Since we can't have a website without readers, it's important to us that you not wind up dead or in jail. So when we continue to point out crazy shit that we can't believe is still legal, we're trusting you to not run out and buy these items and then use them to destroy your whole neighborhood.
Because you totally could.
#6. A Lightsaber and Blaster Rifle
If you had any sort of childhood, you spent a healthy portion of it wishing like hell you had either Luke Skywalker's lightsaber or Han Solo's blaster. Well, got your checkbook ready?
Here's a real motherfucking blaster rifle on sale for a measly two grand.
Storm Troopers: suckers for a deal.
Information Unlimited sells high-grade scientific lasers, but unfortunately they're only intended for laboratory use. Fortunately, however, you don't have to give a shit about "intent:" All you need is a credit card and a lust for the smell of burning human flesh.
So it begins.
Oh, and this isn't just some legitimate scientific tool we're making out to sound terrifying: The manufacturer advertises it as, a "prelude to a weapon of the future." This is an actual self-contained blaster rifle with a power cell good for between 120 and 150 shots on a full charge.
It can send out a 6000 watt pulse, which is enough to "blast small holes in the hardest of metals." There are videos on the site of other class IV lasers (the same grade as this one) cutting through blocks of wood like... well, like a hot laser through wood. Depending on the lens you're using, these lasers can cut through rocks and burn hot enough to make air explode at the focus point. That's right: They can kill the air itself.
You've had it too easy for too long, Air.
But perhaps you long for a more elegant weapon, from a more civilized age. Sadly, most of us gave up our hopes of owning a real lightsaber years ago, when we realized the technology was prohibitively expensive, if not physically impossible. Some dreams must always and forever remain dreams...
Well, unless you have $300 bucks and a credit card.
OK, so the S3 Spyder Arctic isn't exactly the movie lightsaber: That can never exist because you can't have a laser beam "about yea long." But it's the next best thing: While it can't cut through a Hutt's sail barge, it could light your hair on fire or blind a man at a fair distance.
It probably works up close, too.
It so resembles a lightsaber, in fact, that it provoked a cease-and-desist letter from no less an asshole than George Lucas himself.
You will never love a woman as much as this man hates his fans.
So why are either of these things legal? Well, aside from the fact that you can buy giant deadly regular rifles for less, laser weapons are still the future. We're willing to bet that, unless you're reading this in your casual cloak from the back of your robo-spider, you probably didn't know a weapon like this existed until now. It'll be at least another few days (orders are assembled within 24 hours) before the first major crime is committed with one of these babies. That's right, readers: With a little luck and good timing, you could be the first person in history to commit a violent crime with a laser weapon.
You could shoot first!
#5. Real Goddamn Tanks
That's a Chieftain Battle Tank, and for under a grand you--yes, you personally--can use it to crush a car. There's a place in Sherman, Texas that offers this and many more tank-related adventures for a nominal fee. That's right: The next time you're rejected by a pretty girl at a crowded bar, you can just scream, "I once crushed a car with a fucking tank!" and storm out.
That's an automatic win in any argument.
But while renting a tank is pretty badass, the high-rollers among us won't be satisfied with such a fleeting thrill. So for folks with the extra cash, there are a number of online tank depots for civilian collectors. Want a T-72, the main battle tank of the former Soviet Union? Less than $50,000 and this 45-ton monster can rest in your driveway.
Come on Homeowners' Association, say something.
If you want something a little more street-legal, this Fox Armored Car will set you back a paltry $17 grand. You can own an armored scout car and drive it on the highway for less than the cost of a new SUV. Your Escalade may look "gangster," but it takes an RPG round like a little bitch.
Plus the valets will never forget you.
Civilian-legal military hardware doesn't stop at tanks, either. If you're willing to spend the time getting your pilot's license, you can also buy a working fighter jet. Everything from a 1956 "Venom" to a 2005 Northrop F-5 is available for anyone willing to pay. Prices start at around $4,500 and go up to $2 million for the nicer ones.
Sure, all of their weaponry is deactivated, but they're sunuvabitching tanks and jets. Tanks don't actually need those cannons to affect havoc: Just drive them through a grocery store, snap a quick picture with your cell phone and send it to the League of Evil. They're sure to approve your application now. As for jets, well, just tape swords to the wings or something. Shit, do we have to think of everything for you?
#4. Deadly Exotic Animals
Living in a gated community is a great way to tell the world that you are terrified of it. But concrete walls and chain-link fences can be defeated by anyone with a ladder or a decent pair of bolt-cutters. Sure, you'll keep out the low-level riff raff, but no serious criminal will be in any way deterred. No, for truly effective home-defense, you'll want to invest in a moat filled with deadly, flesh-eating piranhas.
That'll keep the Mormons at bay.
Our regular readers may point out that wild piranhas aren't nearly as dangerous as rumors make them out to be. While it's true that in their natural habitat they aren't a threat to anything larger than a guppy, when starved they are fully capable of skeletonizing a cow in an extremely short period of time. Teddy "Motherfucking" Roosevelt himself was a witness.
Go on, argue with the man.
Hungry piranhas have been known to attack any person or animal, regardless of size, that stops long enough for them to get a bite in. And those aren't always little bites: "...most injuries resulting in bites to the heel, soles of the feet and toes. More serious deeper wounds were also inflicted to the legs, arms and body. Some bites were so severe that the fish completely removed the toes, including the phalange bone."
The most aggressive fish have been known to throw themselves at full-grown plumbers.
So yes, any mad scientist (or paranoid homeowner) worth his salt would have no trouble arranging the environment (keeping them hungry) for a school of murder-fish. And the best part? It won't cost anything more than walking-around money. You can buy 10 red-bellied piranha for a mere $80. Plus they're legal in 28 of 50 states, which means most of you have absolutely no excuse for not investing in a pond full of carnivorous water monsters right now. It's just good business.
Swarms of razor-sharp fish not enough for you? How about a goddamn bear? You can buy and legally own brown bears (as well as lions and tigers) in nine states. These (terrifying) people own two fully grown bears and have a whole website dedicated to helping you do the same.
Why trust in that rack of shotguns to scare off your daughter's potential suitors, when you could raise 1500 pounds of muscle and claws to do the talking FOR you?
(Disclaimer: Bears do not actually talk, although it would be pretty bitchin' if they did).