DANCE, PUPPETS! DANCE FOR THE CLAUS, OR BE SLOWLY ASPHYXIATED OVER A SPAN OF DECADES BETWEEN FAT ROLLS THE SIZE OF MOUNTAINS!
"Hey guys, time for the annual Christmas lynch mob!"
"Who we gonna git these year, Bob? The Jews?"
"Nah, we got the Jews last year."
"Well, I'll you what's been pissing me off lately, Jim, and this -- this is gonna sound a little weird, but honestly? I cannot stand that fucking miller and his bullshit water wheel."
"Hell, as long as I get to watch somebody's legs kick -- I call it a Christmas well done. Let's go!"
Disturbing Christmas ads are not just a thing of the past: This one was released just this last year, depicting an unknown male, possibly a father/ brother/ sexual predator-who-broke-into-the-house-and-murdered-the-parents-in-their-bed, watching a child gleefully sort through the presents, still blissfully unaware of what's about to happen to him. This ad company was asked to portray childhood innocence, and it chose to do so by depicting the very last moment a young boy knew it.
Well, even tombstone companies need to advertise, right? It's a little odd that they'd do so on Christmas, but maybe it just shows forward thinking on their part. Not that disturbing.
But really pay attention to that wording: "Beat the Christmas Holiday Rush."
Because they get so busy, you see, with all the suicides around Christmas, that there might not even be a marker left when you go to bury your loved ones, and they will go to their eternal rest forgotten, in unmarked graves.
But then, if your loved one's Christmas list consists of "a tombstone," that should probably be treated as a cry for help rather than a prompt for retail.
"Wow, an Atkins Jr. 65! Thanks, Mom! Now I can go cut that fucking cow's head off!"
Rather than include a tree, a branch or a plank of wood to illustrate the kinds of things an Atkins saw can be used to cut, E.C. Atkins and Co. opted to put two cows on its ad instead. Because seriously -- if you have the kind of kid who asks for a saw for Christmas, he is absolutely going to use it to kill animals. You don't have time for pretense, and you want your little monster to have the best, don't you?
The worst part about this isn't Santa's suicide -- that was clearly an established tradition back in the good ol' days. No, it's the loving attention to detail with which they've rendered it. Santa probably has a rifle, you know, for bear attacks, but it's not likely he's got a pistol. And if you're going to shoot yourself in the face with a rifle, that's a little awkward: You'd have to take your boot off and pull the trigger with your toe.
That floppy boot lying on the ground beside Santa is the most heartrending icon of suicide ever depicted. That's the kind of detail that you just don't make up out of nowhere. Some artist had this fantasy over and over, finally re-enacting it on paper to sell to a dress shirt company because he had to pay the heating bill and just didn't care about life anymore.
For more bastardizations of St. Nick, check out The 6 Most Horrific Ways Pop Culture Has Misused Santa Claus. Or if you're looking for gifts that are guaranteed to make people hate you, check out 5 Awesomely Bad Christmas Gifts.
And stop by Linkstorm to see how the Internet has done Santa right. (By right, we mean "horrifically wrong.")
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