Once again, the year has rolled around to Burning Man. While no Cracked staffer has the free time to engage in such shenanigans, we've all been affected by the festival's coming. Namely, by the fact that every good drug dealer is out of state right now, and supplies are depressed so badly that we can't even afford the Demerol & Quaalude cocktails we rely on to get us through the day.
In conclusion, come back home soon filthy hippies-and bring your drugs with you.
On honor of Burning Man, Soren Bowie wrote an article on why it must be avoided at all costs. Chris Bucholz asked the question on everyone's mind: what the hell is wrong with 20-somethings. We're going to go ahead and blame the decline of Nickolodeon during the mid-to-late 90s. Robert Brockway brought some terrifying space sounds to everyone's attention, while Seanbaby played our readers in a rousing bout of Dr. Laura's board game. Dan O'Brien closed our comedy sphincter with a bold exploration into the lives of hobos.
|5 Mind-Blowing Ways Your Memory Plays Tricks On You
You can't trust your own brain. But Cracked? You can totally trust us.
You guys are right. Obama is a sekrit Muslim. We're just protecting our unholy messiah. It is the secret, hidden goal of every Cracked article.
|19 Unintentionally Terrifying Children's Album Covers
This next crop of kids is gonna be real interesting.
Notable Comment:"The Diddymen used to scare the crap out of me as a kid, Ken Dodd being a top hat away from the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. But the creepiest kids record cover award goes to Pinky and Perky. One of my aunts continuously bought them for birthdays. Those black, unblinking, soulless eyes used to stare at me right through two layers of cupboard doors and whatever other crap I could burry them under. Glad she died by the time I was seven or I might have had issues."
Tomate, we think you still may.
|6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries (That Have Totally Been Solved)
Want to help us solve a real mystery? Find out which one of the columnists keeps stealing all the jelly donuts from the breakroom. We've narrowed it down to Brockway, O'Brien, or the Lindbergh Baby.
Notable Comment:"Just gonna put this out there, but that guy building a backyard stonehenge? He had to have a background in physics and construction. Something stone age humans could not have had. I'm not saying aliens helped, but it IS likely that a now extinct race of giant humans helped. Not giant like 50 feet tall or anything, but 10-12 feet tall with the muscles of a gorilla or a chimpanzee, which at that scale would definitely be strong enough to lift those blocks into place."
TristanCaley, you're serious? This is the post you've chosen to put up on the Internet, for the whole world to see, forever? Really? Okay. You've got your wish.
|The 7 Most Irritating Characters From Otherwise Great Movies
We wrote this article because we are sexually aroused by the sounds of nerd rage.
""The Fifth Element" was the greatest Sci-fi fantasy film since Empire, and Cris Tucker, while annoying, did nothing to detract from that film's gross awesomeness. This is obvious, and really didn't bear repeating. What does need concurring is the tear-streaming hilarity of the Plinkett reviews. After viewing this article during the "down time" between porn appreciation i clicked on the provided link and laughed myself impotent. Do yourselves a favor and check that crap out. Don't forget the pizza roles. "
There's no snarky comment here. Follow Electricmonk's advice and watch that shit now. Well, after you've finished catching up on your daily Cracked.
|7 Famous Movie Flaws That Were Explained in Deleted Scenes
We'd make some snarky comment about editors here, but Jack has a nasty habit of standing behind us with a rusty truncheon waiting to hear his good name maligned.
"You didn't include the movie that desperately needed to be on this list. In a deleted scene shown on the Donnie Darko DVD, the psychiatrist explains that the pills given to him were merely placebos, that she knew that he wasn't crazy, but that he needed to think that he was. It kind of changed...everything...to know that."
Sorry mkad, but we have a strict "never mention Donnie Darko ever" rule in the office. It leads to too many arguments and broken lives.
|5 Classic Movie High Schools That Would Suck To Attend
YOU YOU YOU!
|Facebook Fails of Iconic Fictional Characters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Magazines Told The Truth
The Miami police and their new drug sniffing Doug.
"What, no more casual Fridays?"----"It's Monday, Jim"
Warning: Door does not give a shit
The tourist was subsequently crushed when he could not reach his English to Portuguese Dictionary in time.
The Ariel costume is passable...but that's probably the most half-assed Sabastien the Hermit Crab costume I've ever seen.
Aquaman's funeral was really weird.
It runs on ignorance and a false sense of entitlement.
While we watch him, a car with a whole bunch of Mexican flags is sneaking in.
Tomorrow morning, that damn rooster gets a taste of his own medicine.
Don't fire until you see the drums of their ears!
The family stood in awkward silence after Bob the Robo-Sphere jokingly asked if he was adopted...
The Empire completes the Inconvenience Star
Danger, Deepak Robinson!