We have detailed demographic information about our readers, so one thing we know is that most of you reading this have fairly obscene and borderline illegal sex on an almost weekly basis. But no matter how nasty you like to get in your leather-studded Bone Chamber, there are multiple species of the animal kingdom who still put you to shame.
#6. The "Taking One for the Team" Beetle
You're a guy, and you meet a cute girl at a bar, only to find that she has an asshole boyfriend with her. You can't compete with that guy. Unless...
You come up with a plan. You leave and put on a wig, a miniskirt and smear on some makeup. You come back, looking 100% woman, in a dark room, anyway. You wait until the girl slips off to the ladies' room. But you don't approach her; you approach her man.
"Hey big boy," you huskily whisper to the douche boyfriend, "how about we go to the alley out back and I'll show you I'm all woman. And not a dude in a wig."
Also known as the "Bugs Bunny Stratagem"
So you lead the Kevin Federline wannabe out behind the dumpster, and allow him to make passionate love to you until he is exhausted from the effort. He's spent, and now the girl is yours!
This is how every date goes if you are a gamma male stag beetle. The alphas, with their big, scary pincers, protect the females and fight for the right to mate. The less masculine gamma beetles don't have a chance, so they use pheromones to convince the alphas that they're ladies. Then they seduce them.
The whole point of seducing the male is to get his "little soldiers" out of the fray.
After the alpha male wastes his sperm on the transvestite beetle, he is uninterested in other females. With no sperm to compete with his and the alpha male passed out in post-sodomy afterglow, the gamma sneaks over to the female and has his way with her, knocking her up.
Totally worth it.
#5. Suicidal Bees
So you're a bee this time.
The good news is, you have a harem. The bad news is, they're all your sisters. Still, it's a pretty sweet deal--they feed you, clean you, and even protect you from burglars. You and your brothers are all unarmed, lazy, and helpless. Your sisters are a wonderful combination of bodyguard and maid.
Dude. Your sister.
But one day you hear a gorgeous princess is in town, flying through the air just waiting for some kind of awesome guy (like you!) to show her the time of her life. You win out over your brothers for the hand of the fine lady and eventually you're doing the horizontal Lambada. Things are going pretty well until it's time to pull out. You'll pull out all right...it's just your dick isn't going to pull out with you.
Instead, pulling out completely disembowels you. You're dead, but the lady doesn't care because--and this is where it turns into a goddamned Clive Barker novel--your dick stays inside her and continues banging her.
This mind-boggling horror is the sex life of the honeybee. The male's aedaegus (insect wiener) stays in the female, continuing to impregnate the princess so she can have like a million babies.
Some of you reading may be familiar with the fact that honeybee females only sting once, because the stinger remains in the victim. This is why males don't have stingers. The stinger on the worker bee and the penis on the male bee stem from the same basic developing parts. In both cases, penetration spells death.
Oh, and remember your brothers? The ones who didn't get laid, because you got to the girl first? When winter approaches, their sisters, all ten thousand of them, will kick their virgin asses out and let them freeze to death...or starve.
So, yeah, you still got the better end of the deal.
#4. Giraffe Golden Showers
It's science: you have a better chance of getting lucky with a lady if she is ovulating. Whether you're a human, a tiger, or a giraffe. It's just that some of us take the whole thing more seriously than others.
After all, how in the world do you even figure out if she's ovulating in the first place? You could just ask her, but she probably doesn't know, and what kind of gentleman just comes out and asks that of a girl?
They sell strips that work like pregnancy tests, where the woman has to urinate on it, but say you're not a human and thus don't have fancy medical tests. No, clearly there is only one way. At some point, without her noticing, you need to find a way to subtly drink her piss.
Welcome to love, giraffe-style.
Cracked: Now with 40% more copulating animals.
Whenever a female giraffe is in heat, and therefore ovulating, certain hormones skyrocket. These hormones alter the flavor of her urine, and apparently the guy know that flavor well through lots of trial and error piss drinking. He just, you know, waits for her to go and sticks his head under there. Zoologists refer to it as the R. Kelly method.
They totally don't.
What we find hilarious about this is these are giraffes. Picture it. The guy's neck is like 20 feet higher than the part of the female that emits urine. We can imagine a rat or a dachshund sneaking a sip of a partner's piss, like in a crowd or something. But how the world does a giraffe curl its long-ass neck down there without making the lady giraffe ask him what the hell he's doing?