#3. The X-Men And Star Trek
A meeting so offensively incongruous, it could only have been conceived by a 10-year-old playing with action figures circa 1993. All that's missing is a Ninja Turtle (one of the late-period, sports-themed ones) and a couple of maimed GoBots.
Sometimes you gotta work with what you have.
Somehow, there have been two separate comics with this premise, each featuring the X-Men and a different Star Trek generation. The stories are almost completely different, although they both involve time travel, alternate dimensions and a scene where Wolverine is singlehandedly taken down by the biggest nerd in the Enterprise.
The old Vulcan instant-orgasm pinch.
Now, Wolverine may be grossly out of character here (you'll notice that Spock is still alive), but not everyone else is. The comics are faithful to the core of the Star Trek concept in that Captain Kirk is shown trying to bone every non-human being with tits that comes his way.
In fact, these things are basically standard Star Trek plots with the X-Men awkwardly shoehorned in to boost sales. It's no coincidence that they were published to coincide with the launch of Marvel's "Paramount Comics" imprint (which sorta pissed off all those Star Trek fans who weren't expecting to find sexy mutants in their comics).
Since two 50-page comics clearly weren't enough to explore this idea with the depth and pathos it deserved, Marvel and Paramount later published a 300-page novel that told yet another Star Trek/X-Men adventure. That's like 100 pages of posts in a fan fiction message board, in more than one sense.
We're not sure what part of the novel inspired more nerd boners: the scenes where Captain Picard falls in love with the X-Men's Storm ...
Wow, what a handy image.
...or the ones where Wolverine has a bromance with a Klingon.
Thankfully, they stopped the franchise before the inappropriate sexual tension could reach a boiling point and the whole thing turned into an all-out orgy. If there's one thing that intrigues us less than the sex lives of the Enterprise crewmembers and the X-Men, it's the sex lives of the Enterprise crew members with the X-Men.
#2. Spider-Man And Iron Man Intersect With A Daytime Soap Opera
In 2006, for reasons beyond any human comprehension, the editors at Marvel Comics met with the people at Procter & Gamble to discuss possible ways for their properties to intersect. Marvel, obviously, had access to a ton of valuable superhero properties, and Proctor & Gamble had Guiding Light, a beloved American soap opera about ... white people doing things (despite this being the longest-running show of all time, we've never seen a single episode). Two properties that clearly belonged together.
The result was an episode of Guiding Light in which one of the characters gains superpowers, after suffering a freak accident with some Halloween decorations.
By the way, that wasn't a dream or a fantasy sequence -- all that stuff actually happened in the reality of the show. The superpowers were reversed by the end of the episode, though, presumably because those fancy special effects were way too expensive to afford on a regular basis.
Marvel fulfilled its side of the deal by producing a special Guiding Light comic in the same character has another freak accident, involving an electric socket and some fingers.
That woman is clearly not qualified to handle this type of technology.
She then proceeds to put on her revealing spandex costume again, because that's the next logical step whenever you get superpowers. The story jumps to Spider-Man capturing some bad guys in New York, when Iron Man suddenly shows up and asks him to drop everything.
"No, not the fun one."
Turns out Iron Man has somehow detected a new superheroine in a small Midwestern town and is gathering all the big guns to come check her out, which is clearly more important than stopping crime. So Spider-Man literally leaves the bad guys sitting in the middle of the street and joins Iron Man and the rest in this important mission.
Spidey's carelessness comes to bite everyone in the ass when the same criminals he left unattended follow the heroes to Springfield and attack it, ("Perfect! No one will stop us if we attack the one town with every superhero.). Guiding Light's superheroine helps defeat the bad guys, once again losing her powers in the process.
"But I wouldn't try to change any light bulbs if I were you."
The crossover was an obvious attempt to boost the ratings of the soap by tapping into the superhero film trend. Did it work? Well, before this happened, Guiding Light had been going on for 70 years (that's right, it predates television) ... and it was canceled shortly afterward.
#1. Superman vs. Pretty Much Anyone
Superman is like the Kevin Bacon of superheroes: Thanks to him, there's only two degrees of separation between The Thundercats and I Love Lucy. Superman has appeared in a comic with literally everyone.
Most of these stories involve punching, because that's what Superman does best. But the problem with having Superman fight another character is that the guy has more powers than God and Wolverine combined, meaning most fights would realistically end in about three seconds. And since the writers can't always use kryptonite (by now they've used enough of it to make up like five planet Kryptons), they have to constantly come up with other reasons why Superman would be even slightly threatened by the other guy. And sometimes those reasons can get pretty ridiculous.
Like that time Skeletor put a magic spell on Superman and forced him to fight He-Man.
"Plus there's this naked dude with a sword. Really not sure what my priority should be right now."
Why is Superman in Eternia, you ask? He accidentally fell into a time vortex and washed up there. Yeah, that sort of thing happens to him entirely too often. Like in Superman vs. Aliens, where he somehow strands himself in an asteroid that happens to have Kryptonian atmosphere, making Superman weak enough for the Alien Queen to force itself on him.
"This is ... unpleasant."
Or in Superman vs. Predator, where he contracts a convenient jungle virus that weakens his powers. Or in Superman and Batman vs. Aliens and Predator, which takes place inside an active volcano where Superman's powers don't work at full capacity.
"How did I end up in a volcano in the first place??"
There's also Superman vs. Freddy vs. Jason (featuring Gumby), where Superman loses his powers after eating a bad plate of chili con carne.
OK, that one didn't happen -- but you know they're getting there.
For more bad comic book ideas, check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots and The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time.
And stop by Linkstorm to see what happened when Brockway and DOB teamed up to save the environment. (Not good things.)
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