CRACKED ROUND-UP: HALLOWEEN EDITION PLUS A SPECIAL PRIZE!
That's right, a special prize! If you live in Nevada this prize will be especially useful to you, but you folks who just in general like the idea of winning things should pay attention to.
On December 11th, hilarious comedian Aziz Ansari will be performing stand-up at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada and somehow we got our hands on two free tickets. We're not legally allowed to leave the state, so we're just going to give them away. Leave a message in the comments telling us why you deserve the tickets and, if you convince us and/or make us laugh really hard, we'll straight up give them to you, no questions asked. We call it The First Annual We Are Bad At Coming Up With Creative Contests contest. (Hopefully your comment will be slightly more creative.)
This week, Soren Bowie gave us a chilling look at dangerous youthful experimentation with witchcraft and politicians. Bucholz delivered a hard-hitting interview with the founder of Wikileaks, followed by a 10-year-old Brockway's guide to kicking ass. Seanbaby sifted through the the mind-raping horror that is a Blizzcon Q&A, and Dan O'Brien dared to ask unsettling questions about Randy Quaid.
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VERIFIED
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 7 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to be True (Part 4).
Who needs ghost stories when you have terrifying reality?
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Notable Comment:"I got my toes frostbitten one time. A few days later when I pulled my socks off, my toenails came off. Didn't hurt or anything. After a while they grew back. "
We'll never get this image Skata conjured up out of our heads, and now neither will any of you.
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HOLY SHIT
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 The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet
You'll never look at your web browser the same way again.
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Notable Comment:"It is my civic duty to troll jamie masters until her ass explodes it will be the first troll related assplosion in recorded history."
Attention Scary-Mike: Just because you can be an asshole, doesn't mean you have to be an asshole.
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FREAKY FOREIGNERS
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 The 5 Most Baffling Horror Movies From Around the World
People from other countries are crazy.
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Notable Comment: "how the hell can you stay alive for five minutes without laughing yourself to death from your own hilarious awesomness?"
Ketamine, rodvinsky, lots and lots of ketamine.
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DO NOT LIKE
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 The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth (Part 2)
Really, it's surprising MORE people don't build things out of human bones. It's an endlessly renewable resource!
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Notable Comment: "Well, I thought I was quite the little trooper until you brought out the f**king wall of skulls. "
PoorEdgarDerby, we'll pay you twenty dollars if you'll spend a night there.
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JUST WEIRD
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 The 6 Most Strangely Convincing Real-Life Curses
Explain these, MR. SCIENTIST! Except really please don't. Answers aren't very fun.
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Notable Comment: "Just wanted to point out... everyone with every phone number will die. Just to put things in perspective."
Well then Darth_Chimay, it follows logically that refusing to own a phone guarantees immortality.
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Agents of Cracked
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 Proof That Facebook Could Be Waaay Creepier
Beware the Book of Faces.
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YOU YOU YOU!
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 If Horror Movies Were Truly Horrifying
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Plot Twists Famous Movies Should Have Had
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WINNERS! The Craption Contest!
Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.
10.28.10:
Hi. Sports Illustrated? Yeah, no... no I got the swimsuit issue. I was just calling to cancel my subscription.
by Abaddonalpha
Editor's pick:
Trust me: If she asks you if you want her to "make them talk" say "no."
by Diasdiem
10.27.10:
And none of the swans ever fucked with the ugly duckling again.
by bigkahuna71
Editor's pick:
"OK ladies, now remember. Unless you hold up the sticks with hands on them, this won't make any sense."
by Malaclips
10.26.10:
"This one is dedicated to missing Charlene and her heartbroken family. It's called Bloody Doom Blood Massacre..."
by sybo
Editor's pick:
Well, that's one way to get people to pay more attention to Amber Alerts.
by Diasdiem
10.25.10:
This is the kind of crap you get when musicians don't use drugs.
by Abaddonalpha
Editor's pick:
Disproving the theory that all musicians score with the ladies
by bcanders
10.24.10:
Never cut off Poseidon on the interstate!
by Ceveron
Editor's pick:
Michael Bay washes his car...
by bubblebrain
10.23.10:
The moral: If you're blind, you might not want to piss off the person who lays your clothes out for you.
by TACT
Editor's pick:
He's counting the seconds left before the government beats him up.
by Exiasprip
10.22.10:
"Look, all's I'm saying is that if you're gonna argue that Nietzsche's existential identity was...oh, shit, Earl. I knocked the fuckin' pyramid over. My bad."
by jtklove
Editor's pick:
People often forget the true victims of the earthquake in Haiti
by Cchisle90
SMARTESTIDIOT, SHUT THE FU*K UP YOU ASSHOLE! NO ONE FU*KING CARES ABOUT FU*KING AZIZ ANSARI!
ReplyWait, didn't realize he was that guy. Carry on.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS STILL HOLY IN THIS WORLD: WE GET IT, SMARTESTIDIOT, YOU WON THE f*****g TICKETS.
ReplyI love Aziz, but don't give me the tickets. I don't want them. Definitely don't pick me. I'll be very disappointed if you do.
Replydon't worry, they did'nt
I saw Aziz in Addison and that fool need to clean his f**kin ears out! Plus I can't goto Vegas that day anyway cuz I gotta practice my crippin dance.
Replywell, don;t worry! you did not win
Who needs tickets? I plan on sitting painfully motionless in a rocking chair on the 11th. Muttering insults to the smug houseplant, and slowly stroking my nana's cat Colonel Scrambles.
Replygood thing that you did not win
Good for you smartestDUMBASS. And Aziz is just fuckin' horrible.
If you don't let me have the tickets, then smartestidiot wins.
Replytoo late, i won
Give me the tickets and i'll show you my BOOBS :) i need the tickets to shove in my sister's face! Thanks!! :D
Replyshove your boobs in my face and I'll buy you tickets
i won them, too bad
I don't know who the f**k Aziz Ansari is but give me those f**king tickets. I deserve them. Did I mention I'm blind, deaf, suffer from cerebral palsy, and I had my penis cut off in an unfortunate circ*mcision incident in which the Rabbi was supposed to circ*mcise my son but he was drunk so he cut mine off on accident then choked my wife to death with my infant child. If that doesn't get me pity tickets, I don't know what does. Dead puppies
Replyno pity tickets for you, i got the tickets
If I was this Aziz Ansari guy I'd pull the the Vegas gig.
Replywhy the hell would anyone pull a vegas gig after i won the tickets
I kinda hope whoever wins just burns the tickets and sends smartestidiot a video of it
Replyit would be silly of me to send videos to myself
cracked, I never asked for much, but please... pretty please with f**king sugar on top bring back THE WEEK IN DOUCHEBAGGERY!!!!
ReplyYours, Frank
that has nothing to do with the fact I WON THE TICKETS!!!!
there's tickets to something?
Replyyes, and they are for me
Last night, I had a dream.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOf PROPHECY.
There were magical, immortal beings that I was totally buddies with. We hung out in their giant tree fort like more bad-ass versions of elves, because they had claws and got in bloody battles with the Enemy like, all the f**king time. I was only sad because I was never allowed to go see these battles or ever see the Enemy, seeing as I was only a mere mortal.
But one day, my whole awesome world of awesome tree-house dwelling with bloody immortal beings came crashing down.
You see, the war between my buddies and the Enemy was growing. So much so, that it bled over into the world of mortals, and with my help, sparked off World War III. The world of mortals thought it was about the nations of the world at war with terrorism. But I knew the truth.
As it turned out, knowing the truth didn't do s**t, because all the world's nukes went off and everyone died.
Almost everyone.
My immortal buddies managed to save me, and they took me to Antartica, where all the ice and snow were melting to reveal new, beautiful, lush lands.
It was here that they revealed to me that we had won. For within these lands lived beings more terrifying than they, beings they had been trying to protect all this time, and now that everyone else was dead, they could roam the empty Earth, free from persecution.
Ginger kids.
I looked on in horror, watching them ride their bikes in the shade, with the knowledge that I had helped this tragedy come to fruition.
Mighty Cracked, you MUST give me the tickets! For in the land of Las Vegas, on the very night of that show, is where the war begins in our world, and it MUST be stopped!
Because f**k Ginger kids.
uh....
what?
Yep.
i shall destroy the gingers, give me the tickets
GET THE F**K OUT SMARTESTDUMBASS
I don't know that I trust your subjective judgment. After sitting through many a photoshop contest and thinking "Why the hell wasn't # __ higher on the list" and "seriously THAT's number one?" I believe a humor rubric is in order. This is not only for our benefit but also for yours because sometimes I think you get confused about the terms "funnier" and "funniest"
Replyhumor was optional according to the paragraph. you could also convince them that you deserved. i do, because i am dedicated. now give me the tickets
soooo is one person getting both tickets? or are two people getting one? either way there's gonna be LOTS of butt-sex
Replybouncy bouncy buttsex. now give me the tickets
These tickets to Aziz Ansari probably will increase my chances at getting laid with those in my hand. :D Now just to find out if DOB is busy on the 11th...
Replytry to get laid with something else. now give me the tickets
Ok, so little red riding hood is walking through the forest.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesTra la la la la
When she comes across this bunny.
And the bunny rabbit says to her, "Little red riding hood! Don't go any father! If you go any father the big bad wolf will get you! And he'll pull down your little pink panties, and he'll pull up your little pink skirt and he is going to *f**k* your ass!"
But little red riding hood pulls out a 50 cal. and she's just like, "It's ok. I gotta gun!"
So she keeps going.
Tra la la la la la.
And suddenly, there's this deer. And it's like, "Little red riding hood! Don't go any father! If you do, the big bad wolf is up there! And he's going to pull down your little pink panties, pull up your little pink skirt, and he is going to f**k your ass!"
But little red riding hood, she pulls out her 50 cal. and she's like, "It's alright. I got a gun!"
So she keeps going. And lo-and-behold! Out jumps the big bad wolf. And he says, "Little red riding hood. I am going to pull down your little pink panties. Pull up your little red skirt, and I am going to *f**k* your ass."
Little red riding hood pulls out her gun, and she's like, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me like the story says."
Thank-you, thank-you. Long time reader, first time responder and all that bulls**t.
I tell that joke all the time except I always heard that it was "f*ck your little red socks off"...which is adorable but kind of annoying to repeat over and over again until the punchline
I heard it similarly to the way it was posted but saying the panties & skirt are pink seems kinda counterintuitive considering she is Little RED Riding Hood...
@LoloFoSholo
"...which is adorable but kind of annoying to repeat over and over again until the punchline"
...When the f**k is pedophilia EVER adorable?
disturbing pedophilia jokes aside, give me the tickets
I meant little red socks are adorable but I guess a child getting them f*cked off really does kind of take away the cuteness of it all. Is it pedophilia or beastiality? Or both?
it really does not matter, cause I WON MOTHERf**kERS!
In light of being called "troll" (twice), I wish to take this opportunity to congratulate the fine people of CRACKED for their generosity in bestowing free tickets to whichever one of the 3 Nevada resident CRACKED fans they choose.
Replyyeah, it is kinda dumb of them. but give me the tickets
I would dearly love to go see Ansari, but my pet conger eel Winston seems indifferent.
Replydo not make the conger see something he is indifferent towards. give me the tickets
Give me the tickets because I'm not SmartestIdiot.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesthat is not a good reason. give me the tickets because i am
That is also not a good reason though. If you being you makes you good enough, I being myself makes me worthy too. After all, I am not a self-appointed idiot.
yeah, but i worked for them
Look, we don't care that you won, we care that you won and are being a douche about it. Hell, I've never seen you before and I'm responding to year old comments, but I already know that if I see you in the comments section again i'll anger my way through the internet, and kill you through your computer screen.