#3. The PCP Cannibal
The legend has been floating around for a while that the drug PCP doesn't merely inspire regular garden variety hallucinatory freak-outs, it actually has the ability to turn somebody into a flesh hungry maniac. Surely this is merely Reefer Madness-style propaganda though -- something dreamt up by Nancy Reagan in one of her more creative moods?
Not pictured: an appealing alternative to getting high.
The story of Antron Singleton, a rapper with the appropriately creepy sounding handle "Big Lurch" says otherwise. In 2002 Big Lurch was found, well, lurching around the streets of Los Angeles in the dead of night, naked, covered in blood and howling at the moon after going on a near week long PCP binge. Of course none of this is overly strange for a rapper -- Snoop Dogg considers drug-fuelled naked moon howling part of a regular Saturday night -- but things got much more sinister once they inspected Antron's apartment.
Rapper Big Lurch in his more innocent pre-human flesh ingesting days.
There they found his roommate brutally slain, with her lungs torn from her torso, and her body and face covered with...bite marks. An examination of Antron's stomach contents found it was full of human flesh, officially eliminating the "uh, I think the dog must have done that" defense. Turns out PCP can be a bit of a gateway drug -- a gateway towards becoming a goddamn zombie that is.
They moved a few words around when teenage focus groups called it "Awesome."
Of course we don't want to be alarmists -- we're sure there are plenty of fine upstanding PCP addicts out there. All we're saying is you might want to hit up the Burger King before you go on that PCP bender, as this clearly isn't the drug you want to be doing on an empty stomach.
#2. The Ice Woman
A person is brought into the hospital completely frozen and assumed to be dead. The doctor taps the body with his pen, declares, "Yup, that's dead" and the presumed corpse is taken to the morgue before any kids can accidentally get their tongue stuck to it. But that's not the end of the story -- as the body thaws it begins to stir, and eventually rises to its feet and walks out of the hospital as if nothing happened.
Sometimes things go further.
When a neighbor found Jean Hilliard in the snow she was frozen solid. That's not euphemism; she was literally frozen like a turkey in your grandma's deep freeze. Her body was too frozen to pierce with a needle, her temperature too low to register and when they took her to the hospital they loaded her into the car diagonally like a piece of lumber from Home Depot. She was, by nearly every measure, literally stone cold dead.
When the Jeansicle arrived at the hospital doctors tried to thaw her out, but nobody had much hope for a happy ending. Even if she wasn't dead, all medical evidence suggested she'd at least have severe frostbite and brain damage.
As Jean lay wrapped in an electric heating pad her eyelids began to flutter, and after some time she thawed completely, returning to life as if nothing had happened. She showed absolutely no ill effects from her little nap in the snowbank -- no frostbite, no brain damage, not even any freezer burn. The 19-year old woman from North Dakota had, essentially, come back from the dead completely unharmed. Had she been sipping on antifreeze cocktails earlier in the evening? Did Mr. Freeze secretly give her up for adoption as a baby? Dr. George Sather, who treated her, isn't ruling anything out. As he put it, "I can't explain why she's alive."
Nobody knows for sure, but she certainly has a hell of story to tell her kids if they ever try to go out in the cold without their hats and mittens on.
#1. The Killer in Cop's Clothing
Depending on the story a police officer approaches somebody in public, or knocks on their door, and tells them there's a dangerous criminal on the loose in the area, and that it's important that they let them inside or that the person comes with them. The person being an upstanding -- yet not particularly perceptive -- citizen, does what the officer tells them to. As they close the door behind them, sealing their fate, they ask the officer what this criminal looks like.
"Oh," the officer replies "a lot like me actually."
Carol DaRonch was browsing through a Utah city bookstore when she was approached by a police officer who informed her that her car had been broken into in the parking lot and that she should come with him down to the station to file a report. A perfectly reasonable sounding request, except for one rather important fact -- this police officer was, in reality, infamous serial killer Ted Bundy.
We're not sure that haircut is in compliance with police guidelines.
Carol started to suspect something was up when Bundy didn't pick her up in a shiny police issue Crown Victoria, but his shitty VW Bug. Granted she still got in the car, but hey, it was the 70s -- creepy looking guys driving Volkswagens made up 90% of the male population back then.
The other 10%.
Thankfully Carol finally caught on when Bundy pulled out a gun and a pair of handcuffs. She managed to kick him in the balls, escape the car and flag down another vehicle that drove her to the police station. After what she'd just been through we suspect she made sure every cop at the station showed her their badge about half a dozen times.
Bundy was hardly the first, or the last to try this kind of stunt, and unfortunately others have pulled it off with deadlier results. It may be a good idea to ask a few questions before you blindly do whatever the man tells you to do -- just don't tell the cops that advice came from us as you're laying face down on the pavement with a knee to the back of your head.
Pictured: someone who is not taking your shit.
As always, Nathan Birch also writes the disgustingly cute webcomic Zoology.
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