#3. Louisville Free Face
With all the Craigslist posters asking for someone to fart in their hair while they jerk off in an astronaut suit, the simple perversions often get overlooked. Like the man behind Louisville Free Face, who doesn't want anything super-freaky at all, save to go yodeling in some lady's valley. In fact, he loves taking the V-train downtown so much that he decided to set up a website informing all the ladies in the Louisville, Ky., area. Here's some info from his "about me" page.
Notice anything unusual?
Hint: It's not his age.
But hell, if that's perversion, then a lot of 14-year-old Twilight fans need to start registering with the state. Dude loves head; that's his bag. Big deal. Then you get to the "terms and restrictions," "privacy," and "application" pages.
That's right, you have to apply to let the hillbilly vampire put his tongue inside your genitals. That implies there's so much demand that he's rejecting applicants, which in turn implies that he may be completely delusional. And when you take some aspects of the application into account, like the question, "Do you like any of these other things used on you or done while you are receiving oral?" which has multiple-choice answers including "pop rocks," "ice cubes" and "electricity" -- you can safely figure that either the Vampire Lord of Kentucky Oral is quite insane, or else he learned about the birds and the bees from Jack Bauer.
Oh, and hey, if you're a satisfied customer, he'd appreciate it if you tell your friends and maybe give him a quote to put on the site. You know, in case you have some extra dignity you need to burn off. (We're not going to link off to "God's" page here, simply because we don't want the FBI investigating our entire readership. If you're desperate enough to catch Internet Herpes, you're more than welcome to Google "Louisville Free Face.")
Humanbeing151, who goes by the name "Insomniac," has a desire to meet P. Diddy that is so intense it can only be quantified as "Lovecraftian." His YouTube profile says that he has "150,000 written songs," and while he has nearly 1,300 videos, only one of them has any music. Or sanity.
There's only one message in all of these videos: Diddy needs to check his MySpace inbox because he's been sent an "important message." Various titles for these plaintive clips include "Diddy Dear Mr Diddy please read this," "Diddy TV official," and "Diddy Diddy diddy diddy diddy DIDDY P diddy Puff Diddy diddy twitter." While most desperate YouTube stars throw " BOOBS TITS HALO" into the video tags when they want people to find their videos, Insomniac takes the less-subtle approach and puts these things straight in the title. Presumably in the hopes that Diddy, while incessantly Googling himself one day, will stumble across "P.Diddy dirty money angels diddy angels Diddy dirty money angels angels dirty money," and click on it, wondering how he forgot that time he starred in an anal-centric porno.
If you follow the video feed chronologically, you can see the downward spiral of a man that starts at "complete insanity" and somehow goes downhill from there. As evidenced by some of his more recent videos, which have titles like "i will pay $5000 to see Diddy," featuring a background image of a man on all fours, utterly crushed with despair. So what's this all-consuming important message for Diddy? We don't know; he won't say. We can only assume it has something to do with this:
A room in Insomniac's home is filled with what appears to be thousands upon thousands of notebooks. What could they be? Songbooks? An epic poem detailing the importance of sub-standard sample-based hip hop? A new Bible with every single name replaced by "Diddy"? Eventually, Insomniac pulls one out and flips though it, where we can see that every single page is filled with the words "Dear Mr. P Diddy please accept" or "Brother Diddy please accept."
Insomniac's dream is so desperate and heart-wrenching, we can't help but root for him a little bit and hope that he finally gets his wish to meet Diddy in person. Besides, Diddy's one of the richest entertainers in the world; after Insomniac's done sewing his Brother Diddy Suit, Mr. Combs could almost certainly afford some new skin.
#1. "Kerry's TV, Mask & Lycra Page"
If you've ever spent more than an hour searching for porn, you've probably stumbled upon a tranny site, and while Eddie Izzard and 80s glam metal have taught us understanding and shown us that dressing up like a chick doesn't have to be wrong or pornographic, "Kerry" is here to teach us that transvestites can be objectively terrifying even without the surprise wang reveal.
Kerry is a straight, married, male cross-dresser whose interests include "movies, British media, science fiction, computers" and "growing ever more powerful as he feeds off of your fear." We understand that he's trying to look more like a woman and that not everyone is capable of doing so with just some eye shadow and lipstick, but his mask barely resembles a human being in the first place, and that human being happens to be Michael Myers in the second.
Or what looks like a very racist interpretation of Oprah:
He's like Buffalo Bill, but without the pit and the murder ... as far as we know.
Kerry also enjoys cosplaying.
She dresses up as The Avengers' Emma Peel:
And she even takes videos:
Videos that unhinge you from reality and send you hurtling off on a one-way trip into the black abyss of insanity. And hey, what trip is complete without souvenirs!? Buy some Kerry masks of your own on his site! For the kids!
For more reasons to be scared of the Internet, check out The 5 Circles of Baffling Web Comic Hell and 6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet.
And stop by Linkstorm to see more nightmares the Internet can offer.
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