CRACKED ROUND-UP: Budget Shortage Edition

Well folks, Cracked's annual budget has come up short. In order to shore up additional funds, we've decided to start selling autographed photos of our columnists. We'd like to make it perfectly clear that these pictures absolutely are not heroin.

One kg of "photos" will cost just $1500, with a $250 price break at four kg. Again, we feel that we must point out that we are not selling heroin here. Make all checks payable to cracked@notheroin.com.

Our week's comedic genesis started with Soren dissecting baffling search engine entries. Next, Cody put up some SyFy original movie pitches for any budding screen-writers in the audience to take a shot at. Bucholz gave anyone fed up with their shitty job ideas for how to quit. Seanbaby created the world's first honest tobacco ads while Robert Brockway hawked a loogie on the sanctity of marriage. Gladstone gave us Cracked's official stance on the Ground Zero Mosque debate. SPOILER: It is retarded.

ANCIENT TECH

6 Amazingly High-Tech Ancient Weapons Much has changed across the march of years, but mankind has always been really damn good at murder.

Notable Comment:

"I want to see what the Chinese and the Greeks could invent if they teamed up with each other."

For one thing, orera, whole new ways to sodomize young boys.

OH GOD WHY

The 7 Most Horrifying Museums on Earth Half of our Photo Research department committed suicide while working on this one. Sometimes you have to sacrifice interns for art.

Notable Comment: Honestly folks, we apologize for this one. Please stop vomiting and move on to one of our less terrifying articles.

MORE ZOMBIES

7 Scientific Reasons A Zombie Outbreak Would Fail Quickly In twenty years, we're all going to look back on this national zombie obsession and laugh. Or moan and lurch forward in search of brains. Whatever's clever.

Notable Comment:"Killjoy. "

You are a sick, terrifying person peterc17.

UNENDING SUCK

5 Reasons Immortality Would Be Worse Than Death See, this is why any self-respecting immortal would keep a secret stash of heroin on Mars. Unending obsolescence would suck. A near eternal opium trip though...

Notable Comment:

"This might sound weird, but I am completely alright with numbers one and two. In fact, the mix of time acceleration and floating through space seems to be a pretty decent form for space travel. Anyone else agree?"

Operator42, we're as big astronomy nerds as anyone else here, but we think you're forgetting the fact that most of space is fucking empty.

UP YOURS BROTHER

5 Bizarre Ways Your Siblings Made You Who You Are Sorry, younger siblings of the world.

Notable Comment:

"My older brother is *not* going to outlive me."

Doppelheathen, any self-respecting brother would take this as a queue hire the best assassins $4 and a half-bottle of vodka can buy.

FATAWESOME

Buried Alive: Why You're Going To Want Your Cellphone A Cautionary Tale.

YOU YOU YOU!

What 23 Famous Characters Looked Like As Kids We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Famous Images Ruined By Photobombers

8.19.10:

Transfather - Coming this fall to ABC, the story of a lifelong bachelor Autobot who adopts two inner city children.
by RodneyHardman

Editor's pick:

We never saw the bullies again after that day.
by Julius_Goat

8.18.10:

"So then I told the emperor, 'It's a pretty good wall, but I wouldn't call it GREAT.' Next thing I know, BAM."
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Popped collars, circa 1880
by bcanders

8.17.10:

No, I said meet me in the park to BUY CRACK.
by Versus

Editor's pick:

If that's what the birds over here shit, I'm wearing armor.
by Exiasprip

8.16.10:

Prophecies rarely mention the 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse: Disappointment.
by Bator

Editor's pick:

If you can see my spine the bitch fell off.
by Mr.Excalibur

8.15.10:

He blew the house down...
by tlrasmus

Editor's pick:

Somewhere else, there's a tuba player licking his balls.
by Exiasprip

8.14.10:

"I can't drive stick."
by Exiasprip

Editor's pick:

I don't advise using the cigarette lighter.
by yungblud21

8.13.10:

This is Onstar, you seem to be fucked. Have a nice day
by yungblud21

Editor's pick:

I think we can all agree the wall was clearly in the wrong here
by bcanders