#3. Rick Salomon
Rick Salomon's name probably sounds vaguely familiar. He's the guy who spent "1 Night in Paris" and "8 Weekends at the Doctor Fighting a New Strain of Gonorrhea Previously Unknown to Science." He also managed to marry two different Hollywood starlets, and plow the Vaginoplastied fields of countless more. So who the hell is this guy? A millionaire business owner? Some obscure European royalty? Leader of a drug cartel?
Or just some skeevy bro in a crappy t-shirt?
Rick Salomon is a poker player. He runs a gambling website. That's seriously it: Those are the credentials that make him starlet Spanish Fly.
In 2002 he married Shannen Doherty, who had just finished her run on Beverly Hills 90210 and was currently starring in the show Charmed, and as funny and kind of sad as that career path seems now, it was a big deal back then; the whole world thought her star was on the rise. And she chose to wed Salomon, whose career path involved "being really into card games."
A charmer, he is.
You'd think that the hard part of marrying a busy and successful actress might be getting to spend time with her, but not Salomon. He decided that if Doherty wanted to be graced with his presence, she was going to have to come to him in Vegas ... and maybe he'd throw her a pity-quickie in between hands if she was extra good and stayed quiet.
Salomon's vest there may be the single least tasteful article of clothing we've ever seen. And Brockway works here.
They spent so little time together that, when the marriage turned sour 9 months later, Doherty was granted not just a divorce, but a full annulment. The difference being that a divorce is the acknowledgment that a marriage just didn't work out, and an annulment is the court's way of stating that it never existed. The match between Salomon and Doherty was so bad that the legal system had to treat it like the Harry Potter world treats Lord Voldemort.
But having his last relationship end so terribly that it had to be erased from the annals of history did nothing to deter Salomon. He bounced right back and somehow managed to marry Pamela "Baywatch" Anderson five years later. Salomon actually spent time with his wife this time around...largely because he wanted to hijack the reality show she was set to star in. The plan was for the show to revolve around Anderson's job working in a Las Vegas Magic Show, but Salomon wanted it to focus entirely on their relationship, and on his gambling career. His logic being that people were more interested in seeing what hands Rick "Scum" Salomon will ante up for, than wanted to see Pamela Anderson's breasts transform into a tiger live on stage.
Seriously, this guy is the worst. We don't even have a joke here. Fuck Rick Salomon and his fat, ugly tongue.
He was such a persistent ass about hijacking her show that the entire production was sunk, no show was ever made, and two months later, Anderson filed for divorce. Guess what happened next? That's right: Annulled again. Anderson cited fraud as the reason for annulment on her paperwork, and the court granted it. We're not entirely sure what Salomon is up to now -- in part because we don't want to pay any more attention to this human bacterial infection than this article requires -- and in part because, after being erased from the legal system so many times, it's highly possible that Rick Salomon no longer technically exists.
#2. Andrew Robinson Stoney and Mary Eleanor Bowes
After inheriting her father's coal mining business in 1760, Mary Eleanor Bowes became the wealthiest woman in Britain, and a sought-after wife for 18th-century gold digging he-whores the world over. To top it all off, her first marriage was to an Earl who died after a few short years, meaning Mary's stock value actually benefitted from the partnership. She was still young, filthy rich, and now a member of the nobility to boot. In short: She was the holy grail for dudes with nice cheekbones who aren't good at working.
Her gigantic head was the talk of the Isles.
By comparison, her future husband, Andrew Robinson Stoney, was just a simple lieutenant in the Navy. He had no money, and no high-society title to speak of. Well, not unless "Earl of Dick Moves" counts. See, Stoney wasn't content with his station in life, so he came up with the most elaborate love scheme since the Parent Trap. The most amazing thing about it? It actually worked. When a series of mysterious letters appeared in the local paper scandalizing Mary, Stoney immediately stepped in and challenged the editor of the newspaper to a duel for her honor. He lost, badly, seemingly because sometimes karma actually works. Mary saw that he was mortally wounded, and found herself equal parts astonished, guilty, and impressed. When Stoney asked her to marry him as his dying wish, she figured it was the least she could do, to grant a final request to the man that died for her.
Above: What women really want.
But Stoney was less 'mortally wounded' and more 'covered in fake blood': The entire thing had been a set up to trick Mary, and it worked. When Stoney miraculously didn't die after the ceremony, but instead started doing victory laps around the altar while ironically screaming the lyrics to Kanye West's "Gold Digger," the jig was up. Fortunately, Mary ain't no punk, and so had hollered "we want pre-nup" before the marriage. Unfortunately, this was 1777, which meant that the courts just laughed at how cute it was that a woman thought the law applied to her. Look, she thinks she's people - aww!
Stoney easily got the pre-nup overturned and went on a shopping spree, burning through Mary's money like he was afraid the very concept of injustice was going to come to life and kick him in the balls at any minute. But he couldn't have Mary trying any of this pre-nup business again, so he locked her up in their house and kept her prisoner, only letting her leave under guard. During the time she was imprisoned, Stoney managed to essentially bankrupt the pair of them, fathered half a dozen illegitimate children on different women, and possibly reached through the mists of time to high-five Hitler for a job well done.
Pausing briefly to step on some kittens.
Mary eventually escaped, ran to the courthouse, and ordered up a Supersize Divorce with a side of Extra Divorce, to go. Even though it was nearly impossible for the courts to grant a woman a divorce in the 1780's, Stoney was worried about her case. So did he turn over a new leaf, beg for her forgiveness and try to rekindle that old spark they had when he faked his own death to trick her into marrying him?
Nope: Andrew Stoney believes there is no problem on this Earth that can't be solved with a good ol' fashioned kidnapping. So he did just that. Again.
Kidnapping is like duct tape for relationships.
He abducted Mary and carried her around all night on horseback, in her houseclothes, so the cold could get to her. He threatened death if she didn't withdraw the divorce, but Mary refused and was rescued the next day. She was granted her divorce soon after, and Stoney was arrested and found guilty of kidnapping, imprisonment and assault. He died in prison in 1810. We here at Cracked would've assumed he was faking it again to trick his cellmate, Rodrigo the Raper, into marrying him -- but the prison buried him. We doubt even Stoney was committed enough to a con to be buried alive.
#1. Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook
Christie Brinkley is one of, if not the most successful supermodel of all time. She's currently valued at around $60 million thanks to smart investing. Since 'supermodel looks' and 'ludicrously rich' are our only qualifications for potential mates (hell, we don't even specify gender,) we'd say she's pretty much as perfect as a human being can be. Her ex-husband, Peter Cook, however, was less impressed.
Maybe because she has Crazy Eyes.
Cook was a regular, run of the mill architect when Brinkley met him, and they married in 1996. Sure, successful architects can do pretty well for themselves, but Brinkley was making millions a year, appearing in dozens of fashion commercials, modeling for red carpet events and working out with Chuck Norris right before he became the punchline to his own joke -- by any rights she was out of his league. But instead of worshipping the ground she walked on, Cook was inordinately upset about being overshadowed by his superstar wife.
"W-why is everybody paying attention to HER? I can draw really, really straight lines!"
Cook started clambering for attention and acknowledgement from Brinkley for all the work he was putting into their family. Apparently he didn't get it: Fed up with his ungrateful, rich, supermodel, humanitarian wife not praising him for doing the dishes that one time the maid got sick, 49-year old Cook went off and had an affair with his 18-year old assistant. Cook originally denied the relationship, so Brinkley demanded his computer passwords to check out his stories. For the same reason you let cops search your car when you know you have weed under the seat, Cook gave his wife the information. She logged on to discover that not only was he cheating on her, but had also secretly been spending $3,000 a month on internet porn.
At that point, a couple of Russian brides become the more cost-effective option.
Forgive us the tangent, but we really need to stop and ask something now: How do you even do that?! You can't even buy Vaseline online without getting a free, month-long trial membership to every horrible fetish site in existence. It is physically impossible to spend that much on masturbation. The only explanation we can think of is that there must be some higher-level of rich people porn where all bodily fluids are replaced with diamond dust and Crystal.
Anyway, as one can imagine, the marriage ended pretty soon after that. Aside from the extravagant pornography and barely legal infidelity, Brinkley's case was helped along by a court-appointed psychiatrist who testified that Cook was "a narcissistic, self-destructive man."
The "and a total asshat, too" was merely implied.