Why Eminem Needs to Find Something New to Rap About
I don't want to disrespect Eminem here, especially considering this site already has beef with several prominent rappers (which is probably at least partially my fault). And we never win rap rivalries because there are simply too many harsh things that rhyme with Cracked (hacked, jacked, sacked... has anybody used "frak" in a rap song yet?). But here's the thing:
Eminem appears to be displaying signs of what's known in the realms of psychology as "a pattern of behavior" and what's known in the realms of this website as "being utterly full of shit."
"Not Afraid"
Eminem made headlines recently because his new album is all about how he's cleaned up his act, and now wants to serve as a role model to you and me. Here's the video for "Not Afraid," which is full of inspirational lyrics like, "I'm not afraid to take a stand, everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm, just let you know that, you're not alone."
Again, it's not just that he's cleaned up ("So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage... I'm gonna face my demons... time to put my life back together right now"). He's so clean he's now a goddamned guru for the rest of us ("If you're trying to get out, just follow me, I'll get you there"). Check out this promo for MTV that portrays the man as a Christ-like leader of men.
He's the one in red.
Don't get me wrong. That video currently has over 90 million views. I'm pretty sure this makes it the "Charlie Bit My Finger" of rap videos. And that's great. If you're in a tough spot and listening to a fucking Eminem song gets you through it, well, you probably didn't have a problem to begin with. But still, good for you.
Hey, maybe you were also inspired by another Eminem track, "Cleaning Out My Closet."
Remember that song? It's the one where he declared that he had overcome his personal demons, and was going to be a good father, and that, quote, "I maybe made some mistakes, I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today." Hmm... a pretty similar song, actually. From "I'm man enough to face them today" in that one to "Starting today, I'm gonna face my demons" in "Not Afraid."
Wait a Second...
"Cleaning Out My Close" was made eight goddamned years ago. Yeah, 2002.
In fact that same year, on the same album that featured "Cleaning Out My Closet," he recorded a song called "Say Goodbye to Hollywood." Guess what that was about? Right, no more drama for Eminem. "Thank God, I got a little girl, and I'm a responsible father... 'cause all I wanted was to give Hailie the life I never had."
Two years later, in 2004, he would drive the point home again on his next album with "Like Toy Soldiers," a song all about how he was squashing all of the conflicts in his life by way of one of the fruitiest samples in rap music history.
No more insults or crazy rivalries with other crews for Eminem! Quote, "I ain't tryin' to have none of my people hurt and murdered, it ain't worth it I can't think of a perfecter way to word it, then to just say that I love ya'll too much to see the verdict, I'll walk away from it all before I let it go any further."
Call me crazy, but I believe a pattern is emerging here:
*Eminem has problems
*Eminem records inspirational song about said problems and declares them to be a thing of the past
*Eminem has the same problems
*Eminem records inspirational song about said problems and declares them to be a thing of the past
And so on, until after about a decade of this he declares himself to be the model of personal problem-solving and that you, too, can get your life together using the proven Eminem Technique, which apparently involves listening to his music, or "just follow(ing) him, (he'll) get you there."
Granted, overcoming the ravages of addiction is no laughing matter. As someone who washes three eggs and four slices of bacon down with six shots of Jager every morning, I can appreciate that. But if by some act of science I did come to terms with my pickled liver, you know what I wouldn't do? I wouldn't write a triumphant rap song about it and brag to the rest of the world like I deserve a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame because I managed to quit huffing paint.
There are two reasons for this: The first, to paraphrase a Chris Rock joke (that would probably get me jumped if I quoted it directly), is the fact that not being a junkie is what you're supposed to do. That I can go a day without blowing a trucker for meth money just puts me right in line with like 99.6 percent of the population. It doesn't deserve a whole video of me staring pensively at the horizon and looking wise.
The other problem is that if I make said video and then fall off the wagon later, it makes me look really stupid. Especially if, after getting clean again, I make another freaking song just like it, and pretend that first one never happened.
I'm not the only one to notice this, right? Did the other 90,000,000 people who watched that video not figure out that the "rehab via inspirational rap song" method has been failing Eminem for almost a decade? In fact, we can't find a single medical professional who would recommend it as a recovery strategy.
This Raises Several Questions
Who is Eminem hoping to reach with these "holy shit y'all, I didn't die of a prescription medication fueled heart attack and now I'm back to rock the mic!" type anthems? Drug addicts? Nobody is going to put down the pipe, get the kids back from pawn and rebuild themselves into some kind of success story because they overheard you say you're "not afraid to take a stand." Hell, it didn't have that profound of an effect on you 10 years ago, and you're the one who wrote it. Hearing it will just make them aware that they should probably boost whatever stereo system is playing the song and sell it for black tar heroin money.
Seriously, Eminem, do you even enjoy talking about that shit on every single album you put out, or do you just address it because you think you have to? We understand the pressures you're under these days. Back when, for instance, Al Green got hot grits tossed in his face by a jilted lover who eventually killed herself, the Internet wasn't around to make it the top story on Digg for three days.
Back then, by the time word of mouth about what happened sloooowly spread to the deep recesses of society where people take information like this and turn it into entertainment (like us!), Al Green was already a few years into exclusively singing about Jesus and didn't want to talk about anything but that. So if you wanted to interview him about the dead lady, you'd likely just be met with a scripture quote. Fucking brilliant, another example of how religion fixes everything.
We get it, it's not like that for you. If you get hot grits thrown on you, that shit would probably be on YouTube and remixed and autotuned 50 times before you even woke up the next day. So in light of this unprecedented level of fan access into the daily comings and goings of their favorite celebrities, a lot of famous people choose to spend their time not fucking up. Have you tried that? Of course you haven't, which brings us to the point we're really confused about ...
Is it All an Act?
Honestly, Em, are you really that much of a fuck up, or do you maybe just think it's the only way you'll sell records? Did you honestly get yourself straightened up while recording The Eminem Show years ago, only to realize that nobody wants to hear someone rap about how you've taken up mountain biking and that you've found just the best vegan cafe in your neighborhood? Is that what you were thinking when you grabbed a gun and started waving it around at that nightclub?
And if that is the case, don't you realize you can just make some shit up? If you wanted to write a song about pistol whipping the Insane Clown Posse roadie who was making out with your wife, just write that shit. You don't actually have to go out and beat up a clown to do it.
The same goes for any topic. Drug addiction? You don't have to inhale Vicodin. Just, fucking, read a book about drug addiction. It's called research. Wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't you rather just rap about pretend problems, nail groupies and drive nice cars when you aren't on stage or recording? You have to admit, that part about nailing groupies sounds pretty wonderful. If nothing else, it beats having to manufacture a heart-wrenching personal problem every few years just so you have something to rap about to suburban white kids.
Hell, it's probably all moot anyway. If that "Not Afraid" song is to be believed, all of that stuff is behind Eminem now. Sounds like he's really got things straightened out. I guess we'll see!
For more rap lyrics deconstruction, check out The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in Rap Music History and The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.
And stop by Linkstorm to see Adam spitting his mad rhymes, yo.
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I've always found it a little ironic when people say Eminem is better than that rappers because he raps about life... Seriously, how many of you have a life anything like what he sings about?
Replyhahaha this makes me laugh, the one who wrote this article is by far the most pathetic friendless bullshit writer ever, eminem can rap about anythin.. the only thing is, he is not going to rap about how many bitches he fucks, he's not gonna rap about the cars he is drivin, no he raps about what he is goin through, and all the people who can relate to it feel that s**t, for example my self .. eminem got me through depression and taught me more then any other person can do, the problem is you guys just dont understand it .. well some of you, thats just eminems thing man .. rappin about what he sees, what he feels, accept him for the way he is, if you rather hear rappers rappin about bitches and money 24/7 okay go ahead but dont hate eminem for bein different, and don't forget .. eminem changed hip-hop for ever :)
Replydude wtf he has plenty to rap about this article is bullshit
ReplyRap sucks, Chill out
I think the kids would say, uh...Oh snap!
ReplyRecovery has lyrics and beats that are so cheesy, it's hard to believe he ever took shots at pop musicians. I used to dislike Relapse, too, but that sht is actually listenable if you get over the horrendous "3 AM in the morning" tautology. Yeah, he overuses that stupid accent, but at least he's not Mr. Positive-Message-Duet-With-Pink-And-Britney and whoever.
ReplyHe's much better on features with other rappers, though. But the album is an embarrassment.
I would agree Recovery isn't Eminem's best, but it is not bad at all. The singles get old but there are some good songs on there. There are also some bad ones. I have no idea why he was rapping with Pink. That's just fucked. He does use some cheesy lines in songs but not too often. What I really wish is for his old voice back. However, he literally cannot rap the same as he could before his comeback.
"Why Comedy Writers at Cracked Need to Find Some Other Different Funny s**t to Say About Eminem That is Also True, But Maybe Hasn't Been Said Yet"
ReplyHe said in reply to a two year old article
Everyone I have ever known who actively listened to Eminem needed anger management,except for the one guy who was in anger management.
Replyf**k YOU LEEVALEY I LOVE EMINEM AND I DON'T NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT SO YOU CAN DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT WAIT IN LINE BUY A TICKET GET ON A PLANE SIT IN A PLANE GET OFF A PLANE CATCH A CAB COME TO MY HOUSE OPEN MY DOOR WALK INTO MY ROOM AND SUCK MY 13 INCH PENIS
WHY IS EVERYONE MAD THOUGH?
Replywell, this is true. i was an eminem fan when he released "the eminem show" album mostly because he raps about real life, etc. but quite disappointed after his comeback to hear the same thing over again. geez!
ReplyI love Eminem but this article made me laugh this dude that wrote it has a great sense of humor. It's true Eminem says the same thing over and over he REALLY needs to talk about something else. There's a million things in this world and he ends up talking about the same things his addiction or Kim and Haillie. I love it when a new album comes out of his but seriously Eminem can do better than what he's doing. Just saying. He should bring back Slim Shady or something maybe he'll get those creative juices flowing finally.
ReplyTo all the people defending Eminem: SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
ReplySeriously, SHUT THE MOTHER-FUCK UP. The writer obviously did their f*****g research and yet you sit there and type out "explanations" for whatever Eminem did. Seriously, Eminem is just repeating himself. He hasn't had to work a singe f*****g job in over 10 years. No worrying about phone bills, or diapers, or paying the water bill. He's a b***h who's gonna b***h about *anything* to get airplay.
And you would too you moron. You would bitc about anything if it kept your bills paid for. You're jealous that your peon ass has to work normal jobs.
Ummmmm, take a tip from an older Eminem song and "Take a breather and sigh", then re-read the title of this article. Key word: Rap. You see, before Kim, the crappy mom, boy bands and white rapper material Eminem used, rap has *always* been known for original source material, right? I vaguely remember one rapper or two alluding to bitches and hoes, smokin' blunts and rollin' in their Caddy with their 9. Lucky for you that trend stopped at one or two rappers, otherwise your article would be complete, redundant garbage that was written with a chip on their shoulder the size of your comical jealousy.
ReplyThe exact lyrics of interest, which make a good 3/4 of this article seem really picking at straws:
ReplyEven if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try
To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake
I maybe made some mistakes
I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb
But the smartest s**t I did was take the bullets outta that gun
Cause I'da killed him; s**t I woulda shot Kim and them both
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"
2. Prior to Recovery, I can't recall a single instance where Em has said that he's clean, or that he's "past that now", or that he's no longer going to do bad-bad-things. Maybe the no-more-beefs song, Toy Soldiers, but that's it. This is relevant, because the whole crux of this article is not that Eminem rehashes the same topics (which I think I could definitely agree with at least as far as a humor article is concerned), but that Eminem rehashes the same topic (note the lack of plural).
Reply3. Eminem is not a celeb-drama guy. He's not one of those washed-up entertainers on Celebrity Rehab who seem to be seeking sobriety for attention and sympathy more than anything else. Nor did he acquire his addiction from rockstar-style hard-partying. He's always been a sober, serious guy at heart, and now he's literally sober. He's also so secure about his sobriety that he continues to joke about popping pills in his raps. The guy's one of the most honest music artists in the industry. If he says he's clean, he's clean.
4. "Eminem made headlines recently because his new album is all about how he's cleaned up his act, and now wants to serve as a role model to you and me."
The media made it out to be that way, not Em. The album's lyrical content is largely battle-rap style metaphors (some witty, some groan-worthy). There are only three "I'm clean now" songs. And Eminem hasn't cleaned his act much either, unless you count an greatly increased amount of radio-pop choruses and pop-rap choruses to be somehow cleaner than the more core hip-hop sound of old. Lyrically though, he's nastier than he was on Encore and Eminem Show, two albums where the Slim Shady persona was largely absent.
I would've found this article funnier if I knew less about Em, and if I hadn't listened to any of the songs referenced. I realize this article is over a year old, but why not? It's knowledge dropping time.
Reply1. "I maybe made some mistakes, I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today."
This must be about his drug addiction! Oh, wait, it's not. He wasn't even an addict in 2002, though the roots were sown that year due to a combination of insomnia and the workload of simultaneously filming 8 Mile and writing/recording Eminem Show. In context, the "mistakes" were a reference to either specifically the gun-slinging incident which you make sound like happened AFTER the song's release, or just a reference to his anger-management problems in general.
Btw, he mentions the gunslinging incident as being a dumb thing he did, a.k.a a mistake, RIGHT AFTER the line you quoted. But hey, he must've been talking about mistakes with drugs!
to be continued...
i can't stand eminem's music and i think this article his the nail on the head. he has literally been rapping about f*****g up his mom and ex-wife for half of my life (and the entirety of his career). it's OLD. he's a talented guy, at some point you'd think he could figure out something else to write about than his mama / babymamadrama issues. so played out.
ReplyThis must be the stupidest article out there, All the other rappers out there now just rap about drugs, guns, and hoes. Eminem is the deepest rapper out there. Oh and f**k you for calling him a fuck-up, I'm an addict too so you can go to hell. I hope that your children/future children OD on heroin, maybe that will stip you from being such a doushebag
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesHope you OD for being a dick, whys this guys kids and grandkids have to suffer for his opinions
I know this is pretty late, but I had to say this. A: the writer of this article has a valid point, respect it. I like Eminem and think hes a deep rapper like you say but I also admit to his faults. and B: If you're an addict right now, you're f*****g up. Get your life together bro
Look at you, your wishing death upon a mans family because he insulted your favorite rapper. booo f****n hoooo. And you're an addict. And you can't spell douchebag. You are straight up scum.
You have addiction problems? Exactly why you're not sober enough to get valid points, and instead condone s****y lyrics which feed the negative masses their dose of crap: homophobia, misogyny, mama-blaming (Freudian?) etc.
Also, if "mama's" have so much power to destroy someone's life... (and the lives of others) maybe that's LESS reason to publicly slander them. Especially when you're also talking about your beloved children's MAMA.)
Whooops... The boomerang looks like it's coming back! And it's coming back HARD!!!!!
(I take it Em is only trying to get his act together because he's getting old. According to his one lyrics against Moby... 36 is OLD. Whoops, looks like he's passed that! And now he's scared his biggest fan is going to have the honor of dating his daughter and doing the things that his biggest fan was taught to do to blonde girlfriends who might have a different opinion than you.) Bwahahahah
I'm an Eminem fan... and that's probably why I take sadistic pleasure off of his own Creations eating him alive. Thanks for teaching me apathy and sardonic reflections, Em. I love ya the same way ya "love" women! MUAH! xD
*Last sentence referenced from his last line in the song "Kill YOU."
You think eminem is deep? You have a lead a sheltered, sheltered life. If you ever listen to good hip hop your brain might overheat
Man, you make addicts look bad. At least state why he shouldn't talk. Maybe "as an addict I know X and it's hard." Man, I'm a recovering addict (just passed 10 months clean) and I know that I'll NEVER be a 'former' addict. It will always be there with me. So the second I start shouting about how I'm all better and what not, it's over. You can't celebrate getting over it, you can only be happy you're not wasting away anymore
now looky here...im a big eminem fan and this article is a load of shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...whoever wrote this needs to stick a finger in itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...
ReplyThis article is full of shit. I don't even like eminem that much, but whoever wrote this clearly has no knowledge on music. period. Bottom line - look how long eminem has maintained his popularity, that means whatever he is doing, hes doing it right.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMaybe I could have taken the article less seriously if there was even one speck of comedy in it. There was not. Thank god we don't see many articles from this guy... and its hardly surprising.
Lady Gaga sucks, but her records still sell...
yeh, while i cant say i agree with the article, maintaining popularity means mothing apart from the fact that most people will just give money to the same artists (with huge amounts of advertisement backing them, from MTV to hit radio) because they have bad taste in music or dont know any better (its both in most cases) and then u just get a lot of shallow superficial people who like looks, which is exactly why anyone at all would be foolish enough to think lady gaga is talented.
If this article didn't make you laugh, how did you know to compare it to comedy? Hmm.....
lol @ people taking Eminem seriously.
Reply"But he SPEAKS to me, mannnnnnnnn"
Lol! He spoke to me when I was 9 "and angwy @ mai mama 4 neglecting me cuz she had her own problems... " (wait, scratch that last part.. all that matter is ME and mai perspective. xD)