You probably can't remember back this far, but before Twitter, celebrities were for the most part like demigods -- infallible, brilliant, perfect in every way. Of course, we saw the occasional coke-fueled meltdown, but otherwise everything a celebrity said was carefully filtered through a publicist or a softball nonquestion from Mary Hart.
Twitter changed the game. For the first time in the history of ever, we have a one-way ferry boat ride into the inner thoughts of living celebrities, as they think them.
Or garble them through a mouthful of baby turtle, as the case may be.
No filters. No minders. No take-backsies. Now, often we find out exactly what we suspected (i.e., that Courtney Love can't spell and needs family counseling). But other times, we find out these people are completely different from their public personae, often in mind-blowing ways.
If, like us, you've been alive for the past 20 years, here's what you know about Mike Tyson:
- Ear Bite
- Face Tattoo
And that about sums it up for the uninformed Tyson observer. Throw in a few boxing matches, along with assault arrests, white tigers and Robin Givens, and the bulk of Tyson lore is covered. Think again.
What His Twitter Feed Taught Us:
Iron Mike is just like the rest of us, provided the rest of us are peaceful vegans who goad our followers into telling us about the good deeds they do for others. This just in: We're not.
And then you have the pics:
These are not the expected words of a guy who once bit half an ear off of one opponent and threatened to eat another opponent's children. Hello, Earth to Mike: Children and ears of heavyweight boxers are not vegetables. It turns out the vegan thing just started in 2009, and although Tyson converted to Islam back in 1994, he's only gotten gung-ho for Allah in the past year and a half.
Also, for a guy who once failed his GED test, he takes more care to spell and punctuate everything properly than anyone else on Twitter. Holy crap, everything we thought we knew is a lie.
To really appreciate the analness that is Martha Stewart, you have to give a good hard gander to her monthly calendar.
She has readers assembling their pumpkin-carving tools 11 days before Halloween. She scheduled "take down decorations" as if that were a thing you have to put on a calendar, as if you'd totally forget there were rotting pumpkins on your porch and magic hags dangling from your ceiling. This is the Martha Stewart that we know. Someone who has made a career out of perfection and attention to detail. Someone who gets pissed when her cameraman accidentally hits a studio member in the face. And to clarify, not pissed because of the accident, but because the audience member had the nerve to gush blood all over the place.
"You know what will get that blood out? Half a cup of get the hell out of my studio."
And we don't mind, because you don't get to build a brand like Martha Stewart Living without being a stickler for detail and perfection, right? Right. And yet ...
What Her Twitter Feed Taught Us:
The Grammar Nazi of the housekeeping world is not a Grammar Nazi of the grammar world.
Wait, what? Can you even decipher that?
OK, so maybe her phone was malfunctioning, or her cat jumped on her keyboard in the course of that one particular tweet.
If so, it happens a lot:
"Yeah, but it's Twitter," you're probably saying, as if this is no big deal. As if all conventions of grammar, punctuation and articulation fly out the window just because it's social media. Bullhonkey. Martha Stewart publishes her own magazine. In print.
Still, like her securities fraud conviction and sexually tense VMA appearance with Busta Rhymes in 1997, Martha's imperfections probably only make her more endearing.
Say what you want about the last living bastion of the grunge/goth fusion of the late 90s, but no one can deny that a) Billy Corgan has written some kickass songs over the years, and b) he also once posed this picture:
... presumably without an off-camera gun in his back forcing him to do so. Jazz hands, bare shoulders and all.
Also, a soul-raping, everlasting gaze.
You see a picture like that and you expect that Corgan is some kind of Gothic vampire, warlocking it up in his haunted Chicago castle, writing lyrics in the blood of his critics, scribbling poetry about black roses and broken pinky swears. What you don't expect is what you find in his Twitter feed.
What His Twitter Feed Taught Us:
Billy Corgan: sports nut, God lover, believer of chemtrails, overall nice guy.
One of those things was not like the others. Sprinkled among the positive energy tweets, winky smiley emoticons and heartwarming notes of gratitude for his fans are a few things you wouldn't expect from Corgan.
First of all, sports. Cub love, Bear love, WrestleMania. Corgan loves wrestling like a stripper loves leopard print (though WWE fans already knew that). Included are frequent shout-outs to Mick Foley and Hulk Hogan.
You start to get this feeling that despite his reputation, Corgan is a "regular folks" kind of guy.
Everyone who is regular folk, step forward. Not so fast, Billy.
Until you see this:
For those not in the know, chemtrails are not your usual rock star cause. You know how aircraft leave those cool streaky trails behind them? Those guys are usually called contrails, or condensation trails, and are composed of water condensing from the exhaust of aircraft. Easy enough. But some conspiracy theorists allege that it's not water condensation at all, but chemicals that the government is purposely and secretly raining down on us. They point to grid-like patterns and the long staying power of the trails as their evidence. Not, you know, science, but anecdotes and observations. Mr. Corgan is one of those theorists.
Aaaaaand then we have this:
Honestly, the man is going to wind up in a bunker in the wilderness with Randy Quaid.