Cracked Round-Up: First Day of Winter Edition

This Tuesday was Cracked's official "first day of Winter". We don't rely on the calendar or the weather. Our winter begins with the Photoshop department's quint-annual "Peppermint schnapps drunk-fest". There may not be snow on the ground, but we've got enough puke to justify a (corrosion resistant) ski lift.

The Snazzy Napper's true purpose was revealed by Cody way back on Sunday. Soren Bowie followed up with an acting guide for the untalented. Robert Brockway switched places with Seanbaby and wrote some man-comics while Seanbaby tried his hand at a drug-filled "Choose Your Own Adventure". Dan O'Brien closed us off with the Twitter Tao of Andrew WK.

THE FUZZ

6 Insane Foreign Memes That Put Lolcats To Shame Being a historian is going to be way more fun in about a century. There will come a day when wizened old professors pore over images of the Goatse guy for hours at a time, searching for insights into our society.

Notable Comment: "If that sheila wasn't a racist lush, I would give her a good deep rodgering... "

Rodgering? Really, Kalmbach, is that the best you folks can do?

UNFAIR

6 Bizarre Forms of Discrimination That Can Lose You A Job Shin extensions and calligraphy lessons might be just what your career needs..

Notable Comment: "For people who submit to penile god, they surely enabled themselves to believe in anything. Blood type, Nostradamus, s**t, jizz .. "

Don't feel bad if you're confused, folks. No amount of context can make this fuckingpedant quote sane.

LAZY DRONES

5 Scientific Reasons You're a Bad Employee Of course, the number one reason for poor work performance will always be "booze".

Notable Comment:"These articles always annoy me. It's like there is absolutely no other job in the world other than an office job. Look back at every work related article. Every one is an office setting. I work in a kitchen, and not one of these things will ever apply. We need more variety!"

Brianl2px, we can assure you that no Cracked employee has ever worked a job that required a hair net. It's better for everyone this way.

DOPE & GUNS

6 Things You Won't Believe Are More Legal Than Marijuana Just to be clear, Cracked isn't saying any of these items shouldn't be legal. It wouldn't be America without laser-rifles and civilian-owned tanks.

Notable Comment: "I like the fact that the tanks and planes are sold disarmed. Do you know how cheap it is to rearm them? And how easy? If you can service cars, hook up VCRs and have the cash, you can have a fully armed ACV or jet."

If we hadn't just blown our whole "violent insurrection" budget on cheap Canadian bourbon and nitrous oxide, we'd totally hire JCollier to tank-up the office car park.

ANIMAL MYSCHIEF

5 International Incidents Caused By Animals Because sometimes people need an adorable excuse for their abominable behavior.

Notable Comment: "The saddest part of this article is that I wasn't astounded by the stupidity of the world until I got to these comments.".

Thanks for this, flukemc.

Agents of Cracked!

Agents of Cracked Season 2: The Overly Dramatic Trailer Coming soon to a face near you.

YOU YOU YOU!

If History Got a Gritty Reboot We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Counterproductive Public Service Announcements

9.16.10:

"So what's it do, Tom?" "It shuts her up for a while, Bill."
by Fkelleghan

Editor's pick:

The mind control device says "yes" but the blank expression says "don't expect anything beyond the missionary position."
by Mr.Excalibur

9.15.10:

They've finally invented a blow-up doll that will screw YOU.
by Diasdiem

Editor's pick:

Try as they might, the good people at H&R Block just couldn't compete with Jackson-Hewitts giant, inlatable tits.
by AbaddonAlpha

9.14.10:

I don't care if it doesn't have candy inside...I still want to beat the shit out of it.
by dpollok

Editor's pick:

Lil Mo stood dejected on the curb. Yet another employer with a "no dragons" policy. How was he going to explain this to his wife?
by bcanders

9.13.10:

"Look, if I give you this money, you'll just use it to buy more overalls."
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

And another journalism major enters the work force.
by jakflak

9.12.10:

It appears two f-bombs have been dropped in public. The FCC has been alerted and fines will be issued.
by danaconda

Editor's pick:

That must be one hell of an interesting story he's reading.
by alphakennybuddy

9.11.10:

Few people know that every time Lady Gaga dies, the mother crab just lays a new one.
by sharonp

Editor's pick:

It roamed into the concert. Everyone was startled at first until it commanded the band to play "Freebird".
by Exiasprip

9.10.10:

you have to hand it to the homeless... they're putting their art majors to good use
by iantendo

Editor's pick:

Damn you Ikea instructions! Damn you to hell!
by Backinblack