CRACKED ROUND-UP: Peppermint Schnapps Edition
The nice thing about peppermint schnapps is the alcohol in it is nearly undetectable when mixed with hot chocolate. The not-so-nice thing about peppermint schnapps is the way it smells mixed with chocolate and puke in the backseat of some prostitute's volkswagon. Oh well. It's seasonal!
This week Soren managed to find some people even more horrifying than Cracked staffers: rich pet owners. Chris Bucholz interfaced with his Xbox and learned some terrifying lessons about the nature of sentience. Brockway answered our childhood questions by showing what happens when the characters from Street Fighter 2 get blitzed. Seanbaby closed us off with ten comedy performances that could never be recast. No, Gene Wilder isn't in there. It's assumed.
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STEALTH BADASSES
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 There's so much sex appeal on this list it'll make your head spin. Also, Arnold.
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Notable Comment: "Jimmy Stewart, Tyrone Power, and Clark Gable all enlisted in the Army Air Corps in WWII. You see any "stars" enlisting to fight in Afghanistan?"
SRPinPGH, do you really want to risk the lives of our soldiers by sending them into battle with Jude Law, Johnny Knoxville and Courtney Love?
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HEAD-FUCK
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 You will never look at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the same way again.
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Notable Comment:"One thing this doesn't point out (I suppose cuz it isn't really important to the article) is that Splinter's origin is very different in the original comics. He was not a human ninja master mutated into a rat. He was the pet rat of that ninja master, who learned ninja stuff from watching the master. The master was then killed, and the pet rat was later mutated into Splinter. In the comic, he is seeking revenge for the death of his master."
Thanks, eshuster, for further confirmation that our childhoods were built on lies.
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WHAT THE HELL
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 So yeah, nothing works right and pretty much every organization that can impact your life cares more about money than human life. Enjoy!
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Notable Comment:"My GOD that SnorgTees woman... Waitaminute, what were we talking about again? Amputations or something? Yeah, that's fine..."
Simmer down, spiderjerusalem, all the Snorg girls are actually highly advanced cybernetic kill-bots, operated by the government. They lease them out as T-Shirt models to help with the deficit.
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FUTURE-WAR
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 The battlefield of the future will be almost as terrible and bewildering as the whorehouse of the future.
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Notable Comment: "You can tell my generation got their foot in the military. We're making our childhood memories come true. The Kitty-shot is from the Last Boy Scout. The Transformer is from M.A.S.K. And the human torpedo is from "Metal Gear Solid". I'm just gonna sit back and wait for the Marines to start using gunblades, now."
If Pelcurus is right, that blob thing may all be part of an insidious plot designed by Katamari Damacy fans at DARPA.
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BRAIN DRAIN
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 Don't worry guys, we're sure scientists won't be saying the exact same things about Internet use in a few years.
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Notable Comment: "I watch all of my shows on the internet now, so I should be safe. :P"
Kytan gets it!
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Agents of Cracked
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 Check out the original, with less honest subtitles.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Sequels We'll Never Get to See
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12.09.10:
No one is above the law.
by bigkahuna71
Editor's pick:
"Look, chief. We told you we needed an eye in the sky. You told us we aren't funded for a helicopter. So here we are."
by Julius_Goat
12.08.10:
Cars, tired of birds shitting on them, exact a horrible, horrible revenge.
by bcanders
Editor's pick:
The Peacock's only known predator, the Hatch-backed Jalopy, patiently stalks its prey.
by notaserf
12.07.10:
Aquaman's indiscretions with jellyfish were becoming harder to ignore.
by Versus
Editor's pick:
""Hey Bill, these are for the Gaga concert." - "Props?" - "No, relatives.""
by zero82
12.06.10:
I didn't know Jay Leno had relatives at Pompeii!
by BowToTheBard
Editor's pick:
In some countries, Santa is just plain fucking horrifying
by Ceveron
12.05.10:
It's uncanny. Just when I thought cracked has nothing to offer but dick jokes, it proves me wrong by including pictures of great architectural accomplishments.
by Acalyris
Editor's pick:
What do you give a Statue of Liberty who has everything?
by MARCS
12.04.10:
Just keep telling yourself its only until you graduate from Obedience school.
by Bunnyraper
Editor's pick:
That's 91 dollars in dog money.
by 2cool
12.03.10:
They're all just watching to see what happens when it gets to his knuckles.
by Zombiecross
Editor's pick:
With a grunt and a mighty cartwheel, the stranger rolled out of town and was never seen again, though he lives in our hearts still.
by bcanders
