The 6 Most Pointless Supervillain Schemes Ever Hatched

Most supervillain schemes are pretty stupid, when you think about it: Lex Luthor wanted to get rich with a ridiculous real estate scam in the first Superman movie, and that's considered a classic. Again: a real estate scam. YOU HAVE MISSILES, DUDE!

Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. As usual, you have to go to the source material to find the most idiotic, pointless or bizarre examples, such as ...

#6. Getting Batman Married

There are lots of reasons why criminals should be afraid of Batman: He's trained in martial arts, he's a genius detective and he's dressed like a giant bat. But one night a gang of ruthless criminals comes up with a plan to get Batman out of their way permanently: finding him a wife.

Women: Way more dangerous and effective than bullets to the face.

The reasoning here seems to be that if Batman got married, he wouldn't spend so much time patrolling the city -- he'd probably be, like, watching Grey's Anatomy every night. Thus the villains spend $1 million on a "Batman for Marriage" ad campaign designed by "the most brilliant minds" in advertising -- all apparently big fans of the flier-drop method of demographic targeting.

Make him look homicidally angry, just like women want.

Batman and Robin are inundated by women desperate to get in their underpants. Dozens of attractive girls keep showing up at dangerous, back-alley crime scenes seeking to get a man who dresses like a bat to marry them. Because the fliers told them to. Needless to say, Robin handles this poorly ...

"Just as I was about to continue not being groped by hot women!"

With Batman busy warding off the hordes of easily misled women, the crooks are able to carry out their planned crime spree ... stealing fur coats. Sure, they could have robbed every bank in Gotham City, but they decided that the real money was in fur (as opposed to being in actual real money).

Next, it's time for phase two of their plan: Bring out their conspicuously good-looking female henchman. The idea is that when she "saves" Batman by beating the shit out of the women who want to jump on his boner, he will fall hopelessly in love with her. Of course, the flaw in this plan should be obvious. No, not the idea that a crime fighter will be attracted to someone who just physically assaulted a crowd of innocent women ...

The flaw is that there's obviously no such a thing as a woman who won't be swayed by the fliers telling her to love Batman. When her soft brain falls in love with the Caped Crusader, she ends up giving up the location of the stolen fur coats and the rest of the gang.

Have we mentioned he's dressed like a bat?

#5. Becoming Spider-Man's Uncle

Most supervillains wouldn't sleep with a superhero's 80-year-old aunt as part of an evil scheme. Most supervillains aren't Doctor Octopus. When Doc Ock began dating Peter Parker's elderly Aunt May, we learn that the vaunted "Spidey sense" has a conspicuous blind spot for hideously deformed murdering psychopaths boning your loved ones. This exchange illustrates the full extent of Peter's efforts to get her to reconsider her decision:

For the record, she had to call him.

But one day he comes across a disturbing envelope that reveals Doctor Octopus' real intentions:

"Or at least before it ends up on YouPorn!"

Having learned the horrible truth, Peter rushes out to Doctor Octopus' house but arrives just in time to witness the following scene:


Turns out Aunt May was about to come into a large inheritance but had no idea, maybe because you typically inherit stuff from older relatives and in her case that's impossible. Doc Ock decided the best way to get a piece of this action was to marry Aunt May instead of just stealing the inheritance, because -- gangster with metal arms or not -- the man has morals. Also, he kills everyone else who knows about the inheritance.

What did Aunt May inherit that Doc Ock wanted so badly? Why, a fully functional nuclear plant!

Don't pretend you weren't pissed when your grandpa left you this instead of the car.

Of course, it's fully functional and completely abandoned, so we're not sure why Doc Ock went through so much trouble to legally own half of it. Also, marrying someone doesn't automatically mean you get all her stuff.

Somehow, the brilliant plan fails to get off the ground when another ridiculous Spider-Man villain called Hammerhead learns about the inheritance. He crashes the wedding and tries to kidnap Aunt May, an approach that probably seemed puzzling to Doc Ock, since it didn't involve kissing, marrying and possibly having sex with an 80-year-old woman.

Make that "definitely having sex with an 80-year-old possibly woman."

Spider-Man ends up kidnapping Aunt May himself and hauling her unconscious body back to New York while Hammerhead and Doc Ock get blown up in a nuclear explosion that probably wiped out half of Canada.

It took five years for the rest of the world to notice.

With the nuclear plant, Hammerhead, Doc Ock and Celine Dion finally destroyed, Spider-Man heads home and, much like the rest of us, desperately tries not to imagine what would have happened on the honeymoon.

#4. Defeat Superman by ... Bringing Back the Beard

During a Daily Planet investigation Jimmy Olsen -- Superman's young friend and the single most useless superhero sidekick ever -- attempts to infiltrate the secretive Beard Band, which should be easy enough given that the only criterion for membership is having a beard. But instead of just not shaving for a couple of days, Jimmy tries to gain access by using a fake beard, which unfortunately fails to pass the group's complicated verification process.

Jimmy is about to give up and go home when a guy on the street conveniently offers him a potion that will grow him a beard immediately. Not one to question street peddlers, Jimmy buys and drinks the potion on the spot, and oddly enough doesn't wake up from a drugged stupor two days later with his pants around his ankles and the back of his neck itching from whisker burn.

That'd be stupid even if that wasn't clearly the same guy who just
bounced him from the evil organization he's trying to infiltrate.

Now that Jimmy's got a real beard, he's finally allowed into the club ...

"I wonder if it has anything to do with beards..."

... allowing him to witness a meeting presided over by the same bearded guy he's now witnessed working the door and selling beard tonic on the nearest corner. Jimmy finds out the shocking reason the Beard Band really exists: They are deviously trying to bring beards back into fashion.


That's their whole plan. They don't want fame, fortune or anything like that: They simply want respect for the beard. Sounds almost admirable, if it wasn't for their questionable methods. The Beard Band extorts Jimmy into becoming their new spokesman by revealing that unless they give him the antidote to the tonic he drank, his beard will continue growing forever unless he keeps shaving it -- a cruel and unusual curse no man has ever had to endure every morning since the beginning of time.

Lies and extortion are OK, but keeping that money would be dishonest.

Despite being a huge assclown, Jimmy is supposed to "lend prestige to their cause" by making a string of public appearances sporting his dashing new beard. This goes about as well as you'd expect.

That's when shit gets real: The Beard Band step up their game by deciding to poison the water supply with their beard tonic, so that everyone in Metropolis will grow facial hair. Fortunately, Jimmy manages to save Superman from getting involved in the most ridiculous story line ever by dropping his beard into the beard tonic, thus canceling its effect and tragically negating the beards of everyone in the Beard Band.

If you're wondering why Jimmy's "dissolving beard" causes the chemicals in the tonic to change, well, that's just the sort of question the Beard Band would want you to distract yourself with. It's recommended that you stop shaving your face for a few days. If a beard grows there, you should immediately turn yourself in to the proper authorities, because the Beard Band has already won!

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