26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist

#13. Sexy CSI Tech

Wait, no. This is the laziest costume. It's a damned blue jumpsuit with a "CSI" patch glued to it. And while we don't want to sound like a broken record, who is it that has sex fantasies about the team of people who collect your hair and semen to test for DNA? Once again: serial killers.

We're telling you, half of the sexy costume industry is either run by or intended for that demographic.

#12. Sexy Gothic Woman

Wait, no. This is the laziest one. We like to call it, "Regular Goth Dress While Grabbing Your Own Ass." We can't tell you the number of times we showed up to the Cracked Halloween party to find four other people dressed the same way. It's very hard to drink in this outfit, because when you remove your hands, the costume loses its meaning.

#11. Sexy Hermione Granger

Stay classy, costume industry! Here's a character who is between 11 and 17 years old, depending on which Harry Potter book you're fantasizing about. Though we like how the costume makers offset that by putting it on a 58-year-old model.

Oh, wait. Maybe this costume isn't Hermione -- it's Hermione's mom, putting on her daughter's schoolgirl costume to spice things up in the bedroom, because she knows her husband has incest fantasies. See! Not creepy at all.

And while we're on the subject ...

#10. Sexy Small Child

Just to be clear, if you go to a party, and a woman is dressed in this outfit, do not invite her back to your place. There are police in that van across the street, and they will follow you, shovels at the ready to unearth your terrible, terrible secrets.

We understand there's a thin line between "sexy and innocent" and "pedophile bait," but seriously. Teddy bear. Though we suppose she could just be portraying a very girlish and naive adult. After all, it's not like the costume specifically says, "Sexy eight-year-old" ...

#9. Sexy Cindy Brady

This one does! Yes, that's a Cindy Brady costume. A character who was eight or nine years old when that outfit was in style on The Brady Bunch. Again, if you ever see this costume, look closely, because there's a tiny little FBI camera hidden in the wig.

OK, no more creepy pedophile stuff.

#8. Sexy Pebbles Flintstone

WHAT? GAH! Pebbles is an infant. Nobody in the history of humankind has ever had a fetish that involved Pebbles whose story didn't end with the sound of a gavel banging and the words, "... mercy on your soul."

#7. Sexy Pregnant Raggedy Ann

We considered just writing an entire article about all of the questions raised by this costume, portraying the classic children's toy that is somehow eight months pregnant with ... what? It'd have to be a demonic sentient toy fetus spawned by some kind of unholy voodoo ritual, we suppose. Maybe we'll stretch it out into a book.

#6. Sexy Football-Playing Whore

In case you didn't catch it, it's supposed to be sexy because it says "SEXY" on it. Notice the costume makes far more sense if you take away the little toy football and give her a stripper pole.

Honestly, guys, you really can't grasp how demeaning a costume like this is for a woman, unless you were to, we don't know, see the equivalent on a guy or something.

#5. Sexy Male Nurse

Here we go! One of you guys out there, preferably one in your 40s and weighing in the 250-pound range, put this on and go trick-or-treating. Let's see how long you last before you see the red and blue lights behind you.

Wait, is that Dane Cook? Don't answer that. We're going to keep believing that's Dane Cook.

#4. Sexy Bull

Some commenter is going to point out that those bull horns are just sloppily photoshopped onto what is clearly a photo from a clothing catalog, but you can blame the costume makers for that, not us. If you pan down, you find no hooves or tail, just some nice slacks and dress shoes. The point being, this costume was so stupid they couldn't convince a model to put it on long enough to snap a photo.

#3. Sexy Poseidon

We're not sure how that picture made it in here. That actually is pretty sexy. Also we love how it's not possible to actually walk in it.

#2. Sexy Papa Smurf Knockoff

They couldn't get the license to use the name "Papa Smurf," so they called this one "Blue Daddy." We're not sure which one makes it creepier. Wait, why is there a Smurf in the background getting launched out of a catapult?

#1. Sexy Male Sex Doll

Funny? Yeah, we can see that. But this cockless blow-up sex doll was listed under the "sexy" section, for whoever dreams of fucking the mouth of a dickless Mario.

Also, we will utilize every method available, no matter how immoral or illegal, to never see the back of this costume.

For more terrible costume ideas, check out 20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating and The 35 Most Insane Halloween Costumes from Around the World.

And stop by Linkstorm to see David Wong's Robert Brockway costume (we aren't sure where Brockway has gone to, so we don't know how accurate it is).

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

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