Cracked Round-Up: James Joyce Edition

blathering lilliputian-dicked simpleton. We at Cracked believe that fine literature ought to be honored, especially fine literature written entirely under the influence of either alcohol, or syphilitic hallucinations. Books: if you don't like them, you're a

We'd hoped for a relaxing, productive week. Then Soren kidnapped a baby. We're still finding diapers stashed behind desks. Bucholz took some educated guesses about what direction The Event will take, and Robert Brockway examined the recession from a lunatic's POV. Seanbaby invented the Top 5 Crime Scene Albums game, and Cracked would like to note that we do not actually suggest murdering people and leaving these albums at the scene. Dan O'Brien closed us off by writing down the Internet's best flirting advice.

BIG BROTHER

6 New Spy Technologies You Literally Can't Hide From Sleep tight, conspiracy theorists!

Notable Comment: "Wow, two Skynet jokes not only in the same article, but in the same entry? Stellar. Seriously, enough already. If Cracked makes one more Skynet joke I'm gonna kick somebody's ass. "

SickBoy, you won't be kicking anyone's ass once SkyNet glasses every major city and sends the hunter-killers out to track down the terrified remnants of human civilization. You'll be lucky if you still have feet.

SNEAKY CRITTERS

The 9 Most Mind-blowing Disguises in the Animal Kingdom Naturing, like that feral border collie who lives in the office parking lot and steals bag lunches, is a cunning bitch.

Notable Comment:"It all makes sense now. My Dad is really an octopus."

We're not even going to try to parse out this Redinkengineer comment.

SPOT THE FNORDS

5 Absurd (But Mind Blowing) Pop Culture Conspiracy Theories May cause an overdose of "whoa".

Notable Comment:"Who Ever Believes That This Stuff Isnt True or Doesnt Have Truth To It Your Ignorant And Brainwashed Number 1 Alex Jones Is Just One Of The Many People In This World exposing The Obvious Its Funny How People Can Make Joke And Ridicule People Who Actually Take Time To Study And Learn On Theyre Own And Not Just Read A Couple Articles And Think we know What Were Talking About Theres people That Dedicate Their Lives To These Topics and Have Very Convincing Evidence Which Mean theyre Not Theories Like The Brother Lupe Fiasco Said - Wake Up/ Dont Joint The Army / Kill Ya Own people But Fear illumintis /And They Aint Even Real / Or Are They/ But You Wouldnt Know /Kuz You Party To f**k Much /If You Start To Doubt Theyre Already In Ya Mind Come Out Ya Mouth/ LUPE FIASCO B.M.F BUILDING MINDS FASTER"

We're guessing KyleDuVerney spends a lot of time handing out pamphlets of some sort.

IMPROVISED ACTION

6 Insane True Stories Too Awesome for a Chuck Norris Movie Sometimes the truth is more retarded than Walker: Texas Ranger.

Notable Comment:"As funny as #6 was, imagine the size of the brick that the robbers would've shat had Dolph actually been home."

Actually, PeePReel, we're fairly certain Lundgren wold have vaporized them with his psychic lasers long before they could void their bowels.

BUCK THE SYSTEM

The 6 Most Creative Abuses of Loopholes The early bastard gets the worm.

Notable Comment: "That reminds me of the great penny scam. This guy placed an ad in a couple hundred magazines and classified sections advertising a "beautiful copper bust of Abraham Lincoln" for like ten dollars. Of course hundreds and hundreds of f**king idiots sent him ten dollars. For that money they received an envelop containing one penny. "

We hope this story is true, Tommyg, so we're going to share it.

Soren Bowie & Justin Viar

Worst Second Date Ever A more realistic Romeo & Juliet for the modern age.

YOU YOU YOU!

17 Counterproductive Public Service Announcements We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Everyday Items, Pimped Out.

9.23.10:

Call the X-men. I think I know where Magneto's hiding out.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

After months, police still can't crack the case of the missing newspaper boys.
by bcanders

9.22.10:

Things would really get awkward when Bret volunteered to be the "Queen"
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

It was really only marginally better than "Roach Motel" across the street.
by Kamikaze Phoenix

9.21.10:

Horton Busts a Move
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

The elephant, when frightened, can disguise itself as an ordinary tree...
by zbeebs

9.20.10:

"Don't forget, honey, we're parked next to that thing you never let me do to you."
by Versus

Editor's pick:

On windy days, this sculpture is violently erotic.
by Mr. Excalibur

9.19.10:

Canadian Army photo, circa 1994
by puppy528

Editor's pick:

They see us rollin', they hatin', patrollin' they trying to catch us ridin' dapper.
by dpollok

8.15.09:

No sense in beating a dead horse. DEFINITELY no sense in fucking one.
by WhiskeyLicker

Editor's pick:

And this, Johnny, is how centaurs are born...
by HUMLY

9.17.09:

China's Google Earth, post-censorship
by puppy528

Editor's pick:

Behold......The Meth Star.
by bigkahuna71