Obvious things, like wearing red. I mean, that's so logical I hardly need to explain it, but basically what they did there in that study was show pictures of men to 288 women, Photoshopping some of the men's outfits to red. When women saw the guys in red, they rated them higher in terms of power and sexiness, but not in likability, kindness, or social skills, because who cares about that. Tying red to power and success even crosses cultures, having that meaning in places as diverse as China, Japan, Africa, and ancient Rome.

How is that any different from men, you might ask, since we all know that men are also attracted to women in red? Well, in that study, seeing a woman in red caused men to ask the women sexier questions (or plan to ask them -- the researchers made sure to keep the test subjects well away from the women), which implies they find her more attractive, or more receptive, or both. But not more powerful.

"Powerful" isn't the word I would use here.

One popular study that might be confusing here is one that showed that while women say they value earning power and ambition over looks, their actions indicate all those factors are about equally important, with a slight edge to looks (but more on that in a moment). So one set of scientists has to be a pack of liars, right?

"Wh-why would you say that?"

Not necessarily.

As the red study shows, there's obviously at least one subconscious visual clue that makes a woman think a man is more powerful, and there's surely more (distinguished salt-and-pepper hair perhaps?). So when a woman is evaluating a man on "looks," she's partially evaluating him for other traits like power and wealth (and personality sometimes, we're not all shallow strumpets), even if she doesn't know it.

As an example, think of male strippers.

Just try not to, now.

Male strippers are nowhere near as popular with girls as female strippers are with the dudes. Women will go there for their bachelorette parties and whenever they want to embarrass a friend, but you'll hardly ever find women making regular trips to the sausage show the way many men visit the titty bar.

Annually, more women go to literal sausage shows than metaphorical ones.

And it's not because all women are deep and only want a guy they can talk about feelings with. It's that a lot of women just don't find male strippers sexy, because they're men in a subservient role, which is basically negative power, and makes the woman feel unsexy herself. Cougars with boytoys are the butts of jokes. Old dudes with bikini models get high fives.

Sure, men also differ in their tastes, but not as broadly as women, who are apparently all over the god damn place. Scientists guess it might have something to do with helping women avoid fighting over men too much. If I like nerds and my friend likes jocks, we get to stay friends. (Until her boyfriend stuffs mine in a locker I guess.)

Or worse.

Another interesting idea from the study is that this might be a reason why women have to worry so much more about body image - because there actually is a "right" set of characteristics that the majority of guys agree on. Conversely, because women are so scattered in what they like physically, there isn't one "right" way for men to look. This is why People Magazine always gets confused and puts people like Vince Vaughn and Ian McShane on its Sexiest Men Alive lists.

There is one exception though...

But wait, before you hit the steroids, they don't want too many muscles either. This study showed women six body types and ask them to rate them in four personality traits.

First, they probably all got lower ratings because most girls are turned off by guys with giant black dots for heads.

But setting that aside, girls considered the "toned" and "built" men attractive and thought the "brawny" man was getting to be a bit too much.

Bad news for Launchpad McQuack.

If you're a sticklike wimp or a flabby Santa, don't worry about never meeting the girl of your dreams though. The ripped guys were rated worst in the "commitment" category, so the ladies only think they're hot for one-night-stand purposes. When they want to really date a guy, you've got just as good a chance as those sandcastle kickers. Try wearing more red though.

You know what else helps?

The term "gold digger" has probably been around longer than people have actually been digging gold out of the ground, so again, it's not a surprise to anyone to say women can be attracted to the rich. Let me make it clear, I am in no way on board with those who say that all bitches be gold diggers. Many shawtys care about a lot more things before wealth. But we're not talking about ladies as a whole, just the shallow ones, and even the majority of us are a little shallow sometimes.

Which is how "The Bachelor" can exist.

That's why we apparently prefer men in nice cars. Women preferred a man photographed in a Bentley to the same man photographed in a battered Ford Fiesta. Men, on the other hand, didn't give a shit what car a woman was driving because they were staring at her chassis if you know what I mean.

These were the only two cars they tested, apparently, which leaves open the question of whether the woman was judging him on wealth or taste. I would be dismayed by a date showing up in a beat-up Euro-car in the same way that I would be dismayed by him showing up in golf pants. I don't care how much they cost. And if she's considering dating him, she's probably imagining getting in the car, which again, is a more disappointing prospect when it seems likely to be full of cheeseburger wrappers than if it appears to have been cleaned by a manservant.

I don't care how much that car cost, I wouldn't get in.

It's not necessarily a wealth question, it's like a woman being given a choice between going to a guy's basement and watching him play Xbox or going for a walk in the park. It's free either way, one is just really lame. They should have compared a minivan to a Civic Si to see how much lameness came into it if the cost was equal.

Chicks always want to get all up in my hot ride but unfortunately I am not gay.

Questionable experimental practices aside, another study shows that women tend to have more orgasms with wealthy men. Note that most of the data for that comes from China, though, where "wealthy" often doesn't mean "able to buy nice cars" but "able to buy A car."

Like the "Chery QQ."

Part of the effect probably comes from the fact you can enjoy sex more when you're not worried about your family starving, but put together with studies done in Germany and the U.S., there seems to be a definite trend showing money is sexy to many women.

I assume the curve flattens out eventually, and women aren't rushing to leave men worth $40 billion to hook up with a guy worth $50 billion. I mean, how many orgasms can one person handle?

Studies say 66% of women do not care very much at all about penis length. Many women even complain about them being too big.

Where something is going is at least as important as how big it is.

Many women do care about penis girth however. Which just seems logical. I mean, unless the lady is very weirdly shaped, extra penis inches longer than the average just kind of goes to waste. Whereas, uh... expansion... within the effective area... would have an impact. So to speak.

But whatever your configuration, your lady is probably fine with it. 85% of ladies are fine with their man's penis size whereas only 55% of their men are happy with it. Which makes it about the reverse situation from a lady complaining about how fat she is and the man constantly having to tell her she looks fine.

And then she doesn't believe you, just like you don't believe her about the penis.

Where do guys get the idea that length is the key, though? According to that article, the boys' locker room (63%) or porn (37%). If you're trying to get a longer penis, you're not trying to please shallow women. You're trying to please shallow men. Think about that.

"Wow, did you see Justin's? You really must."

So yeah, while your average shallow frat boy is ogling boobs and butts, your average shallow strumpet is eyeing guys that wear red, flash some green, work out, and, uh, have wide penises. Don't take notes. Neither group is worth catering to. Don't get me wrong -- we probably all care about that stuff to some degree, but for most of us, it's lower down on our lists.

Normal people care about more important things. Like whether they can cook.

Sold!