Some animals are boring, and that's fine: They're all gathering nuts or looking for mates or marking territory or some stupid shit. Hey, you know, whatever floats your boat, squirrel. We prefer the animals that just straight don't give a fuck: the ones that punch sharks in the dick, ghost-ride somebody else's whip, beer-bong tequila and look you dead in the eye while plowing your girlfriend. Animals like:
It's common knowledge that the mongoose and the snake are mortal enemies. And you'd think that statement is one-sided: On the one hand, you've got the very emblem of evil and sin -- a scaled, wriggling tube of poison, fangs and death. On the other hand you've got what looks like a cross between a rat and Prince Charles.
If they allowed bets on interspecies rivalries, we'd lay our money square on the snake, every time. And we would lose that money, for one very simple reason: because the mongoose isn't fighting snakes for food, or for territory, or for survival -- it's fighting snakes because fuck snakes. That's seriously the reason why: Occasionally you will see a mongoose eating the meat from a defeated snake, but as a general rule, they prefer to avoid it. Yet they still actively seek out and hunt snakes, oftentimes ones larger than themselves. Some species of mongoose have even been known to fight king cobras, a snake so badass it literally eats other, lesser snakes for breakfast. The iconography of the king cobra inundates our culture, and from Commander to Kai, it is always used to intimidate. The hood, the hypnotic weaving, the forked tongue -- every visual aspect of the king cobra screams rotten death and fear.
And then along comes this doofy hillbilly weasel, which proceeds to murder the shit out of the living embodiment of terror just because there's nothing better to do that day.
Aww, aren't they just darling? The tree shrew looks like a real-life anime character, all big, round eyes, adorable little paws and tiny mouth. If that thing spoke, it would have the squeaky voice of a preteen Japanese girl, and it would teach jaded sword-wielding teenagers the importance of nature through its precocious antics.
"Listen! Cocklebur can be fatal if fed to livestock!"
But the pen-tailed tree shrew isn't all cuteness and innocence. It's on this list because it eats only one thing: The fermented nectar from the bertam palm plant of Malaysia. This nectar is naturally fermented inside the plant to have an alcohol content of around 3.8 percent, roughly equivalent to one (cheap) human beer. Now, these shrews aren't the only animals on Earth that drink alcohol -- bats, birds, monkeys and many other creatures drink on occasion -- but we meant it literally when we said they consume only one thing: booze. That is their sole sustenance. They do nothing but get blasted, every hour of every day of every year of their lives. These guys spend an average of two hours a day doing nothing but drinking the bertam liquor, an amount roughly equivalent to about 10 to 12 glasses of wine for a human, all in one sitting.
The Kennedys of the wild.
So yes, it might look like it's about to do a series of tiny cartwheels while singing you a little song about where rainbows come from, but if it did, it would probably vomit on your pants afterward and then take a swing at you for "judging it with your eyes."
This one should come as no surprise to anybody: They didn't name the comic book character after the wolverine because he's often found on the tundra and scent-marks his territory (although it might make for a better comic book if he did). It's because the damn things are vicious. But most of us have never seen an actual wolverine, so that picture up there comes as somewhat of a surprise. Look how cute he is! Then there's this:
And it's like watching a baby unhinge its jaw to swallow a kitten whole; the cuteness all instantly perverts into horror. So you know that the wolverine is somehow associated with berserker rage, and that it can transform from a cuddle machine into a threshing maw of horror in an instant. It's a psychopath, you get that. What you might not be getting, however, is the sheer scale of its madness: That berserker rage is not selective to animals its own size, animals it can realistically take, animals it wants to eat or animals that pose any direct threat to it. No, the wolverine will attack and eat everything from small rodents to arctic foxes to deer, musk ox and even bears.
Wait ... what? The fuck can that thing take on a bear? The sheer size difference makes it impossible.
Are we cheaping out here and counting one-sided fights where bears corner and devour wolverines while the tiny animals haplessly gnaw on the giant predator's ankles? Nope: Wolverines will actively stalk and attack larger predators by hiding on top of rocky outcrops or in trees, then leaping off onto their backs, biting, chewing, mauling and stomping on their spines like a backpack capable of hate.
But don't take our word for it -- witness all the random spite of nature firsthand: