the same subtext: "Here's some money that you can only spend in one place that you might like to shop. Maybe not. Can I go now?"

"You mean less to me than time, but slightly more than nothing."

Once "ILoveIndia.com" claimed that this is the most "personalized option" in the opening sentence of their entry, we couldn't shake the feeling that this entire section is meant to be read sarcastically. And really, it's the only way their advice at the end to "just go and grab them before they run out of it!" makes any sense. Gift certificates don't run out. They are the gift that you give someone when the store is out of literally everything else. The giver of a gift certificate either hates you, or they are Christmas shopping in post-Katrina New Orleans and the looters have already made off with anything that could possibly be mistaken as useful. They exchanged money for something less useful than money so that they could cross you off their list on a gift-giving technicality. They're hoping this counts as a gift because the word gift is in the name.

"I love you! Probably!"

At least your great aunt who bought you a telescope because you're going for your Ph.D. in molecular biology took a whack at it. The gift card giver is so vaguely aware of you, that they were only willing to guess at what genre of person you are. If they tried to describe you to a police sketch artist, they'd be arrested for wasting his time.

The recipients of gift cards are so thrilled with their gifts that at least 10 percent are never even used. That comes out to $8 billion donated to retailers so that assholes can get out of their duties as a member of society. Gift certificates are to actual gifts what bad hand jobs are to sex: You can insist that it counts all you want, but when it comes down to it, 99 percent of the people in the world would rather have the cash instead.

You can't buy drugs with a gift card. Unless you live in California.

What Can I Get For This Piece of Shit?

Wait, we just thought of something. Open your wallet. Did you get a gift card from any one of the nation's leading book sellers? Holy shit! It's a Christmas miracle! Just as on this year 2,010 years ago, a little baby was born in a manger who would come to lead us all to salvation or get almost as famous as Elvis (depending on your belief system). Sometimes great things can come out of bad circumstances. With the $8 billion that is squandered by underwhelmed gift card receivers, we could buy enough You Might Be a Zombie books to build a scale replica of the entire African continent over the continent of Africa. And isn't that what Christmas is all about in the end?

Go buy 365 copies of , and give the gift of everlasting joy to the people who deserve it the most: The Editors of Cracked.com.

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