History is loaded with power-hungry dickweeds who rule over their countries' fearful populations like the Predator in a laser tag match. Oftentimes these people are infamous not just for their cruelty, but also for their bafflingly insane and self-indulgent antics.
Also known as "Papa Doc," Francois Duvalier was President for Life of Haiti until 1971. Among other things, Papa Doc claimed to be the Voodoo spirit of death, Baron Samedi. This kind of hubris is exactly what you want in your elected officials.
Baron Samedi, in terms we all understand.
Well, who are we to mock someone based on his religion? There are probably noncrazy Voodoo practitioners, just like with any other faith. And sure, maybe he made the people recite a bastardized version of the Lord's Prayer with his own name inserted ("Our Doc, who art in the National Palace for life ...), but he's surely not the first dictator to do that.
Sometimes evil looks like a high school principal.
But after a heart attack plunged him into a nine-hour coma in 1959 that left him with massive brain damage, things kind of went downhill. He demanded that his temporary successor, Clement Barbot, be arrested, but when they couldn't find Barbot, Papa Doc's people told him that they believed he had transformed into a large black dog.
Understandably, Papa Doc ordered the deaths of all black dogs, because as we have mentioned, he was fucking insane. Eventually Barbot was caught and executed, and Papa Doc kept his head. You know, for Voodoo.
In 1961, he ordered new elections despite the fact that his "term" wasn't up until 1963. The move completely baffled everybody until the results of the election, which saw Papa Doc win with 100 percent of the votes. Evidently he just wanted to make sure everyone understood that he just didn't give a fuck.
What happened to him?
Papa Doc eventually died in 1971 of natural causes, but not before telling the world that he alone was responsible for John F. Kennedy's assassination by way of a Voodoo curse. He even sent someone to Kennedy's grave to collect the air around it so he could use it in a spell to control Kennedy's soul. By all accounts, Voodoo is kind of awesome.
Was Oswald possessed by a Voodoo demon? Probably.
Niyazov was president of Turkmenistan and later promoted himself to President for Life. He seized power after the breakup of the Soviet Union, filling the vacuum left by Joseph Stalin and Vladimir Lenin. He also looked like Emeril Lagasse.
Niyazov had a penchant for renaming things. He renamed the months of the year, with January named "Turkmenbashi," which means Father of the Turkmen, a name he gave himself. He also changed the names of the days of the week to things like "Young Day" and "Spirituality Day" ("Twinkie Twin Day" was presumably discussed but ultimately not selected). He also changed the word "bread" to "Gurbansoltan" which incidentally was the name of his mother, suggesting that one of his fantasies was to see his mother eaten alive by poor people.
Niyazov outlawed beards on men and makeup on television anchors, and prohibited both chewing tobacco and lip-syncing on Turkmenistan soil. In lieu of tobacco, he suggested that people chew on bones, which he argued would strengthen their teeth. The types of bones and how to obtain them were left to the imagination of the populace.
This Neutrality Arch includes a golden statue of Niyazov that rotates to face the sun. For reals.
He also wrote a book called Ruhnama, which meant "Book of the Soul." Students were required to study it in schools and mosques had to give it equal respect to the Quran or be demolished. Memorization of the book was even required for getting a driver's license. Niyazov told his people that as a result of a pact made between him and Allah, anybody who read his book three times would automatically go to heaven.
If you read it four times, Def Leppard will sing a song at your birthday party.
Then in 2005, Niyazov launched a copy of it into space for aliens to read. This is as good a time as any to mention that Niyazov was illiterate.
Finally, to cement his legacy of batshit lunacy, he ordered that an ice palace be built in the capital of Turkmenistan, which as you may know is a desert country.
What happened to him?
Niyazov's life was marred by assassination attempts that probably surprised nobody but himself. But blessed by the spirits of the Turkmen, he escaped every one of them before dying of cardiac arrest in 2006, which may have been a result of being poisoned, presumably by some 16-year-old Turkman who failed his driver's license exam.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to memorize the kind of book an illiterate man writes?"
A military strongman ruling the Dominican Republic with an iron fist, Rafael Trujillo (or "El Jefe") seized power in 1930 through a rigged election in which he gave himself more votes than voters, because why not?
"I'll take a chest full of medals, while we're at it."
Trujillo then appointed his 3-year-old son Ramfis as a colonel, because being a military commander himself he realized this was a strategic masterpiece. Then he organized a $30 million event called the Fair of Peace and Fraternity of the Free World to crown his daughter queen -- an event that lasted an entire year and vaporized one-third of the national budget. At the same fair, his nearly illiterate wife was honored as a "writer and philosopher," and Trujillo went on to campaign for her to receive the Nobel Prize for Literature, which would've made her the first person in history to win the award for absolutely no reason.
Trujillo renamed the capital, multitudes of roads, buildings, bridges and even freaking mountains after himself. He required every license plate to say "Viva Trujillo" and every church to feature the phrase "Dios en cielo, Trujillo en tierra" (God in Heaven, Trujillo on Earth).
Something about that tree makes us deeply uncomfortable.
Following that, El Jefe erected a massive electric sign in the capital that said "Dios y Trujillo." Years later, he would go on to increase the size of the sign and also promote his son to general.
What happened to him?
In 1961, a group of about 11 people ambushed El Jefe, killed him and kicked his family out of the country. The CIA may or may not have been involved, but ostensibly his people were just tired of him being such a raging dickhead.
Muammar Gaddafi seized power in 1969 when he was just 27. Immediately following that, he expelled all Italians from his country, because fuck Italy. He gave up the post of prime minister just three years later in 1972 and started calling himself "Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution" and "Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya," because this is somehow easier to stencil on your office door.
He thought it would impress Putin. He was wrong.
Gaddafi started dressing in totally ridiculous clothes and makeup and decreed that all his bodyguards had to be female virgins, no doubt to insulate himself against rape attacks.
While on a friendship visit to Italy in 2010, he gave a lecture exclusively to women (who were all paid to attend) in which he said that all of Europe should convert to Islam and that the European Union should pay him "at least 5 billion euros a year" to put a stop to illegal immigration from Libya.
And in a two-hour-long rambling speech at the U.N. that saw the walking out of several delegates and the spontaneous combustion of scores of others, Gaddafi expressed support for Somali pirates, called Barack Obama "my son" and claimed that Israel was responsible for JFK's assassination. At the end of the speech, Gaddafi also added that his people had jet lag.
"Seriously, I can barely keep my eyes open."
What happened to him?
Gaddafi is still in power. He even bought a stake in Juventus F.C., a top Italian football club, just to be a dick. He also petitioned the U.N. to dissolve Switzerland and split the land among Germany, France and Italy, which is probably an indication that he is about to ban the Swiss from his country.
This is either a bad stroke or a good trip.