#3. The Grandsmothering
Here's a quick quiz: What do you do when you are a 73-year-old woman who lives alone and you hear a window breaking at 1am on a Saturday night?
Answer: Don't open the front door because your robber will stuff a rag in your mouth and proceed with thieving you.
Which, unfortunately, was exactly what happened to an elderly woman a few years ago when she let her robber, Juan Garcia Vasquez, right in the door so he could conduct his robbery of her.
What Happened Next:
The old woman somehow convinced the man to, instead of going straight for the jewels and cash, sit down with her on the sofa instead.
Home-baked cookies may or may not have been promised.
So, they're sitting there on the couch, maybe chit-chatting, or maybe just staring at each other awkwardly, when suddenly Vasquez's stomach growled. So naturally, the lady went into robo-grandmothering mode. She walked to the kitchen and asked her robber if he'd like her to cook up some eggs. Naturally, he declined but requested a glass of milk and a banana instead. Sitting on the couch, Vasquez consumed his snack and got right back to... sitting around while pictures of grandkids and stories were shared.
Jewels and money somehow forgotten, Vasquez excused himself like a guest at an afternoon tea party and went to the bathroom, revealing politely that he'd used up the last of the toilet paper when he was done. Then, finally succumbing to the energy sapping power of the elderly, he sat back down and fell dead asleep. Seeing this as her chance, the old woman locked herself in the bathroom and called her daughter (she'd promised Vasquez she wouldn't call the police.)
The daughter phoned the cops and Vasquez was picked up at around 2:45am. The whole ordeal had lasted about two hours, "ordeal" being a pretty harsh description of what was essentially a late night Meals-On-Wheels visit in reverse.
#2. Yang Youde: Chinese Rambo
When Yang Youde was offered 130,000 yuan (about $19,000) for his farm, he promptly told the Chinese government to stick it up their ass. His place was worth five times that much. Naturally, the negotiators disagreed and Yang had the feeling he was about to be screwed over.
This is Yang's angry face.
He wasn't just being paranoid. Land confiscation is one of the leading causes of pissed off people in China right now. Losing your home to new roads, government buildings and even luxury villas kind of has that effect. Knowing some hired goons would show up sooner or later to force him off his land, Yang got to work...
What Happened Next:
With a wheelbarrow, some pipes and fireworks, Yang constructed his very own homemade goddamned cannon capable of firing rockets more than 100 yards. Then he waited. In Feburary 2010, the government goons and demolition crew showed up, both with the specific purpose of kicking Farmer Yang to the curb.
The instant he fired, a hundred heavy metal ballads burst spontaneously into existence.
Yang managed to keep the demolition crew at bay by blasting above their heads, at least until he ran out of ammo. After getting roughed up, local police stepped in on the farmer's behalf. When the goons tried it again in May, Yang adjusted tactics, holding off 100 men from a makeshift watchtower with his cannon and a shitload of more ammo. But this time, the police intervened on the thugs' side, warning Yang that firing explosives at people was kind of illegal.
By mid-summer, state-run Chinese newspapers were reporting Youde would get a record settlement for his property, something like 750,000 yaun, or $110,000, plus an apartment for his troubles. But an investigative blogger from Al Jazeera reported differently, that Youde actually got $25,000 and some beatings for making trouble. Still... those rockets were pretty cool, right?
Hooray! Bright lights distract us from the terrors of reality!
#1. Attacker is Stumped
Peter Rogers was pounding back a few brews with friends at a pub when he heard someone yell, "There's the c**t!" Seconds later, he realized he was the "c**t" when he was hit from behind with a hammer.
The hammer-bearer was quickly subdued by staff, but this only left another attacker with a clear path to Rogers. And instead of carrying a hammer, this guy was carrying a samurai sword. That was when Charles Russell, a confessed cocaine addict, smoothly hacked off Roger's left hand with one clean blow. Witnesses say the hand fell to the floor.
Police sources will neither confirm nor deny the presence of a third, nunchuck-wielding man.
What Happened Next:
Apparently, Rogers didn't notice that his hand was missing, because his attention was focused on the still attacking cocaine samurai.
First dibs on "Cocaine Samurai" as a band name.
Struggling for control, Rogers punched Russell right in the face with his newly hewn stump, raising the bar for testicular fortitude to a level no ordinary man could ever hope to reach. The staff came to Rogers' aid soon after, and the severed hand was later reattached, possibly by Rogers himself with a blowtorch. So what had initiated the attack in the first place? Somebody told the samurai sword drug addict that Rogers had insulted Russell's mother.
Find out where these people learned to defend themselves, check out 5 Insane Fighting Manuals (You Probably Shouldn't Listen To). Or learn about more defense weapons you shouldn't own (but could), in The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy.
And stop by Linkstorm to see Brockway's defense when people try to pick him up.
Cracked.com is looking for a lead PHP engineer to join our team of award-winning badasses. For more info, go here!
Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Know way too much about a random topic? Create a topic page and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!