#2. Jesus Christ: Snake Exploder
By now Jesus is dominating Nazareth like Lord Humungus dominates The Road Warrior's wasteland. The local children feared him so intensely that they adopted him as their king and acted as his bodyguards -- forcing everyone who passed through town to come and worship him. One day a group of men came by carrying a small child, and they refused to follow a group of terrified children just for the honor of worshipping their bully king. Jesus catches wind of this and asks exactly what it is they're doing that's so important they can't reserve some time for random child worship. They explain that the boy they're carrying was bitten by a snake and is near death, and would he terribly mind taking his boot off their necks, because they're so, so sorry? Jesus Christ (more sci-fi warlord than beacon of forgiveness in this version of the Bible), says simply, "Let us go and kill that serpent," and storms off into the woods to do what he does best: extravagant murder.
Snakes ain't nothing but a thing.
Then the Lord Jesus calling the serpent, it presently came forth and submitted to him; to whom he said, "Go and suck out all the poison which thou hast infused into that boy"; so the serpent crept to the boy, and took away all its poison again. Then the Lord Jesus cursed the serpent so that it immediately burst asunder, and died.
-- First Gospel of Infancy 18:13-16
Even after it acquiesces to Jesus' demands, the snake is still blown to crap by the power of God for doing what's in its nature? Holy shit!
You should see what he did when the donkey crapped on his carpet.
#1. And Then Jesus Said Unto Them: Snitches Get Stitches
By now the parents of Nazareth were understandably upset: Jesus was walking around town ruining little kids like a bad divorce. So they gave Joseph an ultimatum: Either Jesus learns to use his powers for good, or the family has to leave town. Considering that, by this point, Jesus has killed more kids than a Willy Wonka tour group, that sounded pretty reasonable. But Christ ain't tolerating no narcs up in yore:
Jesus said, "I know that these thy words are not thine: nevertheless for thy sake I will hold my peace: but they shall bear their punishment." And straightway they that accused him were smitten with blindness.
-- Infancy Gospel of Thomas 5:1
At some point, he reversed his stance on blindness.
And that was the last straw: Joseph finally decided to discipline his son. But what do you do in response to a list of crimes more befitting a Grand Theft Auto sequel than a holy child? Grounding? Caning? Imprisonment?
None of the above.
Joseph "grabbed [Jesus'] ear" and "wrung it til it was sore." You may laugh, but in the end Jesus does end up uncursing everybody; just not out of some well-deserved sense of remorse or the slightest hint of empathy or anything. Eventually, a local teacher starts frantically screaming to everybody that Jesus Christ is probably God, after a Good Will Hunting-style display of intelligence at his Nazareth grade school. (Funny, you'd think the boy's ability to kill with words would have clued everyone in sooner.)
So now that the secret's out (the kid laying siege to entire countries with his superpowers is-- surprise -- extraordinary), Jesus figures he may as well reverse all the death and destruction because, hey, once you get your propers, there's just no reason to blast them bitches no more.
We guess they just give halos out to anyone these days.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be that Jesus Christ wasn't born the Gandhi-like paragon of peace you know him as. He's more like a reformed con: sick of the game because he lived it too hard for too long.
If there are two things that you take away from this, let the second be that the power of Christ is terrifying. Sure, miracles like bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that's just because the church decided that the part where Jesus became the snake-melting dragonmaster was a little too terrifying for your delicate sensibilities. You straight up can't handle that much Jesus.
We haven't even gotten into his vampire days.
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