5 Multiplayer Video Games That Will Destroy Your Marriage

#2. The Mario Party Games

The Mario Party games are basically board games (like Monopoly or Candyland) in computer form, utilizing the latest technology to be far more effective a wedge in your relationship than the old-school games ever were.

It would be bad enough for you to crush the love of your life by your overwhelming Mario Party skill, but a great deal of the game is actually based on random chance, and any gamer knows that there is nothing more frustrating than doing every move perfectly only for some retarded random feature to pop up and swap your hard-earned position with your slow-witted opponent standing back at the beginning.


This minigame is basically Russian roulette.

In a single-player game, you take out your frustration on the game, but since your opponent in Mario Party isn't the computer but your beloved romantic partner, "fucking stupid random game" curses turn into "cheating star-stealing asshole" curses, and probably a night on the couch for one of you.


Pro Tip: Lie on it sideways.

If that's not enough, they added a fun unlockable "feature" in Mario Party 8 called "taunting", which once unlocked, can never be turned off and causes your controller, upon the slightest movement, to emit taunts in the voice of your character that are supposed to distract the other player.

Fortunately, one of the minigames gives men some good practice on what they'll have to do for the next few days after playing:

#1. Mario Kart

That's right -- in a list about games that will ruin your relationship, freaking Mario turns up in 60% of them. This is no accident.

The Nintendo Wii specializes in two things: adorable mascots and party games that anyone can play. Their entire ad campaign is built around showing happy people of all ages having a great time on or around a sofa.


The implied after-game sex is more than obvious.

This is the trap Nintendo sets for us, which brings us to the "surely too adorable to be infuriating" Mario Kart games. Like Mario Party the game is competitive, not cooperative -- which is always bad news for any couple if either or both partners are assholes, and since about 90% of people turn into assholes when playing video games, maybe couples should just avoid the game altogether.


This couple is smiling because those controllers aren't actually hooked up to anything.

And like Mario Party, the game often rewards you for 1) random chance and 2) screwing over your beloved -- it is, after all, nothing but a go-cart racing game where you can throw shit at other players and ruin the race for them. If you still think this sounds like a fun date night with your honey, there's probably no helping you, but as a last resort, I will tell you about the blue shell.

Imagine you're running the perfect race. You've nailed every turn, you've pulled ahead of the crowd, you can see the finish line edging up over the brightly colored horizon. Suddenly, with no warning, a blue blur comes and wrecks your shit.

The blue shell is a homing missile you can throw that automatically locks on to the first-place racer and takes them out, as well as anyone unlucky enough to be in its path. It is pretty much undodgeable without using a rare item, and is therefore, in technical terms, "a fucking cheap tactic."

Like I mentioned with Mario Party, there is nothing a gamer hates more than the game being "cheap," except another player being "cheap," and when the other player is your honeymuffin, this is bad news.


What I'm saying is that the blue shell has resulted in more sexless nights than erectile dysfunction

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